Tyson: Chicken. Not Poultry

The debt-addled, half-face-tattooed, convicted rapist boxer who we once knew as "Iron" and now think of as "aluminum foil" has fallen and doesn't look like he's getting up. With $38 million in debt, 38 years old, no prospects, no plans, and no catchy fashionable cookery appliance spokesmanship contracts in the foreseeable future, Tyson might as well hang up his boxer's robe and find a job as a bouncer for a trendy nightclub. "No, Mike, you can't come in, you have to keep the homeless guys and crack heads out."

(AP - Tim Dahlberg) Beaten and battered, Tyson laid helplessly along the ropes, blood flowing down his face. The former baddest man on the planet stared ahead with a look of resignation on his face as his latest comeback - and perhaps his tumultuous career - collapsed along with him.

Oh, how the great ones fall hard. Wait -- was he ever "great" or just "scary?"

Either way, he fell like a sack of...

Andy's Back Wrestling

Read this.


And then read this.

I'll believe what I want, you believe what you want. But the world desperately needs Andy Kaufman.

Run, Johnny, Run

I love John Edwards. The speech last night was awesome, if fluffy. It so clearly articulated the main reason I’m a liberal: There are so many more important ethical issues than economic efficiency. I don’t want higher taxes, but I don’t want working mothers to starve even less. I think he’s a total rock star.

But if you close your eyes… he sounds like Forest Gump.

New Bushie Stance: "We're not as bad as we thought we'd be."

Beltway insiders say the Bushies are expected to announce a record federal budget deficit of about $420 billion for 2004, but may try to bury the bad news until after the election.

Word is they'll try to spin their historic fiscal irresponsibility as good leadership on the grounds that they originally thought they'd be $500 billion in the hole this year.

Let's not forget that Clinton projected a $400 billion surplus in 2004, meaning the Bushies are responsible for flushing more than $800 billion.

Is this really what Republicans are all about? Deficts, inflation, job loss, rising gas prices and a walking national security disaster -- W is a Jimmy Carter without heart.

Hear the Thunder!

The God of Thunder (formerly The God of History - our right-leaning, baby-eating, gun-polishing, Isreal-bashing, history-buffing, poker-playing, man-about-Texastown) has a new theme song, courtesy the editors at TURNER/PHELPS.

Clinton Nostalgia Plus

Remember when our heads of state were well-reasoned, courageous, articulate and truly compassionate? Yeah, that was cool.

Almost as cool are these great soundbites from last night's DNC opener:

Bill Clinton:

"Strength and wisdom are not opposing values.''

 
"We tried it their way for 12 years, we tried it our way for eight, and then we tried it their way for four more. By the only test that matters - whether people were better off when we were finished than when we started - our way worked better."

 
"During the Vietnam War, many young men, including the current president, the vice president and me, could have gone to Vietnam and didn't. John Kerry came from a privileged background. He could have avoided going, too. But instead he said, 'Send me.' When they sent those Swift boats up the river in Vietnam, and they told them their job was to draw hostile fire, to wave the American flag and bait the enemy to come out and fight, John Kerry said, 'Send me.' 

 
Al Gore:

"I'm going to be candid with you - I had hoped to be back here this week under different circumstances, running for re-election. But you know the old saying: You win some, you lose some. And then there's that little-known third category."

 
"I sincerely ask those watching at home tonight who supported President Bush four years ago: did you really get what you expected from the candidate you voted for? Is our country more united today? Or more divided? Has the promise of compassionate conservatism been fulfilled? Or do those words now ring hollow? For that matter, are the economic policies really conservative at all? For example, did you expect the largest deficits in history?"

 
"To those of you who felt disappointed or angry with the outcome in 2000, I want you to remember all of those feelings. But then I want you to do with them what I have done: focus them fully and completely on putting John Kerry and John Edwards in the White House."

 
Jimmy Carter:
 
"Recent policies have cost our nation its reputation as the world's most admired champion of freedom and justice. The United States has alienated its allies, dismayed its friends, and inadvertently gratified its enemies by proclaiming a confused and disturbing strategy of 'pre-emptive' war."

 
(Referring to Truman and Ike):
"We had confidence that our leaders, military and civilian, would not put our soldiers and sailors in harm's way by initiating 'wars of choice' unless America's vital interests were endangered We also were sure that these presidents would not mislead us when it came to issues involving our nation's security. Today, our Democratic Party is led by another former naval officer - one who volunteered for military service. He showed up when assigned to duty, and he served with honor and distinction."

Dems Bring Out the "Celebrities"

In a story about the Democratic convention in Variety today: 

Event is also expected to attract a large contingent from Hollywood, including a familiar group of Democratic fund-raisers: Creative Coalition co-chairmen Tony Goldwyn and Joe Pantoliano, Ben Affleck, Bianca Jagger, Billy Baldwin, Wes Craven, Janeane Garofalo, Joe Piscopo, Susan Sarandon, Anna Deavere Smith, Christina Ricci and Harvey Weinstein.

What? I thought there would be real "celebrities" there. Billy Baldwin? Bianca Jagger? Is that the best we can do? Where is that conspiracy of Hollywood lefties I keep hearing about in the "liberal" media?

Surely MTV's Rock the Vote Bus has higher octane:

Group held its "Jump Off" event Sunday night at the Avalon nightclub. Among the crowd: Bill and Hillary, Al Sharpton, Jon Stewart, Natalie Portman, Jerry Springer and musical guests (sic) X-Ecutioners and Biz Markie.

AAAGGH! It's up to John Kerry's fabulous hair to carry the glitter for the Dems this year.

Feeling Too Good? Get insulted!

