Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Whitehouse Distances Itself from Nutjob Televangelist

8:54 a.m., Overcast and dreary, a pale morning light oozes through the cabinet room's curtains. The security detail leads the Chief into the room. All rise to acknowledge him as he heads for the coffee service.

Dubya: Morning, folks!

All: Good morning, Mr. President.

Dubya: Mmm, pastries!

Krove steps out of the shadows beside the coffee service.

KRove: Mr. President, we have a pressing issue to discuss.

Sec. Gonzales: Madre de Dios! Where did he come from?

Sec. Norton: Brrr... I feel like someone just walked over my grave.

Dubya: Karl, what do they call these here hard biscuits?

KRove: Skones, Mr. President.

Dubya: Skee-owns. Heh, funny name. On the ranch, we call 'em hard tack.

KRove: About this Robertson issue, Mr. President.

Dubya: Oh, yeah. What's all the hullabaloo? I think Pat's on the right track, bein' a Christian and all like me. Donald? What's your take on this? Can you knock off Chavez?

Rummy: The Pentagon doesn't assassinate, sir. I told you that last year when you and Karl were working on your campaign strategy for the election.

Dubya: Right, right. So who does the killing for us?

Rummy: That would be the CIA, sir.

Sec. Gonzales: Ahem... Mr. President. The United States has a policy against assassinating leaders of other countries. It's not in our best interest.

Dubya: Really?

Sec. Gonzales: Yes, sir. It was an executive order signed in the 70s by President Ford.

Dubya: Hmmm. Can we change that?

Sec. Gonzales: We shouldn't, sir.

Dubya: Can't you put one of your patented spins on it, like you did with the torture policy?

Sec. Gonzales: Mr. President -

Sec. Rice: Mr. President, if I may?

Dubya: Go ahead, Condie.

Sec. Rice: Might I suggest that we distance ourselves from Mr. Robertson and his remarks without saying that he was out of line for saying them?

Dubya: Genius. We say that the U.S. is a free country where people can say what they want, but that we don't necessarily agree with his position.

Sec. Rice: Exactly, sir.

Dubya (winks): That's my girl.

Sec. Rice: Thank you, Mr. President. (Giggle)

Sec. Gonzales: But what about the world leaders calling us hypocrites and calling Mr. Robertson's remarks, "terrorist incitement?"

Dubya: Pipe down, Al. You had your chance.

Sec. Gonzales (lowers his head): Yes, Mr. President.

Sec. Rice: Plus, Mr. President, The Right will rally around Robertson's statement and be asking the same about president Chavez. Especially the religious right. There will be plenty of debate in the media about justification for killing him.

Dubya: I see us calling it a "regime change."

Sec. Rice: But, instead of a real assassination, maybe he just needs some character assassination?

KRove: I'll call Rush and O'Reilly and make sure they mention something about Chavez donating money to Osama Bin Laden after 9/11.

Dubya: Always good thinking to tie our political enemies to 9/11. Then, after all this dies down, we'll invite Pat to the Whitehouse for dinner and mend any bruised feelings he and his constiuents might have.

All: Good idea, Mr. President.

Dubya: OK. Let's get out of this dingy office and go for a bike ride!

Security leads the Chief out, followed by the cabinet. KRove disappears in a puff of oily green smoke, leaving behind nothing but the faint odor of sulphur.


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