Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Katrina Rips Flags, Senate Demands Her Arrest

As hurricane Katrina hammered the gulf states, images of her shredding American flags filled conservative members of the U.S. Senate with shock and dismay.
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-TN) took to the floor and demanded action. "We stand on the precipice of moral decay," Sen. Graham bemoaned, "if we allow images like this to be shown on daytime television when sensitive elderly women and impressionable children might be watching! If we allow this sort of disgraceful behavior, what's next? Someone's buttocks might be shown and we know that leads to homosexual behavior, teenagers having sex, smoking crack cocaine, and becoming suicide bombers. My fellow members of the senate, I implore you, we must stand firm on this issue and outlaw such wanton acts of defacing Old Glory."

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Whitehouse Distances Itself from Nutjob Televangelist

8:54 a.m., Overcast and dreary, a pale morning light oozes through the cabinet room's curtains. The security detail leads the Chief into the room. All rise to acknowledge him as he heads for the coffee service.

Dubya: Morning, folks!

All: Good morning, Mr. President.

Dubya: Mmm, pastries!

Krove steps out of the shadows beside the coffee service.

KRove: Mr. President, we have a pressing issue to discuss.

Sec. Gonzales: Madre de Dios! Where did he come from?

Sec. Norton: Brrr... I feel like someone just walked over my grave.

Dubya: Karl, what do they call these here hard biscuits?

KRove: Skones, Mr. President.

Dubya: Skee-owns. Heh, funny name. On the ranch, we call 'em hard tack.

KRove: About this Robertson issue, Mr. President.

Dubya: Oh, yeah. What's all the hullabaloo? I think Pat's on the right track, bein' a Christian and all like me. Donald? What's your take on this? Can you knock off Chavez?

Rummy: The Pentagon doesn't assassinate, sir. I told you that last year when you and Karl were working on your campaign strategy for the election.

Dubya: Right, right. So who does the killing for us?

Rummy: That would be the CIA, sir.

Sec. Gonzales: Ahem... Mr. President. The United States has a policy against assassinating leaders of other countries. It's not in our best interest.

Dubya: Really?

Sec. Gonzales: Yes, sir. It was an executive order signed in the 70s by President Ford.

Dubya: Hmmm. Can we change that?

Sec. Gonzales: We shouldn't, sir.

Dubya: Can't you put one of your patented spins on it, like you did with the torture policy?

Sec. Gonzales: Mr. President -

Sec. Rice: Mr. President, if I may?

Dubya: Go ahead, Condie.

Sec. Rice: Might I suggest that we distance ourselves from Mr. Robertson and his remarks without saying that he was out of line for saying them?

Dubya: Genius. We say that the U.S. is a free country where people can say what they want, but that we don't necessarily agree with his position.

Sec. Rice: Exactly, sir.

Dubya (winks): That's my girl.

Sec. Rice: Thank you, Mr. President. (Giggle)

Sec. Gonzales: But what about the world leaders calling us hypocrites and calling Mr. Robertson's remarks, "terrorist incitement?"

Dubya: Pipe down, Al. You had your chance.

Sec. Gonzales (lowers his head): Yes, Mr. President.

Sec. Rice: Plus, Mr. President, The Right will rally around Robertson's statement and be asking the same about president Chavez. Especially the religious right. There will be plenty of debate in the media about justification for killing him.

Dubya: I see us calling it a "regime change."

Sec. Rice: But, instead of a real assassination, maybe he just needs some character assassination?

KRove: I'll call Rush and O'Reilly and make sure they mention something about Chavez donating money to Osama Bin Laden after 9/11.

Dubya: Always good thinking to tie our political enemies to 9/11. Then, after all this dies down, we'll invite Pat to the Whitehouse for dinner and mend any bruised feelings he and his constiuents might have.

All: Good idea, Mr. President.

Dubya: OK. Let's get out of this dingy office and go for a bike ride!

Security leads the Chief out, followed by the cabinet. KRove disappears in a puff of oily green smoke, leaving behind nothing but the faint odor of sulphur.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Robertson Calls for Chavez Assassination, Jesus Turns Over in Grave

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (AP) - Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson suggested on-air that American operatives assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to stop his country from becoming "a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism."