Check out this tool for "equalizing" your mood. If you're having a a fantastic, cheerful, wonderful day, click on "Happy Day" and this toaster will knock you down a notch. If you're feeling down in the dumps, grumpy, and like your life can't get any worse, click "Bad Day" and the toaster will remind you how good life can be for you.

The Happy Day ~ Bad Day Universal Equalizer

Subarus Smell the Best

I know this is totally random, but it's the truth:

When we got our new (to us) Subaru, my friend Dewey said Subarus were the best smelling car on the market and you know what, he's right, it really smells great.

Los Alamos Runs Out of Clever Insults

The NYT reports that more troubles are afoot at Los Alamos National Laboratory as director George P. Nanos  suspended 19 employees on Thursday for "losing" some important Zip drives and attempting to create a mutant race of X-men with laser eyes:

This summer, an intern's eye was injured by a laser, and on July 7, two Zip drives containing classified information were found to be missing.

Apparently, Nanos needs help with his insults:

Dr. Nanos said that some employees had written their congressman to complain that he had called them cowboys and even more insulting terms.

Cowboys? I'm outraged. That kind of language can only escalate. What next, girly man, republican, astronaut? Nanos, you're surely going to Hell.

Um, Is This Supposed To Be Beer?

Adolph Coors Co. and Canada's Molson Inc. on Thursday agreed to merge in a deal that would create the world's fifth-largest brewer by volume. Combined, the companies reported $6 billion in sales.

$6 billion? For pouring goat-flavored tap water into bottles?

More Republican Abuses of Power

Apparently greedy Republican cronyism doesn't stop at cushy oil jobs and defense contracts. They're now threatening the MPAA with restrictive and abusive (and unnecessary) legislation if they don't appoint a Republican to a top spot.

According to Variety:

Three weeks after the MPAA announced Glickman's hire, Republicans on Capitol Hill and K Street are still seething about the studios' decision to bypass former Pentagon spokesman Victoria Clarke, the top GOP candidate for the job, as well as several other Republicans. Instead, the studios chose Glickman, who served as agriculture secretary under Bill Clinton and spent 20 years as a Democratic congressman.

For years Republicans in Washington have made it clear that they want trade orgs to hire GOP candidates for their top posts: Industries should choose Republicans or face the legislative consequences, the not-so-subtle GOP messages goes.

 
Can you imagine? All future Michael Moore movies would get X ratings.

Left On

Start your weekend left and save your valuable surfing time for free music downloads with a round-up of some of my favorite recent posts

Darth Cheney (that little troll) lobbied for terrorists:
� FREEDOM: Use It or Lose It �

Tired of having to constantly defend Ted Kennedy’s deviant behavior? Read Chappaquidd-Pickles:
Laura Bush: 1963, ran stop sign & killed boyfriend [Free Republic]

Tired of explaining to paranoid conservatives that the media is actually run by rich white guys and not liberally slanted? Ted Turner (nope, not my dad) tells us why Big Media is headed in dangerous directions:
"My Beef With Big Media" by Ted Turner

More Clinton Nostalgia:
MSNBC - Presidents and prosperity

Ask Auntie Pinko: Why does everyone hate Bush so much?
Ask Auntie Pinko - Democratic Underground

Lessons on creating your own bumper stickers:
Bush Cheney Fun

Bush’s war on science:
Editor's Cut

Jackie O, driving without a bumper, sucker punches Dennis Culver – She’s totally punk rock!
jackie_ojeda: ahhh romance!

Chris Hitchens the “prose equivalent of a sailor on shore leave.”
American Politics Journal -- All Vanity, No Fair

Why we love Dennis Culver enough to name a day after him: Pornicorns!
dculver: Unicorns are the next big thing.

Bill “Why Aren’t I a Fashionista” O’Reilly Declares War:
O'Reilly declares WAR!

Andrew Sullivan has a great blog about Republicans and Federalism (for your poli-sci wonks). You’ll need to scroll down:
Andrew Sullivan's Blog

Congress Debates $100 Billion Iraq Cost

(AP) As costs in Iraq keep mounting by the billions, lawmakers and policy makers are debating how much more will be needed and whether money used so far was well spent. 
"Halliburton is gouging the taxpayer," Rep. Henry Waxman of California, the senior Democrat on the committee, charged at the hearing.
(We say, "Don't forget the Profit's 5th Pillar for Success.")

The estimate:  The current and expected spending rate is about $1 billion per week!

The Question:  If you were king of the world (or President of the United States) how would you spend $1 Billion a week?  Enter a comment to tell us...

Mayberry Link to Abu Ghraib

Two more disturbing (AP) headlines: 
U.S. Reports 94 Cases of Prisoner Abuse  and
Don Knotts' Hometown Planning Tribute.
Coincidence? Or have all those years of verbally and physically abusing Otis in the Mayberry sheriff's holding cell finally caught up with Deputy Fife? Is the hometown tribute a clever ruse by authorities to catch the wiley Knotts?

Recently, Knotts has been hiding out in Beverly Hills, performing in regional theater with fellow comic Tim Conway.

You can't escape the vice of justice, Don. The Patriot Act never sleeps. Turn yourself in and make it easier on everybody.

Headlines 07/22/04

9/11 Panel Suggests Intelligence Overhaul

White house dumbfounded by finding. Wonders where they will find additional intelligence.

AT&T Retreats from Residential Market

Residentials lower their pitchforks and torches in hesitant celebration.

Coors and Molson to Merge in $6B Deal

The two North American beer manufacturers promise to make the weakest, crappiest beer ever!

Lance Armstrong Wins 17th Stage of Tour de France

Credits success on gazelle testicles he had implanted after last round of chemo.

