Friday, April 04, 2008

Tanzania Losing Coveted Albino Tourist Revenues

Tourists lacking skin pigmentation are avoiding the African country of Tanzania, primarily because witch doctors there are killing albinos to use their body parts for "prosperity spells". It's true. Instead, albinos are taking their much-coveted tourist money to neighboring Mozambique, where they are better appreciated and not murdered.

"My clients prefer to vacation places where they won't be dismemebered, " says albino travel agent, Whitey Sunfry, of Whitey's Tours and Shady Safaris. "Mozambique is perfect. Lots of shade trees, and only the virgins have to be afraid of witch doctors, 'cause they promote virgin rape to cure AIDS."

Other destinations Mr. Sunfry steers albino clients away from when scheduling travel:
  • Death Valley - because there's no shade.
  • The Antarctic - because in all that snow it's too hard to find the albinos who get separated from their tour group.
  • Armenia - but only when Cher is visiting her castle there. She likes to bathe in their pale blood to retain her youth.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Oprah Confuses Media by Calling Pregnant Woman "Man"

A pregnant woman who has had cosmetic surgery and is getting hormone treatment shows up on Oprah's TV show and turns the media world topsy turvy by calling her pregnancy a miracle. They're so worried about being PC, they refer to this woman as "him", and the headlines even refer to her as a man.

Don't get me wrong. We at Turner/Phelps are down with transgenderosity. Finding out who's really inside you is very important to us. In fact, our very own Mitch, who was born a boy, had his sex changed to female when he turned eighteen, and then turned back again just before he turned nineteen (after he realized he wasn't a woman trapped in a man's body). Of course, the scars are hideous to look at when he's changing in the locker room, but that doesn't prevent us from supporting his decisions wholeheartedly. For those ten and a half months, we referred to Mitch in the feminine and even changed the name on his parking spot to Mildred at his request.

So get this straight, Oprah and all you spineless news media editors. Just because the woman is in the process of becoming a man, if she has stopped and kept her reproductive organs, she's still a woman. I want to be a member of the Colorado senate one day, but you shouldn't call me senator and start stuffing money in my coat pockets until I actually steal the election.

I mean win the election. The pregnant woman who looks like a man because she has short hair and some whispy testosterone-produced facial hair is just a woman, even though she had her breats removed. Don't call her "he" until she's a man, no matter how much she wants to be a man who can give birth to babies.

The state of Oregon considers her a man and she is legally married to her wife. Oregon is wrong and has missed a tremendous opportunity to use this to promote the same sex marriage debate.

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