Who Wants Dick in Jail?

With a grand jury indictment in Southern Texas for "profiteering from depriving human beings of their liberty," Dick Cheney has a chance, if a judge doesn't dismiss the charges, of going to jail for his partial ownership of a private prison company. We ask, who benefits from this?

• His cell mate. Despite being from the ranch country of Wyoming, years of government service and living the cushy CEO life has turned the once tough Cheney into a deliciously soft and physically weak plaything. Without his secret service detail or hardened BlackWater operatives to protect him, Cheney is like a big, warm, soft marshmallow for the taking. Just don't startle him when you slide over to his bunk, because he's got a weak ticker.
• Disgruntled employees at The Vanguard Group. "Now we can give him a taste of his own medicine," one Vanguard prison guard, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said. "Let's see how he likes not getting fish sticks on Friday because of 'budget cuts' or having to work on Christmas Day."
• The world. Knowing that Dick Cheney is quietly writing his memoirs behind bars instead of plotting evil in an undisclosed command center will allow the whole world to breathe a sigh of relief.

When asked about his indictment, he was heard to curse then say, "Who's a guy gotta shoot in the face to get outta this mess?"

A Mouthful from Sergio

The CEO of Fiat SpA, Sergio Marchionne, may not have realized that he said the most profound truth so far in our world-wide financial crisis when he said, "Either (aid) is for everyone or for no one." Bailing out a targeted business sector or a handful of institutions is not going resolve the issue.

Of course, the journalists who reported this quote failed to include that it was in reference to him asking his Nonna Sophia to pass the rigatoni during Sunday dinner.

"Hey, nonna! Che cosa? Why you no passa the rigatoni? I'm a growing boy. I've gotta the car company to run. Either you passa the rigatoni around to everyone, or you no passa to anyone."

Not Another Czar!

An Obama aide said Thursday that the president-elect is weighing the idea of assigning czar to help return the distressed auto industry to health.

Hey, present and upcoming politicians, know what would return the auto industry to good health? Give bailout money to Americans, so they can go buy a car.

Stop throwing money at failed corporations that have proven they can't manage it (AIG, Amex, Bear Sterns).

Besides, what would another czar do other than give us a stylish beard or invent new methods for livestock fornication?

Post-election Headlines

California -- With the national elections over, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi turned her attention to her home state. There, she hopes to get legislation passed broadening the definition of marriage to include, "...between a man and the consenting barnyard animal of his choice."

Maryland -- Vice president-elect Joseph Biden was rushed to the naval hospital in Bethesda, Wednesday, for dog bite wounds and burns. "He set his hellhounds on me," the Pennsylvania politician said as his gurney was wheeled into the emergency room, referring to the 3-headed, sulfur-born Rottweiler Dick Cheney summoned to guard the vice presidential bunker from "those dirty Dems.".

Washington, DC -- George Bush completed and mailed-in the formal paperwork nominating himself for a Nobel Peace Prize, despite a standing reply to "don't even bother" from the board of the Geneva-based foundation.

Waco -- Thousands of stunned Texans gathered in the streets the day after the presidential election, anticipating the advent of End Times with their immediate rapture. By the end of the day, sunburned and dehydrated, they were still standing there.

London -- Frustrated by going two months without being in the news, author JK Rowling shocks fans around the world by announcing that her character Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper, is transgendered and will pursue a sex change in the epilogic book she's writing titled, "Rubeus Hagrid and the Snip-Snip Tuck Unders."

A collective sigh of relief