Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Drug Prices Jumped in '04, then they fell and broke their hip

According to the American Association of Retired Persons (or as I affectionately refer to them, the Old Fogie Lobby) "drug makers raised prescription prices by nearly triple the rate of inflation in the first three months of this year — just before Medicare began its pharmacy discount card program — negating much of the savings the government promised to seniors." (AP story)

This just reinforces my cynicism toward giant corporations and government plans that "promise" to help people.

I think I saw a little abandoned hermit shack for sale in the woods. Hmmm... I wonder how my old Underwood typewriter would look in there? (Note to self: grow beard extra long and "wild" then start writing manifesto.)

Custody Schmustody

Iraq's interim government said it will take legal, but not physical, custody of Saddam Hussein and 11 of his top associates on today. Yeah, that sounds like a real hand-over of power to me.

I've decided that my own imaginary puppet government (henceforth named The Imperial Republic of Peepdonqui) shall take legal (but not physical) custody of the following items:

* P-Diddy's Bentley and assortment of related bling

* The bones of the Elephant Man

* Charles Nelson Riley

* Delaware

* John McCain's popularity

* Thom Phelps' gin-soaked liver


* Busey v. Nolte

* Cubism, with the exception of Picasso's blue period

* John Kerry's fabulous hair

Flags Still at Half-Mast

I don't know if this is the case in the real world, but in right-wing Colorado Springs flags are still flying at half-mast. I sure hope this isn't still for Reagan -- seeing as he likely committed treason and all. I prefer to think that the flags are half-mast for other reasons:

* The color guard forgot to take his Viagra
* Republican bankers are too dim-witted to remember if the flag goes up or down during the day, so they've compromised
* Just like public education, tax breaks for the wealthiest Americans mean we can only afford to go halfway
* Flags are flying half-mast in loving memory of our manufacturing jobs

I don't think Reagozombie deserves it any longer, especially when you consider that if they're flew half-mast one day for every death attributable to the unnecessary Iraq war, they'd be there for almost 20 years. That's not so funny, is it?

George W. Bush's Ten Commandments Score

While right-wing wackos continue to attack the Constitution by insisting on placing the Ten Commandments in public places, you have to wonder if George W. has even read Exodus 20. Here's how he scores on the Ten Commandments:

1. "You shall have no other gods before Me." Like, uh, greed. Goose egg, Shrub. (0\1)

2. "You shall not make to yourselves any graven image..." Like, say, demanding public plaques of the Ten Commandments, insistence on prayer in front of an American flag or putting Reagan on a coin. Zero. (0\2)

3. "You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain." As in, "God has a plan for my presidency." Love-40. And it’s creepy. (0\3)

4. "Six days you shall labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the LORD your God." Has W even worked six days in his entire life? Nada. (0\4)

5. "Honor your father and your mother." It's interesting that when asked by Bob Woodward if he consulted his daddy George Sr. in any matters, W said no, he consulted a "higher father." And when asked who his presidential role model was, he dissed his papa by choosing Reagan, who is not only dead, he really was totally mediocre as well. Still a big bagel. (0\5)

6. "You shall not kill." Do I even need to explain this one? Will it be a shut out?(0\6)

7. "You shall not commit adultery." Score one for the other side because breaking this commandment would require mature and functioning genitalia. One point. (1/7)

8. "You shall not steal." As in, "You shall not steal the Presidency from the American people who didn't actually vote for you." Jack squat. (1/8)

9. "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor." Show me the WMDs and an Iraq-Quaida connection and I'll add a point -- until then, zilcho. (1\9)

10. "You shall not covet your neighbor's house... neighbor's wife... his ox, nor his ass, nor his oil fields..." Zippo. (1\10)

Monday, June 28, 2004

Apple: "This Time It Works"

Apple Computers previewed "Tiger," the newest version of their OS X operating system. It's their 5th try. Steve Jobs vows, "This time it works. So will someone please write software for our computers?"
(AP blatant advertisement for Apple disguised as a news article)

And what's the story with computer guys code-naming their operating systems after animals? Apple: cheetah, tiger, puma, ocelot. Microsoft: longhorn, yak, wildebeast, ocelot. Come on, Bill and Steve, let's have some imagination here. You're going to confuse the masses of ear-to-the-ground EverQuest-playing lifetime-tech-convention-membership ubergeeks when you get to ocelot. They won't know which system they're working with. Oh yeah, they'll be working with the Microsoft version. The Apple users can't afford to go to tech conventions since they've spent all their money on Macs and Photoshop upgrades.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Are You a True American, or Some Sort of Pinko Commie Liberal?

Not sure if you’re a true American or not? Take our quiz:

T or F: Supporting our military means putting our young sons and daughters in harm’s way, cutting veterans’ benefits, avoiding the draft by joining the National Guard and hanging up yellow ribbons. If you answered “True,” you’re a good American. If you answered “False,” you’re an unpatriotic liberal.

T or F: Loving another human being so much that you commit your life to them is your definition of moral corruption if that other person happens to be of the same sex. If you answered “True,” you’re a God-fearing patriot. If you answered “False,” you’re a pinko commie liberal who hates America.

T or F: Addiction to chemical substances is a crime greater than any other, unless you’re Rush Limbaugh and then it’s understandable because you are under constant attack from liberal wackos and just need to release some steam every once in a while with a little hillbilly heroin. If you answered “True,” you know what’s best for the country, and are thus, a good Republican. If you answered “False,” you’re probably an evil homosexual terrorist seeking to conduct germ warfare.

T or F: The Bill of Rights is a radical left-wing conspiracy, with the exception of the second amendment, because everyone knows that my little handgun is all that’s saving our democracy from totalitarianism. If you answered “True,” you are a concerned sportsman and you also fancy yourself a bit of an intellectual. If you answered “False,” you’re a wimpy vegetarian scoundrel trying to bring about the Apocalypse.

Follow up question. T or F: Since the ACLU’s sole purpose is to defend the Bill of Rights, they must be a dangerous organization. If you answered “True,” you should be a Supreme Court Justice, or at least a federal circuit judge. If you answered “False,” you’re a pinko communist liberal wacko feminist homosexual terrorist atheist destroyer of all that is pure and good. And you probably listen to Wilco or the Beastie Boys, you freakin’ weirdo.

T or F: Big government is depraved if it supports unemployed mothers and their children, but necessary if it lines the pockets of energy companies like Haliburton. If you answered “True,” congratulations on the recent sale of your stock options. If you answered “False,” get a job, you lazy bloodsucker.

T or F: The central message of Jesus Christ was to enforce the power of the majority against the minority. If you answered “True,” you know you’re Bible inside out, and God will reward you with eternal happiness. If you answered “False,” you must be some sort of leftie Satanist dressed in a pink vinyl jumpsuit looking for babies to eat.

T or F: Teenagers never have sex until they learn what a condom is. If you answered “True,” you support traditional family values and have a deep understanding of human biology. If you answered “False,” you’ve confused family values with wanting to keep your children in school without having to support unwanted children. And people have found you sexually attractive at some point in your life, so the entire Republican party is insanely jealous of you and your loose morals.

T or F: Lying about weapons of mass destruction is perfectly acceptable; lying about oral sex is impeachable. If you answered “True,” you have America’s best interest at heart, screw the rest of the planet. If you answered “False,” you must be some sort of crack-smoking hedonist.

T or F: Women can’t really be trusted, especially with choices that regard their own bodies. In fact, it would be better if they weren’t allowed to vote. If you answered “True,” you understand the true intentions of our founding fathers. If you answered “False,” you’re either some sort of rabid feminist lesbian, or you’ve had your testicles amputated, you pinko commie terrorist.

T or F: The Bible doesn’t mention global warming, therefore, it is a big fat lie promoted by liberal scientists. If you answered “True,” you can’t be fooled by leftie conspiracy theories. If you answered “False,” you’re a loud-mouthed boor, who has no manners because you won’t shut up about how “irresponsible,” we’re being with our “children’s future,” And you’re an unpatriotic Godless wimp. And you probably own a poodle, or a cat, or some other sissy pet.