"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability," Robertson said Monday on the Christian Broadcast Network's "The 700 Club."

Meanwhile, lawyers for CBN and the religious right worked furiously Tuesday to find a loophole in the 6th Commandment to support and lend Christian credibility to Robertson's suggestion.

And CBN marketing executives rolled out a new bumper sticker:

WWJD? Kill Chavez!
- - -
(My sides hurt.)

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Rummy's Subtle Spell

It all begins with a subtle idea implanted in the national psyche: Someone is a threat.

Sure, sometimes we should take heed and do what's in the nation's best interest. But most of the time, we need to be wary of such statements, like today, when Donald Rumsfeld at the Pentagon said that weapons entering Iraq are coming from Iran.

The fact that he didn't provide further specifics leads me to believe that the specifics will be doled-out in small portions over the next several months, probably attached to "reliable intelligence sources" and fueled by news organizations eager to scoop a story.

Next, they'll intensify the message, saying Someone is a threat to us, causing a buzz among the masses and making us worry.

Then they will say Someone is an imminent threat to us. By then we'll be driving ourselves crazy with worry and screaming "Why aren't you doing something about it?"

Finally, they'll have us worked-up into such a frenzy that we'll actually cheer when they say Someone is an imminent threat to us, and something has to be done about it.

And before you know it, we're marching more of our kids off to war.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Robert Novak's Walkout Nothing New

Last week on Crossfire, Robert Novak threw a hissy fit, said it was "bullshit," and walked off the show. According to his second-cousin Rebbecca Feindleberg, that's nothing new for "Bobby My-Ball." During an interview with the 78 year-old Feindleberg, she listed his long history of melodramatically walking away during temper tantrums, of which, these are the highlights:

1941 - Joliet, Illinois - 10 year-old Bobby Novak didn't get picked to play on the same kickball team as his friend Artie, so he screamed, "this game is bull poop!" and walked off the field, taking with him the ball that the other kids wanted to use. He returned the ball later that evening when the other boys had to go home for dinner. That's where he first started getting the nickname, "The Prince of Darkness," which followed him to Washington, D.C.

1949 - University of Illinois - Thinking girls weren't going out with him because he was Jewish (instead of the fact that he was an ugly little troll shooting for a Backelor of Arts degree), Robert went to his synagogue, told his rabbi "this religion is bullshit!" and stomped out of the temple. The following week he became a Roman Catholic and still couldn't get a date to save his life.

1954 - Korean War - While he was serving in the army he was promoted one day from chief warrant officer to lieutenant. Disappointed that he wasn't elevated to the rank of captain, Lt. Novak approached his commanding officer, said, "this war is bullshit!" and marched off, later quitting the service.

1971 - Johnson City, Tx - While visiting his good friend President Johnson at the ranch, several members of the press chided Novak for not being strong enough to lift Johnson's beagel by the ears. Emotionally and physically worn out from the effort (the dog did weigh thirty pounds, after all), Novak shouted "this press corps is bullshit!" kicked the dog, and caught the next plane back to Chicago.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Less Publicized Karl Rove "Indiscretions"

When he's not committing treason, Karl Rove sometimes says too much about other top secret information as well. Things like:

1. KFC helps Rove maintain his oily appearance by bathing in left over chicken fat. How did Rove return the favor? By revealing the existence of a 12th secret ingredient in their buckets of chicken: kangaroo.

2. Jimmy Hoffa's burial place: underneath Donald Trump's "hair."

3. George W. Bush is actually the secret love child of Don Knotts and Koko the sign language gorilla.

4. Tom Cruise isn't completely obsessed with gay wrestling porn -- just the stuff that features hairless midgets.

5. Apparently they get those tiny clipper ships into those little bottles by gluing the bottom of the bottle on afterward, not by hiring magical pixies to sail into the bottle from the land of Winkie.

6. The capitol building used to have a flat roof but it was replaced by a dome to accomodate Ted Kennedy's expanding crainium.

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