Stephen Hawking Releases New Theory on Black Holes

Claims what they do is a victimless crime, but blames them for causing traffic jams in London's west end, and costing "way  too  much.  Oh,  wait,  you were  asking  about  black  holes... I  thought  you  said  ho's."

U.S. Military Death Toll Hits 900 in Iraq

White house dumbfounded by numbers. Wonders where they will find additional trumpeteers to play Taps overtime at national cemetaries.

Assault Weapon Ban Going Bye-Bye

(AP) The federal ban on assault weapons that has been in effect for 10 years is scheduled to expire in September, 2004.

That's just 40 days away, kids, just in time for duck hunting season. Or is it wabbit season?

Let's see which congressmen stick around or delay their summer vacations to stand up to the NRA and keep the ban alive.

 

Ronstadt is So Punk Rock

At a Vegas casino, Linda Ronstadt caused drunken conservatives who have difficulty expressing their emotions to embrace their inner anarchist simply by mentioning the magical name "Michael Moore." Reuters reports:   

Ronstadt, who had been hired for a one-show engagement Saturday night at the Las Vegas Strip casino, dedicated a performance of "Desperado" to Moore and his controversial documentary, which criticizes President Bush and the U.S.-led war in Iraq.
 
That dedication angered some Aladdin guests who spilled drinks, tore down posters and demanded their money back, said casino spokeswoman Sara Gorgon.

 
Nice American family values -- go to a casino, get lit up and start acting like you're in a Bam Margera demo tape.
 
In a related story, polls indicate that Bush leads Kerry five-to-one amongst uneducated wife-beating fans of crappy 70s country pop music.

Shocking News: KFC is Bad for Chickens

According to the New York Times, PETA is releasing a videotape featuring slaughterhouse employees at a Kentucky Fried Chicken supplier

"...jumping up and down on live chickens, drop-kicking them like footballs and slamming them into walls, apparently for fun."

What could be more fun than being drenched in the sensual smell of splattered chicken guts? An anonymous undercover investigator said:

"...he saw 'hundreds' of acts of cruelty, including workers tearing beaks off, ripping a bird's head off to write graffiti in blood, spitting tobacco juice into birds' mouths, plucking feathers to 'make it snow,' suffocating a chicken by tying a latex glove over its head, and squeezing birds like water balloons to spray feces over other birds.

A feces shower? I thought that was limited to KFC's rarely-cleaned restrooms. But why would workers treat chickens this way? Boredom and long, lonely nights, of course.

"He said the behavior was 'to alleviate boredom or vent frustrations,' especially when so many birds were coming in that they would have to work late."

But isn't the loud music of today's MTV youth culture really to blame?

"The tape includes loud music the workers listen to, the screeching of the birds and the sound of each hitting the wall."

The Great Gonzo was not available for comment.



Click here if you never want to eat chicken again.

Sexiest Vegetarian

NEW YORK (AP) - The secret to Grammy-winning hip-hop? Maybe it's the veggies. Andre 3000 of OutKast has been voted the "World's Sexiest Vegetarian" in PETA's annual online poll. He shares the honor with actress Alicia Silverstone.

Soylent Blue

Our resident ultra-conservative gun-toting Republican, The God of Thunder (TGoT) reports from the road that he has solved the problems of America's hungry, homeless, and liberal.
 
Feed them to rich Republicans.
 
TGoT and the Son of TGoT recently came to this conclusion while driving across many "Blue" states (those that voted for the Democratic ticket in the last presidential election).
 
 
Funny how this particular map (from Wikipedia) has the colors reversed from the scheme used by the network news media.
"All that prime real estate is wasted on the homeless, the hungry, and liberals," TGoT said between bites of the tuna sandwich I fed him while he was staying at my home during his journey.  "We should kill them, make them into Soylent Blue, and feed them to the rich Republicans."
In a fleeting moment of ironic destiny I considered crushing his skull right there, grinding him into a fine brown paste, baking him into crispy seasoned squares, and feeding him to the homeless guy on the corner of 6th Street and MLK Blvd, who calls me "Cap'n Howdy" and offers to read my future on his Ouija Board for the mere donation of a sawbuck. 
I restrained myself. But did decide to scoop him on the public announcement, after he asked me to wait until he could post his "final solution" on his website. Sorry, TGoT, but the truth cannot wait for any man or god.

Bill "Pretty People Should Just Shut Up" O'Reilly

Check out this sadly funny clip of Bill O'Reilly claiming he doesn't tell people to shut up and then proceding to tell a bunch of people to shut up. Oh, and sign the petition while you're there.

MoveOn.org: Unfair and Unbalanced

Kobe Welcomes New Teammates

With the Shaq trade a done deal, Kobe Bryant has gone out of his way to welcome his new teammates Lamar Odom and Brian Grant to dispel his image as a selfish loner who refuses to pass the frickin' rock. The trio has been spotted several places in LA laughing and cavorting, although Bryant insists any sex he's had with Odom and Grant was consensual.

Sid and Nancy's Blood-Splattered Goodies on Display

According to Reuters:

Some of the blood-splattered history of punk rock's most infamous couple, Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen, is to be displayed for the first time at an art exhibition in London, the Independent on Sunday said.

...

Both Vicious and Spungen, whose tempestuous relationship was chronicled in the 1986 film "Sid and Nancy," injected drugs. It is unclear whether the spots of blood on the poster were a result of their use or of Spungen's bloody death, the Independent said.

What's next on display? Andy Dick's vomit-stained turtlenecks? Mary Kate's cocaine-laden snot rags? Martha Rae's soiled diapers?

Another Reason to Love Canada

In case you missed the Duct Tape link in the last post, I present for your joy and approval:
 
Robot Boy

An intergalactic traveller? No, just having some fun with Duct Tape.