T or F: If you really love America and Americans, you will support sending all of our tech jobs overseas. If you answered “True,” you have a deep, intellectual understanding of the economy. If you answered “False,” you think that there are more important issues than economic efficiency (like a high standard of living or maintaining human dignity for your fellow Americans) and thus you are an ignorant socialist who should be used for research into new torture interrogation techniques.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Michael Moore Makes Rumsfeld's Nipple List

The wild opening weekend box office success of Michael Moore's documentary, "Farenheit 9/11" has garnered the writer-director the highest spot on Donald Rumsfeld's list of "Nipples for to Meet My White Hot Pliers." As the auteur who lately delivers the most pain in Rummy's ass, Moore has edged out Babbs Streisand ("Yentl"), Trey Parker ("Southpark"), and Mel Stuart ("Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory") for the top spot in that category.

Other list makers:

By the way, I saw the film opening night. If half of the allegations in it are true, the scaffolds might have to be constructed in DC for some war profiteering hangings (an observation by my friend, Jeff). -- Thom

Friday, June 25, 2004

America Finally Gets It Right

A majority of Americans finally say the illegal invasion and imperial occupation of Iraq by U.S.-led forces was an idiotic move by an inarticulate monkey, according to a USA Today/CNN/Gallup Poll released on yesterday.

54 percent said it was a mistake to send U.S. troops into Iraq.

55 percent said the war has increased U.S. security risks, making the world less safe from terrorism.

100 percent of current U.S. Presidents surveyed could not spell "U.S." or "Iraq."

John Kerry's fabulous hair was not available for comment.

Riddick and White Chicks Head-to-Head in Oscar Race

The Chronicles of Riddick and White Chicks are duking it out for last place in this year's Oscar race.

Both movies feature protagonists covered in puffy Latex meant to resemble human flesh. Wait, nevermind, that's apparently Vin Diesel's actual skin.

Both are a non-stop laugh riots, intentional or otherwise.

Both are an inspiration to thousands of illiterate high-school drop-outs nationwide who now believe they can be big-time Hollywood screenwriters.

And the winner is ...


The 24-Hour Super Lewinsky Buffet

Surprisingly, Monica Lewinsky (or as a Polish lady in Italy once corrected me, Levinska) is not too happy with Bill Clinton's memoir. True to form, when describing her feelings she spoke in food analogies:

"... I did, though, at least expect him to correct the false statements he made when he was trying to protect the presidency."

"Instead, he talked about it as though I had laid it all out there for the taking. I was the buffet and he just couldn't resist the dessert," she was quoted as saying.

Poor Monica. Never understood. No one will ever know the love you and Bill shared.

A New Name for an Old God

Our resident liberal Democrat-basher right-wing gun enthusiast, the lovable The God of History has a new name, courtesy of Jackie O.

Jackie O said...
hahaha god of thunder wins today's milk through the nose funny comment.

My question: Since she's in California and he's in Texas, how does she know he has a problem with flatulence? He must be the God of Thunder.

Phew! The God of Thunder is soon to be named the God of Skidmarks.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Torture Judge Plays Kazoo

Judge Jay S. Bybee, the Bushies' torture apologist, has an even more sinister secret method of torture not covered in his infamous memo:

"He has a kazoo collection," said N. Gregory Smith, a former colleague on the law faculty at Louisiana State. "He'd get a little ensemble of kazoo enthusiasts together and play. They would occasionally perform the `1812' Overture."

Can you kazoo?

Finally a True Small-Government Republican

Now that the Bushies have increased the size and scope of the government beyond FDR era proportions, Arnold Schwarzenegger has come up with a truly half-assed idea for slashing government spending:

… since Mr. Schwarzenegger took office on Nov. 17, the toilet paper in the Capitol has been switched from two-ply to one-ply, a saving of thousands of dollars over the years. "It's not anymore the two-ply," he said. "Because you know what? We're trimming. We're living within our means."

Brings a whole new meaning to squeezing the Charmin. I love Arnold, by the way. There are two Republicans in the world I respect: my dad and the Governator. But, come on, one-ply?

A Moment of Clinton Nostalgia #2

Remember when we had an elected president? Yeah, that was cool.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

The World's Greatest Site

I've found it. The world's greatest website. It's about Peter Pan. Yippee! Click here to experience the pixie dust unless you're smoking something better.

An Open Letter to Scott Baio

RE: Priorities

Dear Scott:

Do you ever have one of those days where everyone is a gloomy gus and the sun just doesn’t seem to shine?

I was having a day like that yesterday, and boy was I depressed. Then I looked up at a poster I have of you on my wall (from Happy Days) and I said to myself, “what would Chachi do if he was down in the dumps and feeling all blue?” In the poster you look really serious, leaning on a wall, your arms crossed on your chest. The poster seems to say, “it’s Chachi against the world!” So I tried it, but it didn’t cheer me up much. After a couple of hours, I even got a little sore leaning on a wall and not using my arms.

Then I thought, hey, this is the image that Chachi wants other people to see, not the real Chachi. The real Chachi is just a young troubled kid like me, and he would probably go into his room, shut the door, and dance. And you know what, when I did that I felt like a million bucks. Thank you, Scott Baio!

I know you’re older now, but if you haven’t tried it in a while, you should.

I was wondering if you could give me a new photo to replace my old Happy Days poster. If you can send one, would you please sign it, “Chachi says ‘remember to dance,’ your pal, Scott Baio.”

Respectfully yours,


Monday, June 21, 2004

Proof #6 that George W. Bush is a Monkey

From Bill Feldspar:

I'm not a member of any political party, and I have nothing in particular against the man. I just think he kind of looks like a chimpanzee.

Click here to visit his eye-opening, thought-provoking, monkey-proving site.

A Moment of Clinton Nostalgia #1

Hey, remember when we all had jobs that paid more the $6.90 an hour? That was cool.

The Best Way to Spread Democracy: Kick it in the Balls

Iraq's new government may impose a state of emergency, including curfews, a ban on public demonstrations and no Krispy Kremes on Fridays. From the New York Times (free registration required:

Among the emergency rule provisions being considered are a curfew, a ban on public demonstrations, checkpoints to control public movement and changes to search and seizure laws, two cabinet members said in separate interviews on Sunday evening.

It remains unclear whether such measures would bring significant changes in the lives of ordinary Iraqis. Under the United States-led occupation, occupation and Iraqi soldiers and security forces have been allowed to conduct raids without warrants, make arrests without charges, and hold suspects in detention indefinitely.

What's next, letting five judges appoint an inarticulate monkey as President? Oh, wait, that was us.

Clinton Auto-bio

The new Clinton book is all conservative commentators have to talk about these days. This is fitting since we’re all nauseated by the ridiculously naïve Reagan-porn pouring out over the last two weeks. I find it funny that after three years the only thing conservatives can do is attack the Clintons instead of promoting their own ideas.

When asked what he thought about the book, Bush said, "It have no pictures and me no read it." When asked what he thought about a President having sex in the Oval Office, he said, "Me no remember which way Oval Office is. Me think it’s a left and a quick right after me eat COOKIES.” (I think it’s just adorable when the president talks like the Cookie Monster.)

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Chronic Wasting Disease Makes CDC's June List

Chronic Wasting Disease, the "Mad Cow" of the deer and elk kingdom, which has been slowly spreading through the tri-corner states (Colorado, Wyoming, and Nevada) has made the CDC's June list of Emerging Infectious Diseases.

Friday, June 18, 2004

Factor Flash Translation

Translations from the latest (June 17, 2004) Factor Flash email newsletter from Bill “talented people suck” O’Reilly

Factor Flash Dribble: Some of the press used the (9/11) Commission's report to suggest Bush mislead the public about Saddam and Al Qaeda. I do not believe that is true.
Translation: I have totally lost my grip on reality.

Factor Flash Dribble: The Factor is especially outraged by the New York Times' distortion of the honest work of the 9/11 Commission, and using it to bludgeon President Bush.
Translation: I am above logic and reason. I hate it when my doctor distorts my 250 cholesterol reading to imply my diet is dangerous, or when utilities company distorts my late payments and threatens to shut off my water, and especially when television viewers distort my performance to imply I am a no talent hack.

Factor Flash Dribble: The Factor is outraged at the chaos that apparently reigns within America's intelligence agencies, the very agencies charged with protecting the lives of all Americans. James Bamford, author of "A Pretext For War," said the concern is warranted, because al Qaeda is growing, while the CIA is shrinking. The Factor finds it ridiculous that politicians like Senators Biden and Kennedy are talking about "coercive interrogation," when in fact our security forces need to be relentless, now more than ever.
Translation: The Bush Administration is a miserable failure of leadership. The war in Iraq has only caused Al Queda to grow stronger, creating newer and newer threats to national security each day. We’ve broken international law using un-American techniques of torture and humiliation while hiding prisoners from the Red Cross. The situation has become so pathetic, I am forced to blame it on the two most infamous and uncharacteristic liberals I can think of.

