Friday, December 30, 2005

20 Months of Blogs and Still No Guffaws

Well, it's almost time to ring in the new year and start a fresh batch of undercooked muffins we like to call blogs. It's been a good run, these past 20 months. We've had our highs (getting Jackie O to shoot a booger out of her nose) and our lows (mudslinging at President Bush's expense).
But we've always tried to be honest. Operative word there: tried. And we'll continue to try, try with all our might, to bring a little joy and an alternative viewpoint, without being too nasty, too angry at the direction the world is spinning, or too obsessed with celebrity self-obession. Well, you can't really be too obsessed with celebrities. They make our humdrum lives so much more enjoyable and worthwhile with their self mutilation, disposable relationships, and ham-for-the-camera fashionality.

The Big Questions for 2006

Will Gwen Stefani follow suit with the rest of Hollywood and use the birth of her baby as a cover for getting a boob job? Bigger return, no doubt, for Gwen's teenage male fans (and Phelps).

Will President Bush shake things up at the Whitehouse with a reorg? Unlikely. His cadre of yes-men, strong-arms and ass-kissers have served him well, kept his neo-con agenda on track, and spun a web of deceit too sticky for anyone to escape, short of having a massive stroke (Cheney, May '06) or a sex-change operation (Rumsfeld, Aug. '07).

Will Dave Navarro's face actually collapse under the weight of his make-up in his attempt to wear more cosmetics than his wife, Carmen Electra? Hopefully.

Will the government-prescribed teaching of Intelligent Design gain a foothold across America and cement our position as "Most idiotic of industrialized nations"? Probably. It's hard to imagine us not already having that statuette on our mantel (damn you, Kerblekistan!)

Friday, December 16, 2005

Senate Blocks Patriot Act Extension, Founding Fathers Stop Rolling Over in Graves

With the exception of a handful of Eastern-bloc immigrants who like living under the shadow of Big Brother, America breathed a collective sigh of relief today as the Senate refused to reauthorize major portions of the USA Patriot Act.

What's first on the agenda for all those people who've been watching their P's and Q's for the past four years? Talking about current events on the phone, without fear of investigation or reprisal. What's second? Checking out "Catcher in the Rye" from the public library without getting red-flagged by the FBI.

Of course, the expiration of the Patriot Act won't prevent the Bush Administration from illegally using the NSA to eavesdrop on innocent Americans' phone conversations or intercepting email messages, if what the New York Times reported this week is true. That's the President's prerogative, according to the White House, to spy on the people he serves in the name of national security and the "war" on terror.

Ben, Thomas, John, Andrew and George, you may go back to spinning in your graves.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Aragorn Spanks Dubya for His Hypocrisy

In her gossip column for MSNBC, Jeanette Walls reports that "Viggo Mortensen blasts President Bush."

“I’m not anti-Bush; I’m anti-Bush behavior,” Mortensen told Progressive magazine. “In other words, I’m against cheating, greed, cruelty, racism, imperialism, religious fundamentalism, treason, and the seemingly limitless capacity for hypocrisy shown by Bush and his administration.”

As he became more passionate during the interview, Viggo stood on his chair and broke into high elvish:

Ai! laurië lantar lassi súrinen,
Yéni únótimë ve rámar aldaron!
Yéni ve lintë yuldar avánier mi
oromardi lisse-miruvóreva
Andúnë pella, Vardo tellumar
nu luini yassen tintilar i eleni
ómaryo airetári-lírinen.

Then he pulled out the sword that he was hiding beneath his Armani suit jacket and drove it through the magazine interviewer's intern, Max.

True renaissance man that he is, Viggo revealed the blank canvas, easel, brushes, and oil paints he had in his briefcase and promptly painted the entire scene in the style of Raffael, composing an original poem as he cried over the intern's body. Awestruck by his raw talent and emotion, the interviewer gave Viggo all of his money, hurried him away in a taxi, and told the police when they arrived that Max had accidentally fallen on the sword during a coffee break.

Don't you wish you had a little Viggo Mortensen in you?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Spiro Cheney?

President Ford's hospitalization this week got me thinking about the events that lead to him becoming vice president, and ultimately president.

Did you know that Spiro Agnew, Ford's predecessor as VP, resigned from office under a cloud of suspicion and accusation? There was some speculation (by Agnew) that Nixon leaked the information about Agnew taking bribes when he was governor because Nixon was eager to turn the Watergate spotlight away from himself. That got me thinking...