Is Dennis Culver Day at Risk from Terror?

Tom Ridge and other Bush appointees want to look into postponing the election in the case of a terrorist strike -- or at least until Bush's poll numbers rise. How convenient for them.
 
If they were really serious about making America safe, why aren't they concerned about an even greater national institution, Dennis Culver Day?
 
Hard to say when terrorists will strike, especially since we have yet to specify a date or location for Dennis Culver day. But as soon as we do pick a date, by all means stay at home and hide in your basement with duct tape, hard-boiled eggs, your Mad Magazine collection and bottled French water -- there's no need to be a hero.

Woody Guthrie Rolling Over in His Grave

But it's funny nonetheless. Watch This Land Is My Land, sung by Kerry and the First Monkey.

Doom to Arrive First Week in August

Scientists have made an estimate on the moment Doom will arrive -- the first week of August. Tom Ridge has made no comment on the imminent arrival of Doom and no mention was made of gloom, secret rapture or Hell freezing over after the arrival of Ronald Reagan's icy heart.

Where is the Love?

Lots of talk this week (and for the past year or so) about "traditional" marriage. Conservatives and liberals alike are trying to set a standard for what is and what isn't marriage, i.e. domestic unions vs. traditional marriage, gay marriage bans, and the affirmation that marriage can only be a union between one man and one woman.

As the first in a series of informational graphics relating to marriage, its value to society, and how it has changed over time, we offer the following:


Based on the fluid nature of this sacred institution I have to ask, "Why would gay marriage lead to the destruction of the family, and ultimately the desctruction of society as a whole?"

Remember, half of the straight people out there talking about "the sanctity of marriage" have been divorced themselves. Where is the sanctity? And as for family values, how many of us have straight parents who have been divorced (40%), had children out of wedlock (15%), had extra-marital affairs (30%), or pre-marital sex (85%)?

Let's grow up people and accept the fact that straights didn't need the help of gays, lesbians, or trans-gendered people to destroy the sanctity of marriage. They did just fine tearing it apart all by themselves.

Dick Cheney’s Humor Manual

Turns out the Veep is a very funny guy, somewhere between Fred Travelina and Carrot Top. Here are his top comedy tips.

Memo
From: Dick Cheney
To: Anyone on my staff who isn’t funny (ha ha ha)

Use the Right Words
The right choice of words is key. Suppose you wanted to say, “pardon me, I think you’re making incorrect statements about me.” That’s not funny. Instead, try “go fuck yourself.” See what I did there? Just the right choice of words can be funny.

Work with a Monkey
This is self explanatory. Plus, the monkey always makes you look smart and handsome.

Plumbers Are Always Funny
Sometimes you’re stuck for something funny to say. Try a plumber joke like: A fucking plumber came over to my house with his fucking ass crack hanging out and I told him to go fuck himself before I send the fucking IRS over to investigate his tax filings for the last seven fucking years. I cry with laughter just thinking about it.

Repetition
I learned this from watching Mike Myers. He’ll repeat a joke until it’s not funny anymore and then suddenly, on the eighteenth repetition, it becomes funny again. For instance, I keep saying that Saddam had WMDs and ties to Al Qaeda even after the recent Senate report shows I’m full of crap. I think that’s hilarious. Joke’s on you, now go fuck yourselves.

Be Careful with Inside Jokes
Notice I never say things in public like, “hey, how many Hummers will it take to spend all my Haliburton cash? 4,285!” Or, “George pooped himself again, can I get a wet wipe?” I don’t say those in public because people outside of this administration won’t understand the references to real-life events.

Comic Irony
Comic irony occurs when what you say is the exact opposite of the intended or expected content of your message. For example, Republicans keep pushing an act design to limit freedom in a very un-American way and yet we've called it the Patriot Act. See what we did there? That's funny stuff.

Never Work Blue
Foul language is never appropriate and it only gets you cheap laughs. Remember we’re representing the President and the United States of America. Don’t say words like “penis,” or “lesbo,” or “shit heel,” when a simple “go fuck yourself,” would suffice.

What Kind of Conservative Are You?

The GOP is being torn apart from within by two main groups of conservatives who are philosophically opposed: social conservatives and free-market (Libertarian) conservatives. How can you tell them apart? Do you suspect you may be a conservative but don’t know which one you are? Here’s a litmus test on various topics:

Guns
Social Conservative: I use an AK-47 for the gentlemen’s sport of hunting -- Viva Ted Nugent.
Free-Market Conservative: I should be able to build my own nuclear warhead if I want – now give me back my tank.

Sex
SC: Never really liked it and neither should anyone else.
F-MC: Thursday night, bring two men, a woman dressed in an “I Dream of Jeannie” costume, poodles and peanut butter.

Death
SC: I’m for it when it comes to minorities on death row, victims of aids and starving pre-industrial types. I’m against it if is an eight-celled pre-human.
F-MC: Hey man, what consenting adults do when answering an internet ad is their business, even if one of you eats his schnitzel.

Money
SC: I have it, you don’t and I always want more. (Why? See answer under “Sex.”)
F-MC: My pedestrian and totally incorrect understanding of the theories of Darwin and Milton Friedman (all third hand, because I don’t really read that much although I consider myself quite an intellectual) has led me to the conclusion that survival of the fittest means that if a few poor mothers with children starve because they can’t find a job in our fictional free market it’s their own fault.

John Kerry
SC: A flip-flopper with fabulous hair.
F-MC: A freedom-hating communist.

George Bush
SC: The leader of God’s chosen people (because we all know, God hates gay people)
F-MC: A communistic freedom-hater.