Factor Flash Dribble: Bill Clinton is promoting his upcoming book, in which he supposedly bares all regarding Monica Lewinski. The former President admitted to "60 Minutes" that his dalliance with the intern was "morally indefensible." Fox News political analyst, and former Democratic consultant, Mary Anne Marsh told The Factor that Clinton is displaying honesty and genuine contrition. The Factor countered that, considering how frequently Clinton displayed similar behavior in the past, this "apology" rings hollow.
Translation: I’ve never had sex, but I think it must be much worse than cheating your way into the Oval Office, lying to get us into an unnecessary war and flinging poo.

Andy "Cybill" Dick pleads not guilty - Blames Alter Ego

Comic actor Andy Dick pleaded not guilty to a misdemeanor marijuana possession charge by reason of insanity. He blames his actions on one of his many "troubled teenage girl" split personalities.

"It was Hooka," Dick explained to the judge, "she's always trying to get high when I'm at a concert."

Through regression therapy hypnosis by a reputable Beverly Hills psychiatrist, it appears that Dick has four distinct alter egos:
Hooka - 16-year old runaway girl who "likes the ganja."

Myanmar - 14-year old Asian prostitute who specializes in picking up travelling salesmen in bars and rolling them (beating them up and stealing their money) in back alleys. Dick described Myanmar as "liking it between dumpsters."

Sophia - An upperclass prep school girl who is bored with her high society parents and likes to slip away on weekends to seedy bars.

Mabel - An eighty-four year old Jewish Floridian with Alzheimers, who thinks she is a seventeen-year-old African American girl from the streets of New Orleans, named Shaniqua.

Elephant Anthrax in Bangladesh Spurs FBI into Action

Deadly anthrax has killed one elephant and might have infected more in southeastern Bangladesh, veterinarians said Friday. (Story)

In typical unrelated response to any news involving anthrax, the US FBI has rounded up ex-military researcher, Dr. Steven Hatfill, to be certain there is no connection.

Attorney General John Ashcroft didn't go so far as to call Hatfill a suspect, or even a "person of interest," but instead described Hatfill as, "a pain in my political butt who's suing me and so he gets to be high on my list of people to interrogate." FBI investigators dispute claims that they are planning to question Hatfill at an undisclosed location near Baghdad, Iraq.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Kelly Ripa signs 5 yr deal, network executive IQs drop 10 points

Kelly Ripa will be a "Live" star for five more years, according to the syndicated TV entertainment show "Extra." AND MAKE $8 MILLION PER YEAR!

    In similar stories:
  • Cucumber on vine paid $30,000 to ripen between now and July 4th.

  • My cat signs on for six more years of getting hair in my coffee. Collects a cool $100K.

  • Hemorrhoids continue making Regis Philbin uncomfortable on "Live with Kelly Ripa" and will be paid $10,000 per episode for the outstanding job.

  • Dick Cheney keeps VP job for the remainder of 2004. Halliburton execs receive billions more in government contracts.

Proof #5 That George W. Bush is a Monkey

Thanks to Jackie O for this one.

I'm Your Superman

Dear Neal Moritz and Gilbert Adler:

It has come to my attention that you are planning to revive the Superman legend on the "big screen," and are seeking someone to play the title role. I understand that Josh Hartnett and Jude Law have turned you down, but whatever their reasons are (and I'm just guessing here) I want you to understand that I have no problems with producers who lack good grooming, hygiene and ettiquette. Besides, that Jude Law guy has an English accent and would make a much better Green Arrow. I also know many ways to prepare meats that don't involve boiling, which is another reason that you should go with a real American (pick me!) and not a Brit.

It's true I am relatively unknown, and frankly inexperienced in your Hollywood ways (although I do frequent Alec Baldwin's web site from time to time). I have in fact acted in a few films, most recently in the role of "The Devil," in Jimmy Hits the Big Time. While my screen time only amounted to about five seconds, many people who watched it immediately said, "hey, look, that guy is supposed to be the devil," and I think I can bring that sort of "star power" to your movie as Superman.

Here are some reasons I should be your Superman:

* When I get the paper in the morning, and I'm wearing my Superman Underoos, the neighbor kids often stop, honk their horns and yell, "It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a total jackass, it's Superman."

* I'm up on my Nietzche.

* I was probed by Republican Space Aliens, so prancing around in tights and a cape is no big deal.

* My hair is blue.

* I'm from the planet Krypton (no, really, I swear, I'll show you a funny birthmark that will prove it).

* I love soup.

Questions remain:

1) How much will I be paid? I think $35 million per movie is what someone of my obvious talents should command, but I'm open to higher amounts as well.

2) Is Superman the title role? I was once approached to play the role of "Guy in Line #3," and the producers failed to explain it wasn't the title role and I was very embarrassed when I invited my entire family to the premiere and you couldn't even see my face in the one shot I was in. I think if I'm going to the trouble of putting on red and blue tights and generally making an ass of myself, the movie should be about me and not about a gang of bikini-clad bank robbers, just FYI.

3) This Superman thing doesn't involve an appearance at a supermarket parking lot or a pizza joint, does it? I got beat up by a bunch of teenagers last year when I dressed up as Spiderman for the grand opening of a local bookstore. The owners had to call an ambulance. I'm fine (except I inexplicably smell onions every so often), but imagine how all those little kids at the bookstore felt when they saw me, their hero, Spiderman, get kicked repeatedly in the testicles until he was carted off on a stretcher.



PS: I can't wait to help out with the casting of Lois Lane, unless Bea Arthur is one of the candidates (problems with my restraining order).

I've Been Probed!

The God of History has a scoop for you: I've been probed! No, not by the Senate Appropriations committee or Matt Drudge or Bill "the Glitterati make me green with envy" O'Reilly, but by Republian Space Aliens. They beamed me to Bob Jones U and made me their be-yotch.

Here's a quote from his exlusive report:

I think Matt Turner is a Great Guy. He has a wonderful (if dry) sense of humor.

Unfortunately he was captured by Republican Space Aliens and taken to their ship where he underwent the usual battery of tests.

They checked his brain capacity. Monkeys who fling "poo" have a larger cranial capacity.

They measured his compassion. Hanoi Jane had more compassion for our POWs when she met them in Hanoi.

They found his common sense quotient to be lacking, then proceeded to probe him with the famous Silver Stallion.

Thats right folks, he was "PROBED." The Republican Space Aliens then returned him to his place of origin.

But they forgot to erase his memory!

Kind of explains his extremist anti-conservative, anti-republican, perspective on things.

Or don't you think so?

An amazingly accurate portrayal, it immediately threw me into the fetal position under my desk as I reeled from having to relive the experience. It's true, I was abducted and violated -- as was every American citizen-- by Republican Space Aliens, otherwise known as the Supreme Court, when they crowned George W. Bush. I couldn't sit down for a week and I still walk like John Wayne.

I can't complain -- if you think being probed was bad, you should see what they've done to the Constitution.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

That's DOCTOR Tambourine Man, man.

Scotland's oldest university announced Wednesday it was awarding an honorary doctorate to the laureate of folk-rock, Bob Dylan. (Ap Story)

The university said Dylan, 63, had accepted only one previous honorary degree, from Princeton University in 1970.

A little known fact: Mrs. Ira Herschowitz of Flatbush claims that she was actually the first to bestow the doctoral honorarium on Dylan, in 1954, at the age of 13. "Back then he was just little Bobby Zimmerman from around the corner," Mrs. Herschowitz recounted, "but my sisters and I called him 'Doctor Zimm' because he was so good at checking us for measles and the like in the store room of his father's bakery."

Over a glass of iced green tea at his apartment, this reporter asked Dr. Dylan (Hon.) about Mrs. Herschowitz's claim. His response was decidedly incomprehensible before he unfolded his bug-like wings and burrowed into the hardwood floor. "Eh uhZIMUH in thuh baykree with uh Ira uhma zim zimmo bzzz bzzz."

Man... what was in that tea?

Congratulations, El Paso

Congratulations, El Paso, TX, you’ve just been eliminated from our list of possible locations for the first annual Dennis Culver day. Hooray for you.

The bad news is, you’ve been named the sweatiest city in the United States by research scientist Tim Long.

