Friday, April 28, 2006

El Hipócrita habla por su recto

(AP) A Spanish language version of the national anthem was released Friday by a British music producer, Adam Kidron, who said he wanted to honor America's immigrants.

When the president was asked at a Rose Garden question-and-answer session whether the anthem should be sung in Spanish, he replied: "I think the national anthem ought to be sung in English, and I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English and they ought to learn to sing the national anthem in English."
And yet, in both of the presidential elections that Mr. Bush ran in, he flaunted his fluency in Tex-Mex Spanish to woo the Latino vote away from the Democrats.

We already sing "Happy Birthday" and "Merry Christmas" in other languages, why not start every baseball game with the Spanish version of the national anthem, then at the seventh inning stretch, we can all stand up and sing "sáqueme al partido de béisbol..." (Doesn't it just roll off the tongue?)

¡ el hijo de una playa !

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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Bush Push Despite Nuke Flook

On the 20th anniversary of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant disaster, President Bush is still actively pushing for more nuclear plants to be built in the U.S. as a "safe and clean alternative to coal and foreign oil."

"Have you seen how much energy you can get from one of those powerplants?" the President asked during a fundraising dinner, referring to Chernobyl. "That sucker's not even online and it's still cookin'!"

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Steaming Pile of Hu on the White House Lawn

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Snake Fossil with Legs Proves the Devil Exists

A new fossil discovery has revealed the most primitive snake known, a crawling creature with two legs, and it provides new evidence that snakes evolved on land rather than in the sea. Creationists around the world call it proof of the devil's existence.

Dr. Elron Swaggwell of the Lynchtown University theological archeology department said Wednesday, "that although the dating of the fossil [at over 90 million years] is obviously absurd, the find itself is proof that when the devil was cast out of the Garden of Eden, he cavorted with lizards while still in his serpent form, creating such abominations as this fossil."

Movin' On Up to that Deelux Apartment in the Sky

The White House just announced that Karl "Wormtongue" Rove is paring down his role as Primary Voice in Bush's Head. He will stop defining administration policy (which he has done with disastrous efffects over the past six years) and will bend his will upon tricking America into voting for Republicans in the midterm elections, despite all the damage they've done.

k a l o o , k a l a y .

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Bush Experiences Erectile Dysfunction with Rumsfeld

Bush is trying to prop up the slagging secretary. But retired generals are calling for his resignation, the news media is pointing out his alleged failures, and hot Pentagon babes are calling him incompetent, making Rumsfeld feel weak and inadequate.

If he remains limp much longer, Bush is just going to have to cut him off.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Blaine to Transform Himself into Giant Bath Wrinkle

The once-magician-now-crazy-stunt-lunatic David Blaine has announced a deal with ABC television. The conditions of the agreement: Blaine lives underwater for a full week, ABC milks two primetime shows out of it, and we the watchers of TV get yet another lame excuse for entertainment. (Plus all the teasers, trailers, and promos we could possibly endure.)

Want to make it exciting? Want to make it death-defying? Want to make it something the American public would actually like to watch? Have Blaine spend the week with a couple hammerhead sharks. Or spice it up with sharks and Australian saltwater crocodiles. Mmmm, Blaine tar-tar.

Oh, and to add to the shameless self-promotion, the U.S. Navy is in the mix, with Blaine boasting that he trained with real Navy seals to prepare for the idiocy. Think the Navy might run some ads during the finale?

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Don't DeLay, Quit Today!

Seems to me that the politicians who are guilty of a crime stick around for the fight. Deny, deny, deny, until, exhausted and beaten down, with their allies fleeing and the media watchdogs nipping at their heels, they finally give in. Sometimes apologizing for their misconduct, sometimes claiming to be stepping aside to allow the country to go on with its business instead of being sidetracked by the hype surrounding their situation.

But in this case we have majority leader Tom DeLay, innocent as the day is long, stepping down with only a couple indictments in his pocket. Poor guy. Poor Hammer. Such a strange turn of events...

It must be all the power those Democrats and liberal groups still weild across the country, especially in Texas.

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