Alec Baldwin
SC: Loved “The Hunt for Red October.” Hate his politics.
F-MC: A hedonistic hater of freedom, commie bastard.

Ronald Reagan
SC: If he were still alive, I’d lick his [CENSORED TO PROTECT FAMILY VALUES] – Oh what the hell, dig him up and bend him the [CENSORED] over, that sexy [CENSORED] zombie.
F-MC: Tax and spend liberal.

Important Message from MoveOn.org

Dear friend,

Congress is about to vote on amending the U.S. Constitution to deny marriage equality to same-sex couples.

Never before has our Constitution been amended to take away anyone's rights. Yet our Senators will vote on this amendment in the next 48 hours.

It's urgent that we speak up now. This hateful divisiveness has no place in America. Please join me in saying so, at:

http://www.moveon.org/unitednotdivided/

Equality in marriage is the civil rights issue of our generation. We can't let anyone, or any group, be singled out for discrimination based on who they are or who they love.

Thank you.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

Thanks to the Godfather of Colorado Springs for sending us this one:

Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Elvira, oh Elvira: Bush in Oak Ridge

In a speech yesterday in Oak Ridge, Tennessee First Monkey Bush tried to explain why he still clings desperately to the delusional belief that he's made America safer by invading a country 300 times smaller than the United States. I wasn't there, because of my restraining order involving the Oak Ridge Boys and a certain Tennessee stalker law, but here is how the speech should have read:


People of America (long pause for a doltish blank stare), polls indicate that most of you think I was lying about WMDs in Iraq and have dragged the country into an unnecessary war involving the death of over 1,000 innocents. I can tell you that this is contrary to our intelligence leading up to the war. In fact many people, including the Vice President and Condi Rice said that my so-called “war against terrorism” was supposed to be an easy sell on the campaign trail, and is an important plank of my re-election effort, when in fact it has led to my lowest approval ratings in my three years in office. This was clearly a failure of intelligence.

While hell-bent on Iraq from the first day of my presidency, I accidentally allowed North Korea to become more of a threat. I thought Kim Jong-Il was one of those urban graffiti artists, again a failure of the CIA to properly inform this administration. Oopsie. I thought that all there was to national security was giving moving speeches about patriotism and foreign interests. It worked for Reagan, but unfortunately I’m just not that charismatic. I’m also very, very stupid and poorly groomed. Sorry ‘bout that.

So instead, I’d like to change the rationale for going to war with Iraq. I know the war is almost over, and everything, but I’d like a re-do with baby bouncies, please. I know I told you that the reason for going to war with Iraq was that they had WMDs and clear ties to Al Qaeda. Nope. What I meant to say was that they had the potential to create WMDs at some point in the future and some very big, ugly neck ties from Al Sharpton’s goodwill pile. I mean, if there actually were WMDs – which we know is a big fat lie – where are they now? That sure doesn’t make me feel safe. Let’s instead pretend that Iraq had the theoretical ability to create WMDs before the year 2100.

I’d like to remind you that this coming election has nothing to do with Iraq or WMDs. That is water under the bridge. This election is about gay marriage. Gays who marry have the potential to rob liquor stores under cover of nightfall and we must take preventative action against such terror. I’d also like to ask John Kerry what he’s trying to hide under that fabulous hair of his. That hair has the potential to catch on fire and burn down the White House, and no patriotic American wants to see that.

No Shiite, Sherlock

(AP) - The international Red Cross said Tuesday it suspects the United States is hiding detainees in lockups across the globe, though the agency has been granted access to thousands of prisoners in Iraq and elsewhere. Terror suspects reported by the FBI as captured have never turned up in detention centers, and the United States has failed to reply to agency demands for a list of everyone it's holding, said Antonella Notari, spokeswoman for the International Committee of the Red Cross.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded, "Duh!?"

Odds are, the detainees the Red Cross is referring to and their whereabouts won't be disclosed until Donald Rumsfeld's guard dogs and hot pokers have gleaned all the information they have out of them. Or until enough noise is made about it domestically and internationally, to the point that it's a "hot topic" in the polls. Remember how all those Abu Grahib prisoners were "mistreated" (we wouldn't want to say they were tortured, that implies certain atrocities were committed) in Iraq? Once the news broke on it, suddenly hundreds of prisoners started to be released and George Bush gave a speech about tearing down the prison. Would he have ever mentioned or even planned to tear down that prison if it wasn't a political thorn in his tushie?

Wallstreet Broads Jiggle To The Tune Of 54 Million

NEW YORK (AP) - In an agreement hailed by a judge as a "watershed" for women on Wall Street, brokerage Morgan Stanley (MWD) has agreed to pay $54 million to settle allegations of rampant sex discrimination.

An unidentified man from the Morgan Stanley legal defense team said, "I don't get what the hullabaloo is all about. They get two friggin' months off every time they squeeze out a baby, they get to wear pants, suits OR skirts to work, and they get to wear their hair as long as they want. Us men don't get any of that. So why are they pissed off that they get paid less and don't get invited to strip clubs? Do they want to be invited to strip clubs? 'Cause, any man will tell you, we wanted to invite them to the strip club client meetings, Lord knows we'd like to see them on stage stuffing dollars into strippers' g-strings, but we didn't think they would accept. Sorry, I have to leave now and make it to my "sensitivity" training so I can learn about cramps and pantyhose."

Dick Disagrees With Lynne Cheney

(AP) On CNN's Late Edition, Lynne Cheney, the vice president's wife and mother of a lesbian, said Sunday that states should have the final say over the legal status of personal relationships. That stand puts her at odds with the vice president on the need for the constitutional amendment now under debate in the Senate that effectively would ban gay marriage.