By Long's calculations, in just four hours, El Paso's residents produce enough sweat to fill an Olympic swimming pool, with individuals shedding more than 36 fluid ounces of perspiration an hour.

For the dubious honor, El Paso Mayor Joe Wardy will receive a year's supply of Red Zone antiperspirant from Old Spice, a brand owned by consumer products company Procter & Gamble Co. and the sponsor of the study.

Also, congratulations to anyone who doesn’t work for research scientist Tim Long. Our condolences to the four runners up, Greenville, Phoenix, Corpus Christi and New Orleans – too sweaty to host Dennis Culver Day, but not sweaty enough for a pile of Old Spice.

IM About My Meanness

M: Let me ask you something... You've read the blog, do you think I'm too mean?
SD: Like what do you mean, mean?
M: Some people have said my posts are mean. That I have "issues"
SD: Dude, I've known you for so long, I'm not objective.
M: Ha! You think I'm mean, too, don't you? Ouch.
SD: I just hear your voice when I read it, so I know when you're being sarcastic or not. Other people don't. Mostly, I think you're earnest and heartfelt.
M: A-ha! You think I have issues, too.
SD: Sha, brohim. We all have issues. You just put yours on a web site.
M: Some might call that courageous.
SD: Some might call it obsessive compulsive. Or even mean.
M: Or that I have "issues."
SD: Your words.
M: Not my words, the words of like, a very high percentage of our readers.
SD: What's that, like 10 people?
M: Seven.
SD: There's nothing wrong with having issues with idiots who are screwing the country. I don't think you've written anything meaner than you'd find on the Daily Show.
M: Jon Stewart, my hero.
SD: He has more talent in his top left eyelid than you and Thom have put together.
M: That's reassuring in a strange way.
SD: I think you guys are funny, but there's a quality to the political stuff that takes the edge off the humor.
M: I read this interview with Al Franken about, I'm paraphrasing here, how the world is going to hell and it's our responsibility to stand up to conservative windbags and blah blah blah.
SD: Al Franken has no friends.
M: Jeanine Garafalo. Although come to think of it, I've never seen them in the same place at the same time.
YP Exactly. I wouldn't worry about being mean as much as being funny. Don't try to save the world, it's a total wreck at this point, just be funny. Didn't you guys get toasted by some dude for calling one of your screenplays "Spaz?"
M: A reader wrote some coverage about how we were mean to spastic people, which is a serious condition, but that's not what we were trying to do. The title character's name was Marvin Spacinsky and Spaz was his nickname, and you know, when you call someone Spaz it's like calling someone a mofo, you don't mean it literally (at least I hope you don't). La.
SD: I mean it literally, you stupid mofo.
M: Shut up, spaz.
SD: This is just like that.
M: This is just like that? What is that, a quote from Jean Paul Sarte? A Warren Zevon song?
SD: You guys are funny, sometimes you're mean, just focus your chi on being funny and don't worry about being mean if it works. Spaz won some sort of crappy award didn't it?
M: Hey, hey... It won TWO crappy awards. But thanks for the plug.
SD: You're going to post this on the blog, aren't you?
M: I'll change your handle so you won't be stalked.
SD: I was really worried about that.
M: And I'll fix your spelling and grammar, you cretin.
SD: You're mean.

Kick Bush Out Flash

It’s really not that funny, it’s really more sad than anything. This site will let you pretend you are a cartoon donkey kicking George W. Bush right in his conservative agenda.

Kick Bush Back to Crawford, TX

Kerry & Bush Raise $356 Mil; Guy on Corner Still Asking for a Buck

Democratric presidential candidate John Kerry raised a Democrat record-breaking 100 million dollars between March and May 2004, while President Bush has raised $216 million since March, 2003. (AP Story)

Meanwhile, the guy who lives on the corner of 5th Street and MLK Blvd who calls me "Doctor Jimmy" and routinely pours mud on my windshield then demands one dollar to clean it off with a torn pair of boxer shorts still hasn't raised the $4.75 he needs today to buy a microwave burrito and 16-ounce can of Schlitz malt liquor at the 7-Eleven on the corner of 6th Street and MLK.

Hey, Moneybags Kerry! How about tossing this guy a bone? A fiver should do it.
(I know better than to ask GW to help out a homeless guy.)

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Ten Tips For Career Advancement in the Bush "Recovery"

1. Practice in the mirror, "would you like fries with that?
2. Have you considered street hustling? Get out there and shake it like a Polaroid.
3. Snatch tax dollars by starting an energy company with the vice president
4. Become a performance artist by standing under the freeway with a cardboard sign that says "will work for food," and peeing on yourself -- although the competition is stiff
5. Buy low, sell lower
6. Build a giant laser capable of destroying the sun and threaten the world with an eternal ice age if you don't receive billions of dollars
7. Sell a kidney, five feet of small intestine and your corneas to rich mad scientists
8. Start an unemployment support group with George Tenet
9. Promote conservative Bible study groups in your bomb shelter that ponder new ways for George W. Bush to bring about the apocalypse
10. Run for President

Cheney and Halitosis

Veep Cheney has apparently misappropriated $7 billion in an effort to combat his chronic halitosis. Lay off the garlic butter, my friend.

Wait, I misread that. It wasn’t combating halitosis, it was paying his buddies at Haliburton. My bad. Apparently he overruled the Army’s own suggestions in order to toss Haliburton the serious kwan. I’ll bet his breath will still stink when he eats all that crow in November.

Read, get outraged, and then vote Kerry.

An Alec Baldwin Firestorm

"Alec, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to burn down your web site with a firestorm of political discourse!"

Seems that yesterday, in an attempt to get more people to see our Blog, I posted a link to it on Alec Baldwin's message board (my note was posted June 14) and the "regulars" that I can only assume are A.Baldwin Fan Club members started railing at each other about Bush and Kerry.

(What they don't realize are that both of those candidates are scumbags.)

Oh, well. At least they're talking politics instead of arguing which would be better: combing Alec's chest or braiding his back.

Wait, I just checked the site again and the conversation has migrated to religion. Come on, gang, cocktail party conversation 101: Don't talk politics or religion. Stick to which Alec Baldwin lines from which movies are his best.

Rush Limbaugh, Ambassador to the World

Your tax dollars are being used to promote the stunningly inaccurate audio-defecation otherwise known as the Rush Limbaugh show. Armed Forces Radio carries an hour of Rush Limbaugh's show each day. Isn’t it bad enough we’re putting our troops in harm’s way for a political war – do we need to systematically attack their IQ as well? Is this who you want representing America overseas?

Sign the petition today.

Monday, June 14, 2004

Dusting Off the Lemon Pledge of Allegiance

The Supreme Court preserved the phrase "one nation, under God," in the Pledge of Allegiance, ruling Monday that a California atheist could not challenge the patriotic oath... Read the AP Story

To promote informed conversation, the Editors of this Blog decided to share the less known versions of the Pledge with readers. Note: the original Pledge of Allegiance was written in 1892 by Francis Bellamy, an ex-Baptist minister who was thrown out of his church for being a Socialist who preached about a Utopian society where everyone belonged to a "perfect" middle class, and everybody called each other "comrade."

1892: (Bellamy's original version) "I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands - one nation indivisible - with liberty and justice for all."

1923: (Nat. Flag Conference) "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States and the Republic for which it stands - one nation indivisible - with liberty and justice for all."

1942: Congress officially recognized the pledge - (this was Strom Thurman's Dixiecrat version) "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States and the white Republic for which it stands - one nation indivisible, except for segregated schools, eating establishments, and public bathrooms - with liberty and justice for all but the negroes."

1954: (The Eisenhower version) "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Thank you, President Eisenhower, for diluting the Red Menace out of that pledge by adding a little old-time religion.

Latest Poll Results

In a recent two-way match-up, John Kerry is leading George W. Bush 51 percent to 49 percent; In a three-way match-up between Kerry, Bush and Ralph Nader, Kerry and Bush are tied at 49 each and Nader has 2.

