Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Phelps Swims Ionian Sea, Sharks Flee Smell of Feta

Ya sas! Greetings from Patras, Greece! Only 30 minutes time on the internet access card I purchased from the hotel for 10 euro ($14) most of which will be spent figuring out the keyboard and menu. What a wonderful country! The food, the beautiful landscape, the antiquity, the beautiful people... and talk about a wonderful beach, the rocky shore is softened by a thick layer of cigarette butts.

AAGH! The sound of the access card expiring is excrutiating! Has it been thirty minutes already? Serves me right for taking a detour from the blog to find the URL to our hotel's website. It looks very much like this, if you add stacks of ashtrays on every flat surface, the donkey tied to a bush outside my hotel window, and surly-looking men in sweat-stained polyester short-sleeved shirts who may be security, local mob capos, or the guy who rents you towels by the pool.

Don't ever ever try to drive a car here. It's not only the alphabet that's mind-bogglingly different. When driving, two lanes means four lanes (highway shoulders are used liberally); when paying for a taxi, twenty euros on the meter means the cabbie will ask for thirtytwo; and a red light means stop if there's a police office standing in the intersection, otherwise just force your way into the traffic and ignore the honking and obscenities thrown your way.

Here's a depiction of me punching out the taxi driver for charging us 250 euro for the ride from Athens to Patras, which should have cost 150 euro. Bastard.

Oh, yeah. The Greek language is actually heavier than other languages. Just learning three words in Greek has totally wiped out three months of Italian vocabulary. So I'll be totally useless in Asiago, next week.

Ya sas = hello parakalos = please & you're welcome efkhareesto = thanks

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

G-o-T Pulls a Lebanon on Hezbollah-like Bladder

(Originally meant for posting 08/02/06)

Turner and the God of Thunder have something else in common besides dangerous good looks and haute couture. The God of Thunder grew tired of the frequent attacks on his promised land by bile insurgents and stone-passing terrorists hiding among the civilian population in Gallbladderovia. So he took action last week in the form of an all out laproscopic war.

He annihilated the militia. Sadly, Gallbladderovia is gone, but the region as a whole is much more stable and secure than it was before.

As for Phelps, all organs are in place and working swimmingly. Genetic superiority? you ask. Perhaps. Or maybe just less gin and scotch than the other contributors over the collective years.

The wreckage.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Come for the Anne Frank Franks, Stay for the Blitzkreig Blintzes

A Hitler-themed restaurant in Mumbai, India, is drawing fire from India's small Jewish community. Sure, there's a pun in there somewhere. Talk about a restaurant theme in really bad taste.

Be sure to get extra saurkraut and mustard on the Anne Frank franks (60,000 rupees). Here are some other menu items worth trying:

Rommel's Braised Desert Fox
with Paneer Sang (80,000 rupees)

Lebensraum Nan appetizer
(7,000 rupees)

And for dessert, you've got to try the house specialty:

Final Solution gulab jamun
(40,000 rupees)

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Hell Prepares New Level for JonBenet's Killer

"Ve vill have zee sex vit him, zen ve vill keel him," the Consular Spokesman for Hades stated today, doing a poor imitation of Seargent Schulz during his universal announcement that Hell has decided to construct a new level just for JonBenet Ramsey's confessed rapist/killer, John Mark Karr.

"When I say we will have sex with him, I mean all of us, the hoary hosts, the entire population of the underworld," the spkoesman clarified. "Each of us will get to use our imagination in the manner in which we have sex with him as well as the instrument and method of his demise. After which, we will bring him back to life and let the next one in line have a go at him. For example, Golbar Pusboil the Vicious has already called dibs on transforming into a twelve-hundred pound water buffalo and having sex with Mr. Karr in an asphalt parking lot. If the sex doesn't kill him, Golbar gets to trample him to death on a pile of broken glass. You should see some of the ideas our folks are coming up with for this guy. It almost rivals what we've got in store for Carrot Top."

Level Three and five-eighths, the new level of Hell devoted to Karr's torture, is actually a sub-level that will house other remorseless child killers. "He doesn't deserve his own plane of eternal suffering, like Hitler or Aaron Spelling," the spokesman noted, "but he prompted us to re-evaluate our current structure and to add this ranch-style layer for his ilk."