President Bush and VP Dick may have had this conversation afterward:
George: She said WHAT?
Dick: That states should have the final word.
George: But wouldn't that give states more power? (Pass the bananas.)
Dick: For that particular decision, maybe. (Want me to peel it for you?)
George: But I thought we wanted to change the constitution so that the federal government had more power. (Yeah, peel it and could you cut it into bite-sized portions and feed it to me?)
Dick: Well, big picture, that's what we want. But this is a minor obstacle. (Here comes the choo choo, open the tunnel!)
George: (Mmph umph, thanks.) I just don't like women who get uppity and disagree with their husbands. God put the man in charge, ya know. (More, please.)
Dick: She has a right to her opinion. Our daughter's a lesbian afterall, and a mother needs to show some support for her daughter. (Open the hangar, here comes the airplane!)
George: (Mmph umph, thanks.) Well, as long as she doesn't start advocating gay rights, or contest our stance on prayer in school. (Mmm that was good.)
Dick: Don't worry, she knows her place. (Want some milk?)

Federal Appeals Court Rules: Nevada will be the Glowiest State

(AP) WASHINGTON - A federal appeals court on Friday rejected Nevada's arguments against building a nuclear waste site in the state... The 3-judge panel dismissed claims by Nevada that the Bush administration's plan to build the Yucca Mtn waste site was unconstitutional and said that actions by the Energy Department and Prez Bush leading up to approval of the waste site were not subject to review by the court.

Once the Yucca Mountain facility is complete and all the other states start shipping tons of nuclear waste there via our impressively well-maintained national highway and railway infrastructure, states like Illinois and California will no longer get bragging rights of being the states that glow the brightest.

Nuclear Waste Dump Sites in the US (note: CA has 9 and Illinois has 10!)

This Week's Headlines

W's Records Gone: Must Not Have Had Damning Info In Them -- Military payroll records that could more fully document President Bush's whereabouts during his service in the Texas Air National Guard were inadvertently destroyed, according to the Pentagon. Coincidence?(AP 07/09/04)
Bowie's Pipes Get A Good Scrubbing -- Musician David Bowie underwent an emergency angioplasty to open a blocked heart artery in Germany and is recuperating, his spokesman said. At 6'1" and weighing 116 lbs, the surgeons successfully scraped 18 pounds of decades-old heroin tar from his pulmonary artery. (AP 07/09/04)
Bush Gets Layed -- White House says it has been "quite some time" since Bush and indicted Enron CEO Kenneth Lay talked with each other--at least a couple years since Lay gave Bush over $200K, co-chaired an economic summit for Bush Sr. and was a "pioneer" status fund-raiser for George W's 2000 campaign. Despite their alleged distance, Bush still had a nickname for Lay: Kenny-Boy. Don't we all give strangers nick-names? (AP 07/08/04)
JackieO Gains Super Powers: Ability To Disappear Off Blog Comments for Weeks At A Time -- The irreverent rockophile iPod listener and T|P Blog diva vanished from the comments section of the Turner|Phelps Blog for more than a week, only to reappear for a quickie this week. Where does she go? What is she listening to today on iPod? Will she return? Does she have an arch-nemesis?
Kerry Chooses Edwards To Bring Some Life To His Frighteningly Grave Visage -- Dem John Kerry defended his choice of John Edwards as his running mate on Thurs night against GOP criticism that he lacks experience, saying the freshman senator from NC was "strong enough and skilled enough to lead" the country if necessary. Plus he has great hair. (AP 07/06/04)
Tom Ridge Keeps Our July 4th Spirits Up With Prediction Of Terrorist Attacks -- Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said Friday he saw no contradiction in the government's renewed public warning of likely terrorist attacks and its unwillingness to raise the official terror alert level. Earlier at a news conference he announced that a steady stream of intelligence, including Web sites (like this Blog), indicates al-Qaida wants to disrupt the upcoming U.S. elections. (AP 07/07/04)

Can-O-Balls

Sticking with a culinary theme today, Reuters reports that acclaimed filmmaker Rosa von Praunheim will direct a film about Armin Meiwes, the notorious German cannibal who pan-fried a willing victim, starting with his schnitzel.

Von Praunheim, a 61-year-old gay activist who has made over 50 films including an erotic comedy entitled "Can I Be Your Bratwurst, Please?," said the case intrigued him as he had been studying cannibalism for the last 20 years.

I didn't make that up -- it's in the Reuters story. If I had made it up it would've been nonsense such as:

Is that your penis in a frying pan, or are you just happy to see me? It will undoubtedly be an Academy Award wiener. Gene Shallit says, "I smell an Oscar... Meyer." You really can have your Jake and eat him, too. Rumor has it Dick van Patten, Wang Chung, Peter O'Toole, Willy Nelson and Rod Stewart will have wok-on appearances.

OK, now I've made myself sick and have to go throw up.

I Like Greek Turkey

ISTANBUL, Turkey - Greek pop star Sakis Rouvas and Turkey pop star Sertab Erener teamed up Wednesday for a concert in Istanbul aimed at promoting peace between the two neighboring nations. (AP Story)

All twenty-six fans from Greece and Turkey attended the show, waving flags from their respective nations, and singing along with the performers.
Promoters were pleasantly surprised by the turnout, saying, "Only Yanni could bring in more people to this venue."

Recipe for Greek Turkey

1 roasting turkey, cleaned
3 lbs of Feta cheese crumbles
2 cups Kalamata olives (pitted)
3 Tbs of Allspice
1/4 cup of dried, minced mint

Mix spices, cheese, and olives in bowl while singing songs of love, then stuff generously into turkey. Roast at 410 deg. for 15 minutes per pound of turkey. Sing songs of peace and unity. Feed turkey with Greek salad and babaganoush to homeless Cypriots.

