Friday, March 31, 2006

Condie Quotes

She said it, not us.

BLACKBURN, England (AP) - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice conceded Friday that the United States probably has made thousands of "tactical errors" in Iraq and elsewhere, but said it will be judged by its larger aims of peace and democracy in the Middle East.
The U.S. diplomat met loud anti-war protests in the streets and skeptical questions about U.S. involvement in Iraq at a foreign policy salon Friday, including one about whether Washington had learned from its "mistakes over the past three years."
Rice replied that leaders would be "brain-dead" if they did not absorb the lessons of their times.
"I know we've made tactical errors, thousands of them I'm sure," Rice told an audience gathered by the British foreign policy think tank Chatham House. "But when you look back in history, what will be judged will be, did you make the right strategic decisions."

Don't F*@K With Bush

Jesus punished Iran this week with rain and severe earthquakes for not showing due respect to his chosen country, the United States of America and his favorite president, George Bush. In what His press secretary called, "a visitation of divine ass-kicking," the Savior opened the heavens and shook the firmament, killing over sixty people, in response to Iran's refusal to stop uranium enrichment, an act the Bush administration asserts to be an attempt to build nuclear weapons.

"Jesus!" Jesus said during an appearance on Larry King Live, Friday, "I didn't throw Satan out of heaven in 1914 so I could deal with this crap, now. Hasn't everyone figured out that I stand behind the U.S. and it's politicians? Has no one read the bumper sticker on the back of my Escalade? It says, 'God Bless America.' It doesn't say anything about Iran."

Larry asked Christ if killing sixty people was in line with his policy of being a merciful, loving God.

"Of course I love the world, Larry. Like the song says, I love all the little children. But Iran has been a thorn in my forehead since the Seventies. What can I say? I'm fed up. I'm fed up with their attitude, their arrogance, and the way they constantly test my patience when it comes to cow-towing to U.S. policy. If they don't straighten up soon, I'm going to reach down deep into my bag of tricks and show them a little retribution we call 'Old School' smiting. Next time it won't be a few earthquakes or breaking a levee for partying too much. If they don't start playing by my rules, I'm going to open a whole can of Old Testament whoop ass on their sorry little country."

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Queen Shall Be Crowned

Yes, yes, big news about the artist who sculpted Britney Spears, nude on a bear skin rug, giving birth doggie style. Big news.

REAL big news would be if American news organizations had the BALLS to show the entire statue. Every article mentions the fact that the baby is crowning (i.e. the head is beginning to squeeze out), but none of them will show it. Come on, lame-o news orgs, it's art for crying out loud. Get off your Puritan high horse and show us the entire statue. You really put the "media" in mediocre.

Well, we at Turner/Phelps aren't afraid of the religious right and their threatened internment camps for those of us willing to stand up to them by sending our faithful intern, Mitch, into the gallery with his camera phone. Behold America:

(Not as flattering as the rest of the statue.) My only real complaint with the artist is that he gave her such a peaceful look of calm purposefulness, as she gently grasps the bear's head. WAY too peaceful. Anyone who's known anyone who's had a baby knows that she should be looking like she's doing what she's doing: passing a ten-pound bowling ball through her vagina.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Alternate Perspectives

Did you ever wonder...

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Cancer Cured!

In an effort to help those searching for a cure for breast cancer, President Bush surprised the medical community in January by dedicating an "emergency" grant of 4.5 billion dollars to the National Cancer Research Organization, a network of thousands of practical and academic researchers in hundreds of countries. In just two months, the NCRO developed a treatment that in effect cures all types of cancer, including breast, cervical, child onset leukemia, prostate, basil cell carcinoma, and others. The sweeping breakthrough, considered by some to be accidental but due largely to the immense resources suddenly provided to the NCRO by the Bush administration, has made the specter of cancer a thing of the past.