When asked when the new construction will be ready, the spokesman said, "Oh, it will be ready. Our sources tell us Mr. Karr is currently battling with HIV he contracted in Thailand. That news prompted him to turn himself in so he could get free treatment in the Colorado prison system, which means he'll live a long time."

"Barring any unforeseen event, like a fellow inmate bludgeoning him to death at eleven PM on May 12, 2007, just after lights-out, we think we have enough time to prepare this new level. It's not like we're building Disneyland, you know," the diabolical spokesman joked, "but it is going to be more fun."

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

What's Wrong With America?

America the beautiful is like a well brushed, dutifully flossed, and rigorously gargled tooth. She's porcelain white and perfectly shaped, and yet beneath that flawless enamel there is an abscess festering. We have felt the first warning pangs when the cold water hits, and they're growing more frequent. I see it in our culture, our attitudes, our outlook toward our neighbors, and deep within each of us, eating away at the roots of our dignity and self worth.

I saw it this morning driving to work. It didn't seem like much at first, but as the day wore on and the image gnawed inside my gut, I decided to return to the intersection with my camera, so I could share it with you. Blame it on our lacking work ethic, or on the mayor of Colorado Springs, or on the collapse of traditional family values, or on the prevalence of right-wing fundamentalism. I'll let the image speak for itself.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Do You Need a New Best Friend?

Good lord.

Out of Ideas, Phelps Relies on WebCam

Disgusted by the latest news from Iraq and the not-so-ceased fire in Southern Lebanon, I just couldn't think of anything funny today -- although the thought of dozens of paparazzi hovering around Boy George as he earns his court-orderd humilty sweeping the streets of NY is uniquely absurd, if a little cliché -- I decided to play with my webcam.

Journalists need to practice their vowels and use words that properly describe the military's criminal shortcomings in Iraq:

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Drunk, Drip, Disarm

Robin Williams enters rehab, Lieberman sludges over to the independent ticket, and Scotland Yard thwarts a terrorist plot involving explosive drinks smuggled onto airplanes in carry-ons.


I think not. This is obviously a conspiracy by the solid foods conglomerate, Dryisgood Omnimedia, to give the Fluid and Liquid American Beverage Council a black eye. Everybody knows that the relationship between the two consumer giants has been strained since the advent of liquid diets, and more recently the "power" drinks that have flooded the market. The solids cooperative wants people to be wary of liquids. Even a tiny doubt, or for example, choosing a bag of peanuts for the plane trip versus a Diet Coke, could equate to huge profits for Dryisgood Omnimedia.
Stay vigilant, America. All things are connected.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Lieberman Lingers after Lamont

He's vowing to run as an independent.
What else is the guy gonna do? He's a career politician. The only other thing he's good at is sagging like a bassett hound.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Killbot Details Not Funny Enough for Leno, Letterman

What, no Jay Leno monologues, no Dave Letterman Top Ten lists, no Craig Kilborne -- whatever Craig Kilborne does? Surely their writers can make as much of a joke about this as they did about a forty-something pop star pedophile. They skewer the rest of the headlines, why not this one? Here, we can help:

Possible Jay monologue joke:
Ya gotta support the troops. Ya gotta support the troops. Those kids can really get stressed when they're manning those checkpoints, believe me, I know. After ten minutes of waiting for my morning coffee, (pause) I'm ready to rape and kill a fourteen year-old.

Late Night zinger:
And the number one thing to do on a hot night in Iraq if you're bored to death...

Something Craig Kilborne's speed:
Craig: Knock, knock.
Audience: WHO'S THERE?
Craig: The US Marines. We're here to rape and kill your daughter.
Applause Sign: LAUGH and CHEER

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Mel Gibson Changes Name to Melvin Goldsteinfarbman, Begs for Crucifixion

In case you weren’t sure if Mel Gibson really was sorry for his anti-Semitic remarks (of course he's not) after two press releases and umptiseventy public apologies, Mel has decided to convert to Judaism, change his name to Melvin Goldsteinfarbman and beg Pontius Pilate to execute him by crucifixion. Can he have his Holocaust minseries back? Will you go see his new end of time Mayan-language musical, Apocalypso now? What if he says "please?"