An Open Letter to Ingvar Kamprad

Dear Ingvar Kamprad:

First, I'd like to thank you for founding Ikea. I used to be able to buy crappy furniture before, but now I can buy crappy furniture that looks really cool.

I understand that selling crappy furniture is very profitable and that your net worth hovers in the neighborhood of $18.5 billion. That's a big pile of money, which has inspired me to build my own furniture. I've made many wonderful designs, such as the Poodle Hair dish-drainer, a giant bean bag that looks like a testicle (you pretty much have to buy two, which I think is pure marketing genius), and my favorite, the nightstand/pudding dispenser. Unfortunately, building furniture is like, really, really hard. I got as far as shaving a poodle and buying some pudding and then I kind of got stuck.

Then an even better idea hit me. You've got $18.5b, you're already making furniture, can you just give me some money? At six percent, you probably make at least $1b every year in interest, so I was wondering if I could have $12.72 million this year, and then $4.38 million each year after that? The designs for the poodle hair dish drainer and the testicle bean bag are yours to keep, but I'd like to hang onto the nightstand/pudding dispenser, since I've already bought the pudding.

I've considered changing my name to Purvis Kamprad III (that is, if there are already two older Purvis Kamprad's in the family). I also plan to move in with you and your wife and kids in Lausanne, Switzerland -- I hope you're not allergic to lemur droppings.

Let me know when my room is ready.

Sincerely,

Purvis Kamprad III

Kerry Plays it Down the Middle

Showing that he finally understands his only hurdle to the White House is to just avoid screwing up until November, John Kerry has chosen John Edwards as his Veep candidate. Other potential ticket-mates, including Al Gore, Howard Dean, Ted McGinley and Kerry's own fabulous hair, were undoubtedly disappointed at not getting a chance at an easy lay-up into the history books this fall.

The Kerry-Edwards campaign also played it safe with their slogan, "Kerry-Edwards. A stronger America." Better choices would have included:

* "Kerry-Edwards. At least we can read."
* "Kerry-Edwards. Rich. Handsome. Metrosexual."
* "Kerry-Edwards. Because you hate Bush and Ralph Nader has that annoying eye-twitch."
* "Kerry-Edwards. You won't have to make embarrassing apologies on your next international business trip."
* "Kerry-Edwards. Defeat Bush -- Again."

Top Ten Bush Lies

According to David Corn, author of The Lies of George W. Bush:

10. "I have been very candid about my past."

9. "I’m a uniter not a divider."

8. "My plan unlocks the door to the middle class of millions of hard-working Americans."

7. "This allows us to explore the promise and potential of stem cell research."

6. "We must uncover every detail and learn every lesson of September the 11th."

5. "[We are] taking every possible step to protect our country from danger."

4. "I first got to know Ken [Lay in 1994]."

3. "Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised." And, "[Saddam Hussein is] a threat because he is dealing with al Qaeda."

2. "We found the weapons of mass destruction."

1. "It’s time to restore honor and dignity to the White House."

Click here to find out the truth.

John Kerry picks John Edward

AP Story: At a rally in Pittsburgh on Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry selected former rival John Edward.

Edward accepted Kerry's selection, saying, "Kerry's dead father told me last night I'd be getting a phonecall from his son. He kept showing me a telephone, the letters VP and a blow dryer."

When asked why he chose a celebrity psychic as his running mate, Kerry said, "Who better to dig up dirt on The Bushies than somebody who is intimately linked to the Other Side?"

The Republican camp was nonplussed by the announcement. A source from the VP's office stated anonymously, "Since Dick Cheney is the Dark Lord of Hades, and thus holds sway over all warlocks, witches, diviners, and mimes, Senator Kerry's choice actually plays into our talon - er - hand."

It Takes a Lot of Moola for Hair That Fabulous

Senator John Kerry raised over $34 million in June, with $3 million on Wednesday alone -- a new online fund-raising record. The campaign's web servers came to a crashing halt thanks to myriad donors stuffing their bills into Kerry's virtual g-string.

Pundits say that Kerry's fund-raising success is due to his clever use of Al Gore's fancy-schmancy brainchild "The Internet." And, of course, that he's running against an inarticulate monkey.

We're Your 25th Best Friend

The Bridges Consortium asked 3,000 Iraqis which countries they would trust most as future allies. The United States came in 25th in a field of 30, behind Saudi Arabia, Iran, Algeria, France, Russia, and Brazil.

When asked why they didn't give the U.S. a higher ranking, most Iraqis said, "We prefer countries who don't bomb our wedding parties, kill our citizens and torture our soldiers. We're not Canadians."

Look on the bright side, America. Sure, France and Iran kicked our ass when it comes to our global reputation and integrity, but where is Liechtenstein?

No, really, where is Liechtenstein, I can't find it on a map?

Our 100th Post

Yippee! You’re reading the 100th post on the Turner|Phelps Blog. To commemorate this momentous, and otherwise content-free post, we’d like to thank the following:

1) Our faithful readers, Jackie-O, MC Tim “Hot-Dog Ski Jumper Security Guru” D, God of Thunder, Dangerous Mitch, Surfer Dude and Anonymous. We couldn’t have done it without your willingness to suffer through inanity.

2) Our favorite politicians and body parts: Tom, George, Hand, John, Head, Ear, Toes, Ronald and of course, Dick.

3) John Kerry’s fabulous hair.

Without all of your sick, codependent enabling, this blog could have at least been something mildy funny.

Thank you.

