Bill O’Reilly Translations

Bill O’Reilly posts quotes from his show in a little email called “Factor Flash.” That’s not ego-centric at all, nope, no way. Since he is barely intelligible, I thought I’d better start offering translations. From THE O'REILLY FACTOR for Thursday, June 10, 2004...:

Flash Factor Dribble:

When my father died some years back, a few people whom my dad had helped out didn't come to the funeral. [They] had no valid excuse for not going. They just didn't want to. I have never spoken to those people again.

What he really means:
I blame my utter loneliness on my father.

Flash Factor Dribble:

Fox News analyst Newt Gingrich's most provocative suggestion was that Russian President Putin, former KGB operative, would naturally not come to the Reagan funeral. He also agreed that French President Chirac continues to stick the Gallic thumb in America's eye.

What he really means:
I think people who hate the French are totally original, and I obviously don’t know what the word “provocative” means.

Flash Factor Dribble:

Fox News political analyst Dick Morris said President Bush's political fortunes are about to rise due to improvements in Iraq, his association with the ideology of Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton's upcoming book, which is likely to overshadow John Kerry.

What he really means:
I wish I had John Kerry’s fabulous hair, but instead I will hate him, the big bully. But I got to use the word “Dick” in my email newsletter, which is pretty cool.

Flash Factor Dribble:

The Factor continued to follow the story of relatives of illegal immigrants seeking $41 million from the United States to compensate for the death of their loved ones who perished in the Arizona heat. These survivors say our government should have provided food, water and more. Richard Samp of the Washington Legal Foundation argued that safety measures would actually backfire and attract even more illegal immigrants, many of whom would die in the desert.

What he really means:
You think I hate the liberals, Frenchies and commie Red Russians? At least they don’t have the nerve to believe in the American dream and die in a struggle in our desserts.

Flash Factor Dribble:

A recent screening of Michael Moore's anti-Bush film attracted a Who's Who of Hollywood liberals, among them Meg Ryan, Danny DeVito, Billy Crystal, and Sharon Stone. Journalist Pete Hammond reported that no one should be surprised by the largely leftward tilt of the Hollywood elite. Entertainment reporter Jeanne Wolf defended the stars, claiming they're politically astute. The Factor wondered why anyone would even bother to go to the movie.

What he really means:
I am so insanely jealous of anyone with even one single ounce of talent and charisma. Why won’t the paparazzi stalk me? Why aren’t I one of the beautiful people?