Come on, Mel, how much money do you need? Retire, go back to the little island you bought last year and dream up all the fantastic conspiracy theories you want. Join the angry bearded minority. Just keep them to yourself next time.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Rumsfeld Hesitant to Testify to Senate about Iraq

At first he said he's too busy to talk to the Senate Arms Committee this week, then after some Democratic senators whined and bitched, Rummy changed his mind. But, I thought he was too busy?

His next step is to temper what he actually says against what he wants to say. That's no small feat for a man of his age and utterly evil arrogance. Here are some examples of him saying one thing and thinking another:

An Open Letter to the Makers of the George Foreman Grill

Dear Lifetime Brands Executives:

Your recent acquisition of Salton, Inc. prompted me to write to you. I approached Salton regarding their George Foreman grill while they faced delisting from the NYSE. Their market cap plummeted to $75 million for one reason and one reason only: everyone in America already owns a George Foreman Grill.

I, being an aforementioned American, also own a GFG. Aside from the fact that the grill really doesn’t resemble George Foreman in the slightest -- my grill is small and white and lacks a sense of humor -- I have few complaints. I pitched an idea to Salton to save them from their revenue troubles, but they ignored me. Maybe you will heed my valuable advice rather than face certain peril. Or you could focus on selling a lot of cool Cuisinarts, but either way I have an idea for your GFG line.

Instead of releasing new grills every two weeks – the George Foreman griddle, the George Foreman Hungry Man Grill, the George Foreman Grill with tortilla-warmer and egg-fryer come to mind – you should concentrate on brand extending add-on products. You sell a razor only once, but if you can keep selling razor blades… I forget how the rest of how that saying goes, but it has something to do with an angry bearded minority. You don’t want an angry bearded minority charging your castle with torches, do you? (Full editorial disclosure: Phelps often wears a beard with a very angry look in his eyes).

So here’s my bold idea: George Foreman Meat Cookies.

George Foreman Meat Cookies would be cute circles of ground beef, frozen and ready to pop on the grill. I would suggest putting them between two buns with lots of ketchup (preferably Fancy), mustard, onions, pickles and more. Perhaps you could even sell a George Foreman Pickle Fork, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

My wife has told me several times, “you jackass, you’re talking about a hamburger -- aren't you late for your AA meeting?” But I don’t think a hamburger has the same pizzazz that a meat cookie does, particularly not a George Foreman Meat Cookie. Why not just call it George Foreman Meat? I think it would be confusing to the cannibals in your target niche (not to mention the angry bearded minority).

I’m not asking for royalties, but I would be interested in a lifetime supply of meat cookies. And a $3 million dollar honorarium. Otherwise, this idea is yours for the taking – my little contribution to making the world a better place.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Mel Gibson Quiz

How well do you know your Mel Gibson trivia?

1. Mel went to college at:
(A) Yale
(B) Harvard
(C) Sydney University
(D) He never finished college, thanks to the Jews.

2. Mel’s favorite family member growing up was:
(A) His father
(B) Uncle Albert
(C) Grandma Gibson
(D) Auntie Semite

3. Mel almost won the Academy Award for what early film:
(A) Gallipoli
(B) Mad Max
(C) The Year of Living Dangerously
(D) He never stood a chance, thanks to Jews like Spielberg and, well he didn’t win for a long time either, but it’s still the Jews fault

4. Why did Mel beat up a breakfast waiter at the Ritz Carlton?
(A) He thought he had asked him, “would you like some orange Jews for breakfast?”
(B) He thought the yellow star fruit on his plate was a Star of David.
(C) He insisted that the lox and bagels were better than the hot-crossed buns.
(D) He thought the waiter had called his homophobic jokes “Jew-venile.”

Bonus trivia: With a personal net worth of $850m, and with Saddam Hussein behind bars, Gibson is now the 36th richest Jew-hater in the world. Congrats, Mel.

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