In a four-way with Kerry, Bush and Nader, Paris Hilton says she regrets video-taping the party

In a four-way match-up, Kerry and Bush each have 35, Nader 2 and Kerry’s fabulous hair has 28

In a three-way match-up Reagan’s Zombie has 76, Kerry 20 and Bush 4

In a five-way match-up: Kerry 35, Bush 25, Joey Fatone 10, Sponge Bob 7 and a dill pickle 23

In a three way match-up a ticket of Kerry and John McCain takes 67, over Bush-Cheney 18, leaving 15 for Gary Coleman and a jar of Asian fish sauce

A four-way match-up looks like this: Kerry 48, a fully-loaded iPod 27, Captain Morgan 15, George Bush 10

Bill O’Reilly Translations

Bill O’Reilly posts quotes from his show in a little email called “Factor Flash.” That’s not ego-centric at all, nope, no way. Since he is barely intelligible, I thought I’d better start offering translations. From THE O'REILLY FACTOR for Thursday, June 10, 2004...:

Flash Factor Dribble:
When my father died some years back, a few people whom my dad had helped out didn't come to the funeral. [They] had no valid excuse for not going. They just didn't want to. I have never spoken to those people again.

What he really means:
I blame my utter loneliness on my father.

Flash Factor Dribble:

Fox News analyst Newt Gingrich's most provocative suggestion was that Russian President Putin, former KGB operative, would naturally not come to the Reagan funeral. He also agreed that French President Chirac continues to stick the Gallic thumb in America's eye.

What he really means:
I think people who hate the French are totally original, and I obviously don’t know what the word “provocative” means.

Flash Factor Dribble:
Fox News political analyst Dick Morris said President Bush's political fortunes are about to rise due to improvements in Iraq, his association with the ideology of Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton's upcoming book, which is likely to overshadow John Kerry.

What he really means:
I wish I had John Kerry’s fabulous hair, but instead I will hate him, the big bully. But I got to use the word “Dick” in my email newsletter, which is pretty cool.

Flash Factor Dribble:
The Factor continued to follow the story of relatives of illegal immigrants seeking $41 million from the United States to compensate for the death of their loved ones who perished in the Arizona heat. These survivors say our government should have provided food, water and more. Richard Samp of the Washington Legal Foundation argued that safety measures would actually backfire and attract even more illegal immigrants, many of whom would die in the desert.

What he really means:
You think I hate the liberals, Frenchies and commie Red Russians? At least they don’t have the nerve to believe in the American dream and die in a struggle in our desserts.

Flash Factor Dribble:
A recent screening of Michael Moore's anti-Bush film attracted a Who's Who of Hollywood liberals, among them Meg Ryan, Danny DeVito, Billy Crystal, and Sharon Stone. Journalist Pete Hammond reported that no one should be surprised by the largely leftward tilt of the Hollywood elite. Entertainment reporter Jeanne Wolf defended the stars, claiming they're politically astute. The Factor wondered why anyone would even bother to go to the movie.

What he really means:
I am so insanely jealous of anyone with even one single ounce of talent and charisma. Why won’t the paparazzi stalk me? Why aren’t I one of the beautiful people?

Ronald Reagan Quiz

1. What are the circumstances of Ronald Reagan’s birth:
a) He was sent here from the Heavens as a blessing to America
b) He was born February 6, 1911 to a human mother in Illinois above a store
c) He was born before the “Age of Reason,” and was put into a 300 year sleeping curse to only to awake and eventually become our president
d) Demons from the seventh circle of Hell are technically not “born”

2. Why the nickname “Dutch?”
a) Yahweh was already taken
b) His father gave him the nickname in childhood
c) It was ironic in that he never paid his own way
d) It’s an Esperanto word that means, “take from the poor and give to the rich”

3. What was his first full time job?
a) Savior of the free world
b) An Iowa sportscaster
c) As an actor and politician, he never truly worked an honest day’s work in his life
d) Torturing lost souls in Hades with a pair of pliers and a red-hot oyster fork

4. When and where did Reagan utter the famous line, “Where’s the rest of me?”
a) Just before it was explained to him that angels from heaven didn’t have corporal bodies
b) When he played the character of an amputee in the film “King’s Row”
c) When he first learned he was born without a heart or soul
d) As the demons formed his body out of the rotting flesh of dead Australian dingoes

5. What was the question Reagan asked in 1980 that became his campaign slogan?
a) Shall we bow down to the heavenly gods of greed and ego?
b) Are you better off than you were four years ago?
c) Would you mind terribly much if I turned loose all of our institutionalized mental patients onto the streets of America to pan-handle on every corner and pee on public property?
d) How, oh lord Satan, will I lead the greatest country in the history of the world into total depravity?

6. How old was Reagan when he first became President?
a) Angels are ageless
b) 69
c) Do you have an age when you’re dead from the neck up?
d) 666

7. In 1983 he proposed a missile defense system called Strategic Defense Initiative. What did most people call it?
a) Pure genius
b) Starwars
c) Delusional
d) Born of a crack-pipe

If you answered “a” to most questions, you’re are a Republican, and thus incapable of logical thought or dialog.
If you answered “b” to most questions: do you believe everything in the Reagan bio, you tool of the state?
If you answered “c” to most questions, you are a good, gracious, God-fearing and patriotic American
If you answered “d” to most questions, you are James Carville

We’ve Been Linked

And some wicked photos of Matt and Thom.

What Did Reagan Have Against Ray Charles?

Thought for the day: It’s just like Reagan to die this week and take all the attention away from Ray Charles.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Odor Coming from Britney's Dressing Room is Curious

Diva-mogul-Madonna-smoocher Britney Spears has a new odor. And she's going to charge money for it. AP Story... See, that's the difference between superstars and us regular folks. I invent new odors on a daily basis. But do I get to bottle, label, and sell them in swanky retail outlets like The Gap and the Phoenix Flea Market? No. I just get odd stares from my coworkers and disapproving looks from my dog.

In the Fall, Britney will be unveiling a new eau d' toilet called "Unobtainable." It will have a cross-gender marketing plan. For girls ages 10-24, the message will be: Britney's looks, fame, talent, and physical dimensions are completely Unobtainable by the likes of you, but you can get close by buying her fragrance. For boys ages 16-52, the message will be: Britney's breasts, gyrating hips, and nearly virginal lips are completely Unobtainable by the likes you, but you can get close by buying her fragrance and sprinkling it on your love pillow at night.

Friday, June 11, 2004

Cassini Won't Probe Uranus

(Just an excuse to use Uranus in a headline.) Another coup for NASA, if they don't miss the planet altogether and if Huygens (the smaller probe) doesn't sink in a lake of liquid ethane on the moon, Titan. They tested Huygens' landing technique by setting a prototype down at Ted Kennedy's Complex near Martha's Vinyard, where the concentration of liquid ethane is ten times greater than on Titan. It's good (honestly) to see tax dollars continued to be spent on scientific causes, like space.

AP Story

A Message from The Profit

You too can now be successful, handsome, influential, powerful, loved by all, and have your place in history preserved forever. Just follow the Profit:

Reagan Meeting with Tariq Aziz

I wouldn’t want to denigrate anyone, so I have to say, I’m 100% positive that there is nothing sinister going on here.

In fact, here’s how I imagine the actual transcript reads:

Ronald Reagan: Tariq got his freak on?
Tariq Aziz: Double-R, bustin’ it my nizzle.
RR: Sah-da-tay, my dammie.
TA: I love what you’ve done with your hair, it so, FABULOUS.
RR: You’re wearing a new cologne, aren’t you? It’s very musky, very potent, very “I’m going to take some weapons and screw you guys later.”
TA: Glad you like it, I wore it just for you. I love that suit, it’s very “I’d love to sing for Roxy Music.”
RR: Hey, you wanna’ watch some reruns of Death Valley Days?
TA: Queue it up, dog.

[Editor's Note: For you youngsters out there with attention spans too short to remember, Tariq Aziz was the foreign minister and deputy prime minister of Iraq when it was a "bad" country.]

Proof #4 That George W. Bush is a Monkey

Monkeys cannot perform mathematical computations.

Ed. Note: My earlier post, “Proof #3 that George W. Bush is a Monkey: Monkeys fling poo,” might be construed as “denigrating.” Since I’m trying to avoid denigrating people unnecessarily, I thought I should explain. I wasn't trying to be funny when I wrote "monkeys fling poo," because they really do fling poo, and I think I read somewhere that George Bush flings poo. Well, maybe it wasn't "George Bush flings poo," maybe it was "George Bush sings poorly," or "George Bush brings soup," or "George Bush frengie doopoo," but I interpreted that to mean "flings poo." They say actions speak louder than words, and believe me, nothing speaks louder than flinging poo. I was thrown out of summer camp twice for "expressing my opinion," but I'm over it.

Jackie Ojeda’s Blog

She rocks, she’s left her band The Sexy Apes, and she has a blog. Read it here.