Wouldn't it be great if the White House totally turned on itself, and like wolves starving in a pit, began to devour each other? It would make great Hollywood. Hell, it would make great history. I envision Bush leaking negative info about Cheney's energy policy and Halliburton connections to divert attention from himself; Cheney leaking negative stuff about Bush's past drug use to save his own neck; and both of them leaking info about Rumsfeld "massaging" pre-war intelligence on Iraq to further divert the public's attention. You know they're thinking about it. And if they aren't thinking about it, then their chiefs-of-staff are just to create some safety net for their own political careers.

Oh, what a glorious day that would be!

If anything, Cheney might resign in disgrace. Hey, if it was good enough for Spiro Agnew, it's good enough for Dick.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Pryor's Flame Snuffed Out

An entertainment legend left us this weekend. He died of a heart attack Saturday at the age of 65. He helped shape my sense of humor and helped me see the world through a comedian's eyes, with just a hint of cynicism.

5 Things I Learned from Richard Pryor:
  1. It was possible to upstage Jackie Gleason.
  2. If people ever make jokes about your own stupidity,like catching youself on fire while smoking heroin, laugh along with them.
  3. If you're not a runner, but you try to be one to impress a woman, expect your runny nose to blow snot all over your face.
  4. You can make millions by playing the same part in the same movie over and over and over, as long as you do it with Gene Wilder.
  5. The world is unfair, so all you can do is live with it and laugh at it.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

U.S. Life Expectancy Skyrockets, Iraqi Plummets

A government report released this week noted that the average life expectancy for Americans reached an all-time high, at 77.6 years. Buried deep in the report, and much less publicized, is the fact that in the last two years the average lifespan for an Iraqi has plummeted far below the norm.

The report breaks down who is at the highest risk, with "people applying to become police officers" at the top. Top 5 activities in Iraq that significantly reduce life expectancy:
  1. Applying to become a police officer.
  2. Giving driving directions to anyone who might possibly be Western.
  3. Going to the market to buy food.
  4. Riding the bus.
  5. Legally representing anyone in Saddam Hussein's trial.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

A Fox and her Friends

Fox & Friends, the Fox "News" morning show, hammers another nail in the coffin of Fox's assertion that they are a fair and balanced news organization. I watch this show, not because I like to torture myself with their inane banter, but because the gym where I work-out in the mornings is spitting distance from the the world headquarters of the ultra-conservative Focus on the Family organization. And they have the TV in front of the stationary bike I like to ride for my daily dose of cardio tuned to this idiotic station.

For those who don't know what "Fox & Friends" is, it's one of those coffee-sipping, pseudo-improvisational morning shows where they sometimes read the news, sometimes have guests, and sometimes make total asses of themselves commenting off-the-cuff on news of the day (to generate morning television's much sought-after "banter ratings"). Three co-hosts face the camera: the Fox is E.D. Hill, always sitting in the center, wearing a very short skirt that makes the average straight male pray she'll shift a little and show him a glimpse of heaven; the Friends is co-host Steve Doocy; and the ampersand (&) is the mildly retarded Brian Kilmeade. What makes me think he's mildly retarded? One statement he made Monday morning that provoked this blog. They were talking about the upcoming theatrical release of Peter Jackson's "King Kong." They didn't mention the grandiose scale of the special effects, they didn't mention the caliber of talent in front of and behind the camera, no, all they cared about was that it is three hours long. Kilmeade (and Doocy) both lamented about how difficult it would be to sit through a 3-hour movie. What's the matter, guys, do you have bladder control issues? Kilmeade went so far as to say it can't be a good movie if it's that long, and he's not going to see it. Hasn't this idiot ever heard of a long movie that was also good? How about "Lawrence of Arabia?" It weighed-in at 3 hours and 26 minutes and won seven Academy Awards. Or "The Godfather" which was only 5-minutes shy of 3 hours long, and won 3 Academy Awards!

Here's the clincher on why I think "Fox & Friends" is a piece of shit. Mancow.

Yes, the syndicated radio schlock jerk. "Fox & Friends" uses him to degrade and insult any liberal or centrist viewers who call in. Where the fairness goes away is that they allow the caller to speak first and ask their question, then they let Mancow respond. Invariably, he calls the viewer stupid, uneducated or unpatriotic, and proceeds to tear-apart their question or reasoning without giving them the opportunity to rebut.

If you want real news in the morning as you get ready for work (or while you're working off that pizza and two beers from the night before), a little eye-candy, and some friendly and fun banter that doesn't impune anyone's opinion, watch "Robin & Company" with Robin Meade, on Headline News. They actually give us the news without opinion.

Friday, December 02, 2005

The Absence of Mitch Explained

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