No Teacher Left Behind

Public school administrators across the country are praising President Bush for a special dispensation he signed February 1, giving every public school teacher in America's elementary and secondary schools a $1500 pay bonus. Since the $4.5 billion bonus is earmarked as tax-free, it is the equivalent of all 3 million teachers receiving a $2000 bonus from their respective school districts, roughly 10% of the average teacher's salary. Attached to the bill was a note of thanks from the President. Furthermore, he promised to repeat the bonus later this year, hinting at the Fall by saying with a wink that it would help them buy more Christmas presents.

Developing Story

After five years of listening to experts on illegal immigration, President Bush approached the Mexican government this March to intiate a plan to boost the industrial and agricultural economy of our neighbor to the south. Titled LIDR (pronounced liter) La Iniciativa de Renacimiento, or The Renaissance Initiative, will be the largest investment ever by the United States in the economic well-being of Mexico. The flat-cash donation of $4.5 billion will be used exclusively for creating seven industrial complexes in three of Mexico's northern states, dedicated to higher education, international manufacturing and high-tech support. The initiative will allow Mexico to compete with India, Taiwan, and South Korea in all of these business and higher learning areas and will significantly stem the flow of illegal immigrants from Mexico, perhaps even driving some Americans to migrate southward with the promise of high paying, cutting edge jobs. President Bush has appointed former political rivals Al Gore and John McCain to head a blue-ribbon bi-partisan oversight committee to make sure none of the investment is lost to graft or corruption, and to guarantee the Mexican government that 99% of all contracts are awarded to Mexican companies and 98% of all the jobs created by LIDR are filled by Mexican citizens. Analysts predict that over the next 5 years, Mexico's economy could inch its way into the top ten in the world, and that the positive effects would spread down into Central and South America in less than two decades.

Honorary Preparations

In Stockholm, Sweden, three 2006 Nobel Peace Prizes for medicine, chemistry, and international economics have already been reserved for President Bush and will be co-awarded to him and the scientists who participated in the landmark cancer cure discovery, as well as his singular work to advance the well-being of Mexico's economy. "Two hundred years from now, one man and one man only will be credited with advancing our civilization as we know it to the next level," said esteemed cancer researcher Dr. Elliott Vanderflank of the Institut Curie, Paris, "and that man will be George Walker Bush."
Though the nominees and recipients for Nobel prizes are not typically announced or awarded until just weeks before the ceremony, the administrators of the foundation said that in these categories, there is no question who the recipients will be. "The President is a shoe-in," one judge professed, on condition of anonymity.

Amendments to several facts in the above article are as follows:

  • The $4.5 billion spent on cancer research in January, was actually spent on the war in Iraq. No cure found.
  • All 3 million public school teachers in the U.S. did not receive a $1500 tax-free bonus in February for a job well done. The money was spent on the war in Iraq.
  • The LIDR initiative's $4.5 billion investment was not implemented in March to establish a thriving job market in Mexico which would all but stop the flow of illegal immigrants into the U.S. Instead, the money was spent on the war in Iraq.
  • As for the Nobel Foundation's plans to give President Bush a peace prize, take a guess.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Norton Bears All, Then Resigns

Is Gale Norton's husband hung like a bear? Only she knows for sure. But based on her Mona Lisa-esque smile (see photo) and the fact that she's resigning her post as Interior Secretary to move back to the Rockies for some "comparative analysis" with her hubby, the staff here at Turner/Phelps is betting, "yes."

Good-bye, Gale. Hopefully your ties to Abramoff, questionable lobbyist money, and penchant for destroying our untouched wilderness won't come back to screw you like Grizzly Norton after drinking a twelve-pack of Coors and watching Brokeback Mountain (for the third time).

When the federal prosecutors come calling, just close your eyes and power through it.

Wafa Sultan...

"You can worship stones, but don't throw them at me..."

There could be a joke in here somewhere, and I think he's wearing the hat and calling her a heretic.

[Sorry for the delay in posts... new job... so much news to catch up on...]

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