Hey, Stop Denigrating People, You Commie Screenwriting Leftie

A friend of ours read this blog and basically said we weren’t funny because we were only taking pot shots at people instead of coming up with something original. It really made me think. First I had to look up the word “denigrating,” in the dictionary, because I thought it meant “moving to the den for drinks and cigars.” It doesn’t mean that at all.

So then, because I’m needy and pathetic and just want to be loved, I thought maybe he’s right. Maybe I shouldn’t write so much snarky crap. I need to stop my denigratory remarks (I’m still not sure if I’m using that word right). I even tried to come up with some funny statements that didn’t involve denigratitiousness. This was all I could come up with:

I’m afraid of squirrels because they walk around in the trees and might poop on my head.

Ten minutes later that's still all I had. Maybe I’m not that funny after all. But then I read the Thom’s post on Matt Perry’s missing digit and laughed my ass off again. And besides, most of the people we make fun of are conservative idiots who think they know better and they have it coming. Liberals are often so accepting and tolerant that they don't go on the attack (or go on the denigrate). Also, liberals are typically much smarter than conservatives and thus, boring as hell. We owe it to the universe to point out when conservatives are being giant caca heads. That's a technical term I learned in a poli-sci class. So, I’ll probably continue my denigrituities but I’ll try to limit it to cases where they have it coming.

CDC Tip on West Nile Virus: Avoid Mosquito Bites

The CDC has warned America that as the summer weather develops, so does the threat of West Nile Virus (which is spread by mosquitos). They're tip for us to protect ourselves? "Avoid Mosquito Bites."

        CDC West Nile Page

Friggin' genius! That's like saying, "Hey, want to know the secret to living longer? Don't die." Thank you CDC.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Ashcroft: Don't Make Me Get Medieval On You

Attorney General John D. Ashcroft told Congress yesterday that he would not release a 2002 policy memo on the degree of pain and suffering legally permitted during enemy interrogations, but said he knows of no presidential order that would allow al Qaeda suspects to be tortured by U.S. personnel. [Washington Post Story.]

Instead, he responded to specific types of torture suggested by the press:

Stone Phillips: What about sandpaper and lemon juice?
Ashcroft: Definitely OK.
Katy Couric: Pliers and a blowtorch?
Ashcroft: Maybe, depending on the importance of the intelligence we could get.
Sam Donaldson: How about twelve hours of Jessica Simpson singing?
Ashcroft: Completely crosses the line. What are you, Sam, some kind of monster?

The Devil Saves the Day

A Stockholm carnival worker named Ben-Hur saved a stranded teenager on a ferris-wheel while dressed as the devil.

Could it be this guy actually is the devil? Imagine you’re the devil, and you save this kid, and then there’s all this attention on you, because you’re not supposed to be saving people, you’re supposed to be damning them into eternity, I mean you’re the devil and everything, but you see this kid dangling and you’re overcome with sympathy, and then people start pointing and yelling and asking, “hey man, are you really the devil,” and you just want to save your street cred, because if people find out you’re saving kids on ferris wheels they’re never going to take you seriously when you threaten them with boiling toad blood and sulphurous eye of newt, so you’d probably just panic and say, “no… I’m not the devil… I just dress this way… I work in a carnival… yeah, and my name is… my name is… Ben-Hur.”

Political Oil in Australia

"Bald Pates for Everyone!" was the war cry from the opposition Labour Party's headquarters, with news that activist rocker Peter Garrett might run for parliament. (AP) Story...

When a news reporter asked Garrett about his lack of participation (as a voter) in the past 10 years of elections, Garrett answered the question with a question, "How can we sleep when our beds are burning?" to which, the reporter coolly replied with the appropriate rhetorical response, "How can we dance when our earth is turning?"

Yes, average poetry and politics go hand in hand Down Under.

Backstage Accident or Prison Scandal Cover-up?

We've all heard the story that Matthew Perry lost the tip of his right middle finger years ago when he slammed a stage door on it. But is that the truth, or just the spin the administration put on it? I think that missing fingertip potentially hides a darker, more nefarious series of events.

What I Think Happened to Matthew Perry's Missing Digit:

[A] Bitten off by dog in Abu Grahib, when Matthew was mistaken for a radical Shiite imam by intelligence officers and "detained" for a month during a USO tour of Iraq. Cellmate, third-world debt relief proponent and famous sunglasses wearer, Bono, describes the mutilation: "It was, like, the dog, man, was the metaphor for the starving masses in Central and South America, and Matty was representing the rich overbearing U.S. and U.K. presence, denying the dog debt relief and forcing his Hollywood and blue jeans way of life on the oppressed. So, rightly so, the oppressed dog rose up and bit off his self-righteous finger. Then the guards took pictures of us sodomizing each other. I don't remember much after that, but I think The Edge posted my bail. I woke up a few days later in Belgrade. It was a wild ride, man."

[B] Bitten off by a ravenous Courtney Cox-Arquette-Cox, during a lunch break while shooting a season six episode of "Friends." Witnesses say Cox-Arquette-Cox was delirious from days of binging and purging. David Schwimmer recounts, "She was delirious from days of binging and purging, and mistook Matt's finger for one of Wolfgang Puck's spicy sausage links. It was totally understandable. I would have done the same thing, just for a taste of Wolfgang's spicy sausage."

[C] Needed as part of the GOP's 2004 presidential running mate flesh golem. A leaked White House internal memo states: With the possibility of Dick Cheney dying and ascending to the dark throne of Hades, we must complete the automaton before All Hallows Eve, so that GW has a living, breathing running mate. Parts still needed include: 1) the spleen of a Protestant, 2) knees of the Gipper that won't buckle at press conferences -- requires a closed casket funeral, 3) the fingertip of a mediocre-but-popular actor, 4) the thick lustrous hair of a Latino -- but not too Latino...

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Soul Plane Bootleg

If you haven’t seen Soul Plane on DVD, you’re in a smaller minority than Nader voters. MGM did a poll during the opening weekend, and 25% of viewers had already seen the movie. As a screenwriter, I want to say I'm outraged, but more importantly, what kind of idiot would admit to intentionally seeing Soul Plane twice?

An Inarticulate Monkey Meets with Group of Eight

Likely Oval Office dialogue:
Dick Cheney: Do you feel prepared for your G8 meeting?
George W. Bush: One thing, how do you spell G8?
DC: It’s G... eight...?
GWB: Like, with a J, I’ve got it down as J-E-E-Y-A-T-E, but it might have a silent g-h in it, J-E-Y-E-I-G-H-T.
DC: It’s G and 8. It stands for Group of Eight.
GWB: Is that a boy band, like N’Sync? I like them.
DC: It’s Canada, Britain, Russia, France, Germany, Italy and Japan and the US.
GWB: That sounds like a lot of people.
DC: Not the entire country, representatives from each of those countries. The big eight economic powers.
GWB: Why is Canada on the list?
DC: No one knows.
GWB: Do I have to talk to the Frenchies?
DC: Yep.
GWB: They’re mean-O. And they smell funny. I don’t like to talk to them. And the Japanese, they talk all “ching ching, clang clang clang,” can’t understand a word..
DC: Look, I can’t be there with you, so you’ll have to be a big boy, and play nice with the others. OK?
GWB: Yes sir.
DC: Condi’s going to read you my memo, try to pay attention.
GWB: Are there pictures?
DC: No pictures. Just go there and pitch U.N. help in Iraq.
GWB: How do you spell U.N.? I’ve got Y-O-U-I-N-N, but that’s another word for pee pee isn’t it?

Reagan: A Real American

Maybe I've been too hard on Ronald Reagan. I mean, the guy died and had to wait three years for a funeral. He deserves better than that. In a lot of ways, Reagan was the ultimate American:

1) He thought of the world in simple terms. I credit Reagan for hastening the collapse of the Soviet Union. It's his presidency's greatest legacy and the universe is indebted to him. But by calling the Soviet Union "the Evil Empire," he made it OK to describe entire groups of people as "evil," and thus marginalize their real lives for the sake of easily digested political rhetoric. Politicians of much lesser finesse have later described unrelated countries without any political alliances or associations as an "Axis of Evil." The truth is that nations of people, empires as it were, cannot be evil. Evil requires a singularity of vision and purpose that by definition a group cannot advance. In the meantime, Reagan plunged us into debt amassing the largest nuclear arsenal in history, building bombs we'll never use. I can't deny that this brought about the fall of the Eastern Bloc sooner than later, but I also can't deny that it would have happened eventually anyway. The Soviet system was amazingly inefficient and would have imploded on itself without our help. But think for a moment the risk we took calling their bluff. The Reagan plan could have just as probably turned the world's greatest cities into molten glass.

