Monday, May 31, 2004

W’s Shiny New Toy: Saddam’s Gun

Apparently, in a typically presidential manner, our first frat boy has been flaunting Saddam Hussein’s pistol around like a five-year old and a rare Zapdos Pokemon. Does that seem weird to anyone (besides Reuters)? He bandies it about the Oval Office for special visitors when they drop by to chat about things like the widening tech depression, using the war to deflect concern over corporate scandals, Haliburton cronyism and the latest Justin Timberlake single.

"He really liked showing it off," Time quoted a visitor as saying. "He was really proud of it."

Finally something he can be proud of. At least Clinton used the Oval Office to show off his own pistol.

Your Tax Dollars (Or What's Left of Them) Hard at Work

George Bush is getting all he can out of Air Force One on the campaign trail, while John Kerry has only his fabulous hair. In their desperate race to out-Clinton the Clintons, the Bushies refuse to stop at triangulation and big government and are apparently using frequent flyer miles as the new "mine is bigger than yours," measure:

President Clinton frequently was criticized by Republicans for his record-setting use of Air Force One in the campaign season, and Bush is exceeding Clinton's pace.


An Associated Press tally of Bush's travels shows he has made at least 114 trips in the 17 months since January 2003.

Clinton flew Air Force One on 123 domestic trips between January 1995 and mid-October 1996, a period of 22 months. It was a record for re-election-related travel aboard the presidential aircraft, according to the Center for Public Integrity.

Get the whole monkey poop here.

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Jon Stewart: America’s Most Insightful Pundit

Remember when trusted figures like Walter Cronkite delivered real news instead of the poison water borne by right-wing lackeys like Bill O’Reilly? Today, the sharpest and most honest people in the news are actually comedians.

Witness Jon Stewart’s hilariously thought-provoking address to this year’s grads at William and Mary. Here’s a snippet:

* * *
Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.

Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.

I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.

Saturday, May 29, 2004

Jimmy Fallon Leaving SNL

It was inevitable – Saturday Night Live had far outlived its typical “we don’t suck anymore” cycle. Jimmy Fallon is leaving. Watch as talent flees SNL like fleas on a drowning dog. Now that Tina Fey has scored big Hollywood kudos, how much longer before she leaves too and SNL fades into a Joe Piscipo et al death spiral.

We’ll miss you J-Fal. Be a Bill Murray or an Adam Sandler and not a Rob Schneider (or a Nora Dunn, or a Tim Meadows, or a Lorraine Newman, or a Chevy Chase for that matter…).

Friday, May 28, 2004

An Open Letter to the Makers of Adult Diapers

Dear maker of adult diapers,

I've taken to wearing adult diapers, you know, for the convenience factor. I think nothing could be more disgusting than having to use a public restroom. You never know who or what was on the seat before you. And urinals? Not for me, mister. I don't trust the splash-back factor. No, I'd rather just wet myself. It's easier that way. What about the itching, you ask? It’s no itchier than pouring honey and an ant farm down your pants.

I want you to know that you can freely use this letter in any of your marketing campaigns. I’ve heard that customer testimonials are very effective. If you want, I’ll read the letter on the air during the Super Bowl while demonstrating my use of your products. I have a lot of good ideas for using diapers. For example, I bet your butt falls asleep on a park bench, while you're feeding squirrels. Not mine. A little tip for you, if you're feeding squirrels in diapers, and you like to eat the nuts as much as the squirrels do, use almonds instead of peanuts because they pass through easier. You can just reuse them. Just pick 'em out. The squirrels don't mind. Oh yeah, right, like you've never done that. Maybe you could dramatize this example in a clever commercial featuring a talking squirrel, you know like the Bud frogs, and then run it during the Super Bowl. I’ve heard that people eat a lot of nuts when they watch the Super Bowl.

There are lots of reasons to wear adult diapers. You know when you're dating some pretty girl, but she or a federal judge or her father told you to stay away (I think the judge actually used the words "cease and desist")? You know how you have to wait in the bushes for her to come home? Doesn't hiding like that make you have to pee really bad? I used to hate that. Not anymore. No siree, I can stay in those bushes from the time she comes home, to the time she goes to sleep. Sometimes we watch Seinfeld reruns together. I can't hear the words through the living room window (damn that double-paned glass), but Kramer is still funny, even without sound. I love that show. What a bunch of losers.

