Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Limbaugh's Limp Lizard

Conservative radio's talking head doesn't have a problem in the bedroom, it's his pet iguana, Al, with the issues "down there."

Confusion over a bottle of prescription pills with his doctor's name on it that were caught and confiscated in airport security, has the media in a tizzy about Rush breakin' the rules again. But this time (like last time) the blusteringly lovable Limbaugh is totally innocent.

Here's the story: Last week he went to his vet concerned about his pet male iguana's lackluster attitude and disinterest in his female iguana, Hillary. "Al's not humping Hillary the way he used to," Rush explained. The vet examined the lizard and found that the animal's electrolytes were low, which could be easily treated. Iguana electrolytes, or eReptile hormone as they're commonly known, are managed with the same chemicals found in Viagra. Rush, consummate law-abiding citizen, explained that due to a recent court order and his public position as the virile voice of the right, it wouldn't look right if he was seen buying Viagra. The vet filled the prescription himself and gave Rush the bottle.

This has all been just a simple misunderstanding over Rush having a case of eReptile dysfunction.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Bush Doesn't Like Premature Withdrawal

The President is going to have to up the ante and roll-out his withdrawal plan ahead of schedule (that is, ahead of the critical three weeks before the November elections when voters are most tuned-in), because his commander-in-charge, general Casey, just announced that he is going to begin a troop reduction.

If Casey beats Bush to the punch and begins pulling out troops before Bush can stand up in front of a Daughters of the Confederacy fund-raising luncheon and announce that he has ordered those troop withdrawals, he'll lose political capital and look like a fool.

Oops, too late.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Homestarrunner Missing: Strongbad Top Suspect Based on Threatening Emails

So the brothers Chaps are either on a very long vacation (over 30 days and counting), they've given up the site, or they're trapped beneath a gigantic stack of emails and have been subsisting on a diet of PG-friendly jokes and colorful Flash movieclips for the past month.

Somebody go look for them! Don't forget to check their basement.

Come back, guys. You can't possibly be hurting for dough. Just last week when I was shopping for groceries I parked my Subaru with the Strongbad static-cling sticker in the back next to another Subaru with a Homestar static-cling sticker in the back. Sure, Colorado is the land of Subarus, but for two to have HR stickers in the windows? Next to each other? Same make and model? You must be rolling in product sales to have that kind of coverage.

Bush Speechwriter Latest Rat to Jump Ship

Bush senior advisor Michael "Gersie" Gerson, resigned his position this week. Rather than walking out the side door like Andy Card and Scott McClellan before him, Gerson, who had his own office in the West Wing complete with Bowflex and fully-equipped bathroom, decided to flush himself down his own toilet to join his fellow propagandists in the sewers of DC.

Along with the optimistically vague "compassionate conservative" and famously innacurate "axis of evil" contributions he made to Bush's lexicon of public comments, Gerson left nothing else behind but a fine fecal mist.

I will remember Gersie as the skid mark he was on the porcelain bowl of American history.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Preppin' for the 'Nide

City fathers in New York are up in arms over reports that Al-Qaida terrorists are plotting to kill thousands of NYers by releasing cyanide gas in the subways.

People, puhlease. Tom Ridge already covered this scenario, among others, in his address to the nation that was later published in handbook form called, "The Common Man's Basic Preparation for All Things Terrorble."

Remember the "sheets of plastic and duct tape?" If you had paid attention and did what the Ridgester ordered, you'd have all the protection you need from a cyanide gas attack just sitting on a shelf in your basement.

After you pay your token but before you get on the train, just wrap your head in plastic and secure it in place with a swath of duct tape around your neck. No worries.

Oh, yeah, don't forget to take a deep breath before the plastic goes on.

Thanks for the helpful advice, Mr. Ridge.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Al-Qaida Surprises White House with al-Zarqawi Replacement

Al-Qaida in Iraq announced in a Web statement posted today that a militant named Abu Hamza al-Muhajer was the group's new leader, succeeding the recently killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, who was killed by a U.S. airstrike northeast of Baghdad. The announcement prompted strong comments from the White House, which was taken off guard by the move:

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Ready for the Rapture?

Like the Doomsday Clock devised by the bulletin of atomic scientists, which describes how dangerously close we come to nuclear annihilation, this cool "Rapture Index" web site tells us when we're on the verge of a "Revelations" ending. It says that prophetic activity is high today.

Tracking the Rapture Index:

85 and Below: Slow prophetic activity
85 - 110: Moderate prophetic activity
110 - 145: Heavy prophetic activity
Above 145: Fasten your seat belts

Police find 9 severed heads in Iraq

In a related story, the Harlem Globetrotters, en route to Najiff, Iraq, for a USO Tour appearance, have been missing for six days.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Canadian terror probe expands to 7 nations

(New York) UN representatives from seven nations, and their attachés, complained that they didn't expect the Canadian probe they were approving would involve having action figures of famous Canadians inserted rectally.

"Nobody told me I was volunteering for a ten inch Celine Dion doll high colonic," argued Benjamin Corblum, Isreal's UN Ambassador. "And I wasn't expecting to get the William Shatner express," commiserated Dolph Hejtmanek, attaché to the Luxembourg ambassador.

Other nations participating in the "terror probe" included Germany, Sri Lanka, Bolivia, Mongolia, and The Netherlands. Curiously, despite extensive probing, the Germans had no immediate complaints.

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