Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Bush Scores New Ornament for White House Lawn

The Pentagon delivered it this week...

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Rummy and His Mongol Hoards - I Mean - Horse

The president of Mongolia, Nambaryn Enkhbayar, graciously presented Donald Rumsfeld with a prize Mongolian horse this weekend while Rummy was visiting the Asian country. The gift is customary, and represents the friendship and understanding the people of Mongolia have with the people of the visiting dignitary. After checking it's teeth and commenting on it being shorter than "normal" American horses, Rummy named it "Montana."

While thanking the President for the gift, the Secretary of Defense promptly snatched a decorative sabre from a Mongolian honor guard and hacked the braying beast to death with it, yelling, "How's that, Montana? Like that? Want some more?" Then he poured lighter fluid on the carcass and lit it on fire. Stunned and appalled, members of the Mongolian elite, the news media, the security detail, and President Enkhbayar, were too shocked to do anything but watch the recently mauled animal burn.

The bystanders collectively shrieked when Rummy then tore the Mongolian flag from a nearby flagpole and put the animal out with it. "Smells like Mongolian Bar-B-Que!" he yelled over the angry cries from the crowd.

Finally, he positioned the smoldering carcass of the animal so that it appeared to be praying like a Buddhist monk, causing many Mongolians present to flail themselves and fall to the ground in horror.

Rummy ended his visit with a feigned apologetic shrug, smiled, and waived to the cameras as he climbed aboard Airforce Three and headed for Lithuania.

Later, when asked by the American press corps why he would do such a terribly offensive thing, he furrowed his brow and said, "we need an inquiry into this event. And the Pentagon, which I run, will need to expedite the inquiry before we get too much bad press about it."

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Saddam Requests 3-Month Adjournment

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) - The lawyer for Saddam Hussein said Tuesday he will ask a tribunal for a three-month adjournment of the former Iraqi dictator's trial.

Saddam's lawyers say this adjournment will be, "to help us clean up his image in the media before the trial."

Some of the PR they plan to stage to make him "look better" in the eyes of the Iraqi people and more importantly to the members of the tribunal are:

  • Photos of Saddam kissing babies.
  • A PSA announcement on Baghdad television of Saddam saying "talk to your kids about not smoking."
  • A news story of Saddam helping clean up trash along a local highway.
  • Free T-shirt give away promotion. The shirts show a shrugging Saddam with the words, "What 1982 Massacre? I was in Egypt then!"
  • Billboards across the nation showing a gigantic photo from the Abu Grahib scandal and a quote from Saddam saying, "Even at my worst, I didn't use dogs!"

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

WARNING: Bird Flu Sweeping North America

The U.S. has been caught off guard as Bird Flu sweeps through metropolitan areas like a wildfire, affecting nearly one out of ten citizens.

Independently owned record stores are being hit the hardest along with jumbo media chains, such as MediaPlay and Sam Goody. A spokesman for MediaPlay said Wednesday that Charlie Parker's Greatest Hits had been sold out for days while people infected with "Bird Fever" are queued-up outside waiting for resupply. "The record companies can't send them to us fast enough. They're just flying off the shelves!"

Hit nearly as hard by the fever are the music and musical instrument retail outlets. Bob Tanoki of Big Bob's Beebop Bungalo in Greenwich Village, NY, says it's the best thing that's ever happened to him. "I've sold twenty alto saxes this week and seven tenors! I'm rolling in dough!" When asked about the infected, Bob said, "They've definitely got Bird Flu. Sharp dressers, love the jazz, and talk all the time about heading to Kansas City to find themselves a good swing club."

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Bird Flu in Turkey Proof of God's Sense of Irony

To: Earth (All)
From: The Office of The Almighty

Dear Inhabitants of the Firmament,

The Almighty would like everybody to know that despite the fact that most of you don't believe it, He does in fact have a wicked sense of irony and a fairly dry wit. To prove this to the most cynical of you, he has decided that the first developed country outside of Southeast Asia to report a case of the dreaded Bird Flu will be Turkey.

He would also like you to know that the Canary Islands were his second choice, but "canary" isn't as funny as "turkey" and He's sorry if this has disappointed anybody who had chosen the Canary Islands in the office pool.

Also, He has decided that this coming Friday is "Funny Hat Day," and that everybody can take off work two hours early.

Have a productive week,

El Shaddai
President and COO of EntireUniverse Corp.
Distributed by Gabriel the Annointed

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Bird Flu is the Newest Red Scare

Oh, the Bird Flu is going to get us! Oh, the Bird Flu is going to get us!
In Washington, Associated Press Writer Jennifer Loven "reports" that President Bush, stirring debate on the worrisome possibility of a bird flu pandemic, suggested dispatching American troops to enforce quarantines in any areas with outbreaks of the killer virus.
It doesn't even exist (yet) as a killer virus for humans, and this kind of fear-mongering is being passed off as viable public debate. What's more, the President is trying to use it as an excuse to extend the constitutionally-limited powers of the military, thus extending his own power. Keep trying, George. You'll get that dictatorship before 2008, and definitely before Huga Chavez gets his, I'm sure of it!

I'm no conspiracy theorist (wink, wink) but this sounds scarily Orwellian. Next thing you know they'll pass a law that allows them to monitor which books we check out of the library, under the ruse of making sure no one is out there trying to develop a strain of the bird flu. Oh, wait, they already have that power.

Well, I don't think we have anything to fear. My parrots, cockatoo, and I are safe here in North Ameri - uh...



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