And another thing, I don't have to waste time on silly things like washing my underwear. You might find more uses than I'm thinking of right now. Like, the other day, a Jehovah's Witness came to my door, looking for donations of food. I said, "wait one second, I'll give you a bag filled with Almond Joy. I know how much Jehovah likes that."

I hope this letter is useful to you. I think it is filled with many tips that might one day be proven to save lives or even be used to find uranium underneath the surface of Jupiter.

Good luck!

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Proof #2 That George W. Bush is a Monkey

George W. Bush pronounces "Abu Ghraib" as "Aboo gooboo." Most primates who say "aboo gooboo," repeatedly are either monkeys or characters in a George Lucas film. George W. Bush is not a character in a George Lucas film, therefore he is a monkey.

Let's Go To Bed

In a recent Variety article on the planned Marlene Dietrich star vehicle for Gwyneth Paltrow, Dietrich's grandson Peter Riva was quoted us saying about his grandmother:

"When she realized that age caught up to her at 76, she made sure that she did not undermine her memory by being seen getting old. She stayed in bed for her final 11 years."

That's over 12% of her entire life. That would be like me spending my entire college years in bed (which is arguably a better use of the time than I made of it).

I think a lot of people could learn from her example. So here's a list of people I'd like to send to bed for the rest of their lives because they've already moved passed their freshness date (you know, so they "don't undermine their memory" or in laymen terms, "stop embarrassing themselves"):

* Joan Rivers and her defective DNA replicant
* Robert Plant
* The fat old femme guy on Trading Spaces
* 40 somethings who still play air guitar
* 30 somethings who still dance the running man
* 20 somethings who talk like eminem
* Bill Walton
* Men with dyed hair
* Hall and especially Oates
* Quebec
* The British Royal Family
* Simon Le Bon

Mission Accomplished: The Question is, Whose?

A report from the uber-hawks over at International Institute of Strategic Studies (IISS) in London indicates that bin Laden's al Qaeda has grown to 18,000 adherents worldwide. It seems that the war in Iraq, far from helping to squash terrorism, has become the raison d’etre for every fundamentalist wacko in the known universe. Nice work, Bushies.

ClearPlay: Hand Sanitizer for Your DVD Collection

Shirking their parental duties and letting others take the responsibility for raising their children, America’s caring nurturers are shelling out $1.50 a pop to be told what is worthwhile and wholesome entertainment and what is mind-corrupting drivel. Knowing how words like “penis” and “oh my God,” can turn children into serial murderers, a company in Utah called ClearPlay has invented a filter for your DVDs to weed out the malevolent influences in your entertainment library. Phew! I can stop worrying about the spread of ritualized Satanic abuse perpetrated by those evil Hollywood lefties.

(Isn’t that an idea that had to be born in Utah?)

This from the New York Times:

* * *

Pervading the editing is an infuriating literal-mindedness, a squeamishness about sex and language but an astonishing indifference to violence, destruction and pain. In "Terminator 3," for example, a man learning that he has unwittingly triggered the annihilation of mankind is not allowed to say "Dear God" - but you won't miss a frame of the movie's hyperviolent fight sequences. (In one of them, the Terminator smashes a urinal on his cyber-opponent's head and shoves her head into a toilet; she slams him through a marble wall, hurls him across the room using his groin as a handle, and blasts his face with a flamethrower.)

* * *

But as it is, the evidence suggests that ClearPlay's technology is not intended for families at all. It's for like-minded adults, specifically those who are offended by bad language and sexual situations but don't mind brutality, destruction and suffering.

Maybe every ClearPlay-sanitized movie ought to begin with a message: "This film has been modified as follows: It has been formatted to fit the taste, sensibilities and religious beliefs of a couple of guys in Utah. That'll be $1.50."

Get the whole story (free registration required).

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Proof #1 That George W. Bush is a Monkey

All monkeys have big ears. George W. Bush has big ears. Therefore, George W. Bush has a necessary quality to be a monkey.

