American Legion of the Dead

A horrible national catastrophe was narrowly avoided yesterday during the President's visit with the 2005 Boys and Girls Nation Senators in the East Room of the White House. As he waded into the throng of accomplished high-school students to shake hands and grab ass, it became obvious that they were actually reanimated corpses, aka zombies. The creatures swarmed on the President before his secret service cadre could intervene.

A Whitehouse spokesman said the President greatly resembled John Wayne as he battled with the zombies who were being telepathically controlled by Southern American Legion lobbyist and honorary four-star general, Strom Voldemort-Thurmon.

The President finally subdued the creatures by singing "Kumbaya," which lulled them into a state of unfocused calm. When control of the zombies was wrested from him, Voldemort-Thurman fled the scene, crying out, "My minions! My minions! My lovely minions, gone!" leaving only a pool of slime and the acrid smell of moth balls and stale gin in his wake.

Side note: this is the only photo on record of Strom Voldemort-Thurman, undead necromage, despite his frequent visits to the Capitol, and the rumor that his crypt resides in the basement of the DNC's national headquarters.

Professor Amiel Edelstein of Harvard Unisversity, resident expert on reanimated corpses and frequent consultant to the Larry King Show on CNN, said that what really saved the President was the fact that zombies crave the taste of brains.