2) Big, simple ideas were always more important than facts. One of my favorite memories of Reagan was during the 1980 campaign when he said that trees caused more pollution than cars. How could he be so uneducated about environmental concerns to confuse carbon monoxide with carbon dioxide? In the end it didn't matter, what stuck was the (incorrect) idea that we had overestimated our environmental concerns.

3) He believed in the American Dream: we're all responsible for our own successes and failures and government should get out of the way. I'm not opposed to tax cuts as long as we can still balance the budget. I'm not opposed to increased national spending, even on defense, if it creates more jobs. I am opposed to hawking our future and our children’s' future on debt we're still paying off to overheat the economy for political reasons, which is what I believe truly drove the 80s arms race. I think taking benefits away from unemployed women with children and turning out legions of mentally deranged citizens to create an epidemic of homelessness is inexcusable, even if it means my taxes are lowered and I have a better chance to grab the big brass ring. You can keep your American Dream -- I'd rather feed, house and clothe the brothers and sisters around me.

4) It's only a crime if you get caught (and convicted). Enough has been written about Iran-Contra and Savings and Loan scandals to fill a set of encyclopedias. Suffice it to say that Americans will always drive 10 miles over the speed limit, cheat a little on taxes, argue with the referee when they know they've committed a foul, sneak an extra glass of wine at Macaroni Grill, copy off their friends test, set their watches forward and exaggerate their accomplishments on their resumes.

Reagan really did show us what it meant to be American -- at least the ugly stereotypical variety -- and in a way, I miss it. Like millions of us this week, I'm caught up in a certain Reagan nostalgia. If not for the man himself, for the era of open possibilities, a time when I believed I could tell the good guys from the bad guys and an age where I still believed that any American could become anything they wanted if they just had a chance.

Recent IM about Military Careers

Me: I'm just saying I can't conceive of any circumstance where I'd be comfortable joining the Army.
The Other Guy: You're too independent.
M: Yeah, that, but mostly I couldn't ever make the choice where I would kill for a living.
TOG: You make it sound like murder.
M: Isn't that what killing people is?
TOG: There's a difference between murder and self defense.
M: I agree. But what we've done in recent history has nothing to do with self defense. It's murder for political purposes.
TOG: That's one point of view -- I think we're liberating an oppressed people.
M: You might be right, and that is a worthy side-effect of the war. But that's not why we went over there. We went over there to find WMDs and battle terrorism.
TOG: Exactly, self defense.
M: As it turns out there are no WMDs.
TOG: We'll find them, probably in Syria.
M: Good luck. But my point is, whether or not we find them, our reason for fighting the war, the benefits we're supposedly getting, have changed with the situation. That makes me think there is no real reason or we'd stick to the story.
TOG: It doesn't matter. The bottom line is that the Iraqi people are free, Saddam is in jail and democracy has a chance in the Middle East. The end justifies the means.
M: No it doesn't. That's why I couldn't join the military. If I thought there was a real threat, I'd pick up a gun and fight. But to join the military is to say that you're willing to kill another human being for shifting political reasons that may or may not be justified.
TOG: If everyone worried about that there'd be no one left to fight.
M: Exactly.

I Am Not a War Criminal

(warning: there is unfortunately nothing funny in this entry, although arguably there isn't anything terribly funny in any of our entries)

One more reason why, if you have any sense of human decency, you cannot vote for George W. Bush: The fascinating definitions of torture and plausible deniability of the Bush White House (according to the New York Times):

Torture is only torture if you intend to cause severe pain:

For example, if an interrogator "knows that severe pain will result from his actions, if causing such harm is not his objective, he lacks the requisite specific intent even though the defendant did not act in good faith," the report said. "Instead, a defendant is guilty of torture only if he acts with the express purpose of inflicting severe pain or suffering on a person within his control."

If you can pretend that you are only torturing your fellow human beings for the greater good (whatever that means) you're off the hook:

The report also said that interrogators could justify breaching laws or treaties by invoking the doctrine of necessity. An interrogator using techniques that cause harm might be immune from liability if he "believed at the moment that his act is necessary and designed to avoid greater harm."


Jamie Fellner, the director of United States programs for Human Rights Watch, said Monday, "We believe that this memo shows that at the highest levels of the Pentagon there was an interest in using torture as well as a desire to evade the criminal consequences of doing so."


The March memorandum also contains a curious section in which the lawyers argued that any torture committed at Guantánamo would not be a violation of the anti-torture statute because the base was under American legal jurisdiction and the statute concerns only torture committed overseas. That view is in direct conflict with the position the administration has taken in the Supreme Court, where it has argued that prisoners at Guantánamo Bay are not entitled to constitutional protections because the base is outside American jurisdiction.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Candidates Vie for Dennis Culver Day

We’ve narrowed our search for a Dennis Culver Day namesake. Take a look at the following contenders:

Dennis Culver, Artist, Hater of Evil
Pros: World’s greatest proponent of the mini-comic
Cons: World’s greatest proponent of the mini-comic

Dennis Culver, Preparator, Museum of Indian Arts and Culture, Santa Fe, New Mexico
Pros: Knows a lot of cool stuff about Native American art
Cons: That might get kind of creepy and you can’t ask someone to leave early, especially when it’s their own day and everything

Dan Culver, Overall Great Human Being
Pros: sounds like a great guy
Cons: His first name is “Dan” making “Dennis Culver Day” kind of confusing.

Culver City, Home of the Kirk Douglas Theatre
Pros: Not just one person, but a whole city-ful
Cons: It’s, uh, Culver City, and they spell “Theater” in the fancy-schmancy way, “Theatre.”

How to Be Funny

Memo: Attention managers

Please disregard our previous memo asking you to reprimand employees who fraternize with other employees, tell jokes, or make sarcastic remarks. Research indicates that humor in the workplace significantly decreases the likelihood of an employee-initiated incident involving our top executives. With this in mind, please templatize the following guidelines into an implementation plan that your business unit is capable of integrating into your unique teamicity (utilizing Schedules A1 and F3 of your employee handbooks) while considering the feedback loop that exists within your direct reporting mechanism, including but not limited to status reporting, project meetings, team meetings, committee findings, PTA gatherings, and local neo-fascist pep rallies. I’d like to see some results by Friday.

1) Use funny words. The following is a list of words and phrases that everyone knows are funny. Try to work these into your conversations as often as possible: Fancy, Copernicus, jiggle, yabba-dabba-doo, wrinkly, possum, possum stew, dead possum stew, raw dead possum stew, hairy, groovy, Bob, bonk, wonk, winky, schnitzel, Episcopalian, underpants, tummy, loopy, wing-wang, cooties, liver, wart, fizzle, corduroy, Pleistocene, and banjo.

Warning: straying too far beyond the accepted list could result in an official reprimand. Reprimands are not funny.

2) Quote funny lines. Remember how funny it was the first, or maybe even second time you heard “Whazzup?” Remember how hard you laughed during your favorite funny movie? Remember how cool you looked playing air guitar at the Starship concert? Imagine how entertaining you'll be when you repeat funny lines to your coworkers. I personally never get tired of hearing “Whazzup,” yelled into my phone receiver.

Here's an example of how you can share your favorite funny moments from film and television: “Hey Bob, how's the fancy jiggle tummy? Remember when Leslie Neilson said in that gun movie of his, ‘Why don't you shoot yourself in the head three times if you mean yes,’ to the bad guy, and the bad guy's girlfriend said, ‘no, don't, it's a trick?’ That was really funny.” Then stand back and watch out—the ensuing laughter is contagious!

Suggestion: Famous lines are also funny. The next time you yell “Whazzup,” and someone asks you why you're so smart and funny, just say, "Elementary my dear Watson!" Hilarious.

3) Use props. One of the funniest men alive is Carrot Top. Rent his videos and memorize his "schtick" (that's Yiddish a word meaning style of humor—Yiddish words are funnier than English words). One of my favorite pranks is to ignore what someone is saying until they are completely annoyed. Then I turn around and wave a banana in their face and say, "What's that you say, corduroy plasticene banjo? I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear!" He he he!