Where is Pauly Shore?

Has anyone seen Pauly Shore since his amazing turn as “The Man in the Trunk,” in D.J. Pooh’s movie “The Wash?” “The Wash,” was filmed long before the last election... Has anyone ever seen George W. Bush and Pauly Shore at the same state functions? They are both quite monkey-like, no? Could it be they are the same person?

Is Meryl Streep Going to Die?

I suppose we will all die some day, but how old should a person be in order to win a lifetime achievement award from the AFI? She’s only 54. Do they know something we don’t know? Should someone warn Meryl Streep of her impending mortal doom?

Other honourees for lifetime achievement from the AFI include Barbara Stanwyck, Jack Lemmon, Gregory Peck, Kirk Douglas, Sidney Poitier, Elizabeth Taylor, Jack Nicholson, Steven Spielberg, Clint Eastwood, Dustin Hoffman, Harrison Ford, Barbra Streisand and last year's winner, Robert De Niro. All of whom – if I’m not mistaken – are very very dead.

Bush Surprised That Poor Performance on the Job Results in Poor Performance in the Polls

Bush’s job approval ratings are slipping. Again. The latest ABC News/Washington Post poll indicates that only 47 percent of people with enough free time on their hands to take polls approve of his job performance. That is down from 51 percent last month and 58 percent in January.

What a surprise to everyone involved that being an inarticulate monkey on the job results in poor poll results.

NBC's Joey: How and when will it jump the shark?

NBC’s “Friends” spin-off, “Joey,” has yet to air and yet I’m already wondering how and when will it jump the shark? Some might argue the show will premiere post-shark since it's a show about two New Yorkers moving to California. (Wasn't that the Laverne and Shirley shark-jumping MO?) Not to mention they're taking the least liked, least funny Friend and will focus 23 minutes a week on the inane details of his ape-like existence (anyone remember when they spun off “Fish,” from “Barney Miller,” or recall “The Roepers,” laugh-fest?) I still see plenty of sharks in Joey’s future:

* Matt LeBlanc will unexpectedly move to Quebec in the third season and be replaced by a new Joey played by Emmanuel Lewis
* Joey will give birth to twins in the fourth season and not know who the real father is
* Joey will finally go through puberty in the final thirteenth season and put out a “musical” CD filled with “songs,” and other “entertainment.”
* In the fifth season, Joey will move to Massachusetts and marry Ted McGinley
* Joey will finally be broadcast in “living Technocolor” in year six

News Flash: George W. Bush is Still an Inarticulate Monkey

The primary lesson learned from George Bush’s latest address on Iraq: there are more ways to pronounce Abu Ghraib than to lie to the U.N.

More Bush Address Snark

Krispy Kreme Goes on the Atkins Diet

Reuters reports that Krispy Kreme is cutting back its ubiquitous stores in an effort to curb it’s bloatatiousness. Which means I will be the only one on my block without a Krispy Kreme store in my basement. Citing public frenzy for low-carb diets, the doughnut-monger reported it’s first quarterly net loss since it went public. This begs several questions. What kind of diet plan were all these doughnut-wolfers on prior to Atkins where deep fried dough covered in gooey sugar syrup was perfectly acceptable? And, why are doughnuts out but steaming big platters of boiled pork bellies are in? Thank you Dr. Atkins, you were truly a responsible public servant.

Get the Kremey Details Here

Bruckheimer Says, “King Arthur is just Smurfy”

According to Business Week Online, Jerry Bruckheimer, the evil mastermind behind such literary cinema delights as “Armageddon,” and “Pearl Harbor,” will bring the full force of his genius to the legend of King Arthur. Promising a “whole fresh approach,” as opposed to the half-baked and stale approach he usually executes, Bruckheimer will pack his version with innovations such as a sword-wielding Guinevere and a Smurf-like Merlin. According to Bruckheimer, also a renowned expert on the origins of Anglo-Saxon civilization, “Merlin wasn’t a magician, although he was painted blue...”

Sir Thomas Malory could not be reached for comment, as he has been dead for six centuries.

Bruckheimer's Interview with Business Week

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