4) Have a 'tis-zy. Everyone has an uncle or dad or step-mom who thought it was funny to use old fashioned words like "Say madam, 'tis a fine and friendly day we're having. Top o' the mornin' to you and yours, and your hairy wonk winky." What could be more endearing?

5) Be a David. David's are funny. Think of David Letterman and David Spade. David's are sarcastic and too hip to take things seriously. You can be funny by mimicking Davids' tone, even if it's completely inappropriate. It's cool to look like you don't care about anything. Say things like, "Oh, that's great, 'cause you know, kids, it just ain't happenin', the lights are on, but Robert Redford is old and saggy, you know what I mean? Underpants!"

6) Show me the funny--show me the money. Because humor in the workplace increases productivity by decreasing days lost to homicidal mania, carry around a bunch of one-dollar bills to hand out to employees you catch in the act of being funny. Don't wait until they finish, though, or you will fail to invoke the all-important behavior modifying response pattern. Before he or she gets to the punch line, jump in with, "I hate to interrupt you loopy liver wart, but are you trying to be funny? Here, have a dollar." I think everyone can learn from this example.

Please implement this new policy ASAP and report back with your findings by Friday. Thank you, and enjoy the raw dead possum stew. It's Episcopalian.

Reagan Dead for Years?

How’s this for a conspiracy theory to chew on... Ronald Reagan has been dead for three years and it was just announced this week to trump all the momentum John Kerry has gained in the polls and to distract from the Iraq quagmire. Did anyone see the body? Has anyone seen Reagan in the last three years? Nope, ‘cause he was dead, he was deceased, departed, passed over, gone to the place where only John Edwards can hear you, playing canasta with Beelzebub, in the deep deep sleep.

Pauly Shore Found

Rest easy, we’ve found Pauly Shore. I couldn’t find a link online but the weasel is in this month’s Budget Living magazine. Phew. Rumor has it that he’ll be at HOB Las Vegas in July, so let’s see if there’s a special “presidential” visit to sin city around that same time...

Monday, June 07, 2004

Zombie Chronicles

MTV has tapped Rob Zombie for a new series called “Zombie Chronicles.” That is all I know. I don’t know if it’s an Ozzie-style reality show or if there will be actually zombies involved (as opposed to hairy middle-aged men covered in grease paint and white chalk pretending to be zombies while ripping off songs from Nitzer Ebb). If there are real zombies, has anyone considered the consequences should these zombies escape and eat the brains of the MTV development executives. Oh, wait, what am I saying, that would require brains located somewhere inside of an MTV exec when we all know they're filled with silicon and Yoohoo. Nevermind.

Don't Be Fooled: Why Bush is not Reagan

The Bushies desperately want people to think that their favorite inarticulate monkey is virtually indistinguishable from Ronald Reagan. I find that insulting, even as a bleeding heart liberal who remembers the Reagan years as an egotistical orgy of public spending. The next time you hear that argument, I want you to consider the following facts about Reagan:
• He could perform basic arithmetic
• Never flung poo (at least in public)
• When he used the phrase “soviet union” it actually described an existing geopolitical structure, not a slip of the tongue when he meant to say “Russia.”
• He wasn’t a total embarrassment
• Had friends in France
• Picked his nose – didn’t eat it
• Comfortable with two or even three syllable words
• When you type “miserable failure” in Google, his name doesn’t come up first
• At least understood he was screwing the American people when he chose to screw them

Ronald Reagan Dies: Hell Immediately Faces Massive Budget Deficit

Ah, the Reagan years:
• Massive and unnecessary defense build up at the expense of roads, technology and schools (so much for the conservative limited government agenda)
• The largest deficits in history leaving years of red ink that you and I and our children must deal with
• Loaded up our Supreme Court with right-wing wackos
• Bursting real-estate bubbles
• Fiendish tax avoidance by the richest Americans
• The savings and loan scandals
• The foul Iran-Contra scandal (why is lying about oral sex worse than lying about negotiating to keep our hostages under the gun in Iran until becoming President and then trading arms for hostages -- other people would call that treason)
• And a general, distasteful hubris that defines the term “ugly American” worldwide

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Plans Underway for Dennis Culver Day

We’re planning our first annual “Dennis Culver Day.” It’s not just a day, but really more of a festival. This is, understandably, a giant undertaking for two dim-witted barely-employed comedy writers. Here are the steps we have left in our planning:

1) Find someone named Dennis Culver worthy of having a day named after him (or her).

2) Pick a day, preferably in a time of year that is not too hot so the college kids can enjoy a barbecue of burgers and weenies

3) Purchase burgers and weenies (and probably some charcoal or something, and balloons I guess, I’m not really much of a barbecue guy, and maybe hire a clown, and not some part-time low-rent scary clown or one of those sad European-style clowns, but a real old-fashioned pie-in-Dennis-Culver’s-face clowns).

4) Organize officially-sanctioned rites and festivities (there will undoubtedly be Karaoke involved and adult beverages).

O.J. Simpson Not Really Looking for the Real Killer

In an interview with the Associated Press, O. J. Simpson said he’s not really spending a lot of time looking for the “real killer” anymore.

When a jury found him not guilty a year later, Simpson vowed he would spend the rest of his life searching for the real killers. He acknowledged that he's no longer putting much effort into that search, saying that's partly because he's too busy raising the couple's two teenage children.

His lawyer, Yale Galanter, who sat in on the interview, said he continues to receive tips every week. But Simpson added that he no longer has the money to pursue them.

I’d make a snarky comment about that, except for the fact that:
1) it’s just too sad,
2) it’s just too easy and
3) I don’t want to be stabbed to death in my driveway.

Just Kidding, Boys: Bush’s European Farewell Tour

In what most Europeans hope marks his last presidential trip to Europe, George Bush is trying to bolster new European support for increased UN participation in Iraq. The basic content of his visit: we were just kidding about all that “let’s dump the U.N. and eat freedom fries" mumbo jumbo.

"I believe the world understands the importance of a free Iraq emerging in the Middle East,"

I guess that means we need to out the imperialistic occupation of… oh wait, that’s us, nevermind.

Read all about it.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Wal-Mart Wages

According to Business Week, the average Wal-Mart worker makes $9.64 an hour. So what's all this complaining about poor wages and exploitation? Annually, $9.64 an hour translates to $20,000 (probably more like $13,000 after taxes and insurance). Rockefeller money. Besides, I want to buy week-old, picked-over produce and no-name-brand underwear at third-world prices.

Bushies Target Churches

And you thought bombing wedding parties was a bad idea? The Bush campaign is trying to sucker thousands of religious congregations around the country to risk their special tax status by stumping for the Republicans this year in a partisan spam sent to many members of the clergy and others in Pennsylvania, according to the New York Times.

After all, Jesus must be very proud of the Bush agenda so far:

* Lying to get us into a war that has resulted in more death than 9\11
* Stealing from the poorest Americans to give tax breaks to the rich
* Jumping around and chattering like an inarticulate monkey
* Outright attempts to marginalize gays and lesbians
* Dismantling of public education

Oh, wait... Jesus wouldn't be proud... I was thinking of the other guy.

Proof #3 that George W. Bush is a Monkey

Monkeys fling poo.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Reality Sues

Variety reports that David E. Kelley (The Practice) is threatening to inflict a lawyer-based reality TV show onto the viewing public. Please, will someone call in our top FBI hostage negotiators before that happens? Who is more obnoxious than a bunch of random publicity-hounds voting each other off an island? Try a bunch of ambulance chasers fighting over their paralegal pool. What's grosser than watching contestants eat pig intestines? How about rich lawyers ripping each other off to make even more moola by whining on TV? What's a greater tragedy than The Donald's renegade mop-top? Real victims agreeing to binding arbitration outside of an actual court room for the resolution of their civil actions.

And I thought The Swan was our cultural nadir. Where do we go from here? Here are some free ideas, programming directors:

* Flaming Circus Train Wrecks
* American Orphan
* How Much for Your Kidney?
* It All Tastes Like Chicken
* Poop!
* Death by Bongo Bongo
* Baby Seal Hunters
* A Very Bolten Christmas

Showing his genius at positive spin, Kelley described the show as, "my worst nightmare," and promised a real possibility to stink up the airwaves in failure:

"The nutshell version is, it represents my worst nightmare," Kelley quipped during an interview Tuesday. "In writing 'The Practice,' I've always worried someone would come along to do this kind of storytelling but with real cases and real lawyers."


"In success we should be as enlightening as we are entertaining," Kelley added. "In failure, we'll stink."

Well said.

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