Brando Dies; Hershey Stock Plummets

Top 5 Joke Headlines That Would Be In Bad Taste To Make At Brando's Passing:

• Brando Dies, Hershey Stock Plummets


• Native American Actor Stands In For Brando's Autopsy


• Marlon Brando Finally Loses 21 Grams


• E! Asks: Who will fill his shoes? We ask: Who will fill his pants?


• In Memory of Brando, Coppola Releases Another Godfather Box Set

Seriously, folks.

We're going to miss you, Big Guy.

Take care.

T & P

Nash's Phoenix Has Risen

PHOENIX (AP) - Dallas point guard Steve Nash agreed to a five-year, $65 million deal with the Phoenix Suns on Thursday...

Meanwhile, the guy who lives on the corner of 5th Street and MLK Blvd who calls me "Doctor Jimmy" and wants to charge me a buck-fifty to examine a boil on his left butt cheek while I'm stuck in traffic, is still trying to raise enough money to buy a MacDonald's Happy Meal so he can spend 15 minutes in an air-conditioned building out of the 105 degree temps he's been enduring.

Phoenix is $16.3 million under the NBA salary cap, not counting the Nash deal.

Hey, Jerry Colangelo (Suns chairman) and Nash! How about spreading some of that Suns cash around to this guy so he can nurse an ice cold Coke while the 19-year-old manager stares at him disapprovingly?
I'm not sure I can take another "physical" disguised as performance art and protected by his First Amendment right to free speech so early in the morning.

Thunder on the Highway

A phonecall last night went like this:
RING
Thom: Hello?
The God of Thunder: Listen-up, you tree-hugging, homeless-feeding, gunless, Godless, murderer-sparing, commie, Marxist, left-leaning, tofu-eating, meditating, yoga-stretching, screen-writing liberal. I just drove from Texas to Colorado, crossed three state lines, and didn't have to stop once. Do you know how I did that?
Thom: Ummm... adult diapers? Some kind of stool-stiffener maybe?
TGoT: No! I didn't have to stop once in over 1200 miles because we live in a FREE COUNTRY. I didn't have to show my "papers" and didn't have to bribe any corrupt border guards. And do you know why it's a free country?
Thom: Ummm... the constitution written by our founding fathers?
TGoT: NO! It's because George Bush and Ronald Reagan made it free. They brought down the Soviet empire, they kept the wolves of Communism at bay, and they are keeping our interstate highways free of terrorists!
Thom: Ummm... Reagan's dead. Are you on any psychotropic drugs?
TGoT: Of course I am. How do you think I drove 1200 miles without stopping? I've still got 800 more miles to go.
Thom: Okay, Rush, you have a safe drive.
CLICK

MoveOn Casting Call

From a recent MoveOn notice:

You've seen a lot of political ads, with actors pretending to be real people. But we've always found that real "real people" are more interesting and have more important things to say. Academy award-winning filmmaker Errol Morris has agreed to produce a series of ads for the MoveOn PAC, featuring authentic American voices committed to change.

This is a casting call. We want to hear your story.

To be part of this exciting campaign, just go to:

http://www.moveonpac.org/morrissurvey.html

Cheney's Favorite Curse Word?

It turns out that one of the two Republicans who pledged three years ago to restore dignity to Washington likes to dust off the "F" word on the Senate floor.

So what is Cheney's favorite curse word? Dick, of course.

America Gets Their Money's Worth

Sure, polls indicate that a majority of Americans think the war in Iraq was not worth the money or lives spent. But that was before Saddam went on trial. Now we're sure to get our money's worth just in comedy alone. Saddam in an ad-lib outburst:

"This is all a theater, the real criminal is Bush."

Some say that is just the ravings of a madman. Others see a hilariously long summer for the Bushies as they try to explain why this guy really was an evil genius threatening our very existence. Isn’t that worth billions?

Election Forecast # 1

Thom's Predictions:

1. When Bush/Cheney start feeling the pressure of a tight race, they'll play the "Osama" card. We know they already captured Osama bin Laden, and they're keeping it hush-hush by saving him as their ace-in-the-hole for when the polls show them trailing. They'll pull him out of the secret prison they've got him in, and parade him around as an example of what a good job they're doing in the war on terror. He's a ringer for them winning.

2. John Kerry will enlist a truly hated politician or worthless non-politician to be his running mate (like Hillary Clinton, Marion Barry, or Rich Little) so that when he tanks in November, he can blame it on the running mate or on the Democratic party's "choice" of a running mate, and still save some dignity for himself. (What am I saying? Does he have any dignity?)

3. The election will be pre-empted by either a massive domestic attack (of the terror, criminal, or Janet Jackson FCC variety) or by an unexpected natural disaster, forcing the President to declare a state of emergency, establish martial law, reinstate the draft, and boost the invasiveness of the Patriot Act. At which time, for the sake of national defense, Bush/Cheney will ride out the next six years as El Supremo Commander and The Dark Lord of Information, on a wave of media-driven fear and hype.

Ming-Na Bluffs Her Way Back Onto Thom's "To Do" List

Ming-Na, the actress formerly known as Ming-Na Wen, climbed back into the top three ranking on Thom's "To Do" list this morning, edging Gwen Stefani out of the # 2 position. The deciding factor was Ming-Na's successes at the World Poker Tour, as described by John Ridley on NPR.

Currently, Gwen Stefani of No Doubt holds the # 3 spot on the list, with Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas in the top spot.


Ming-Na's return to the list pushed incumbent actress Courtney Thorne-Smith out of the top 3 ranking and into the top 10 mix with Michelle Yeogh, Madeleine Albright, Sandra Bernhardt, and other beauties. In this photo, that's Thom standing next to Courtney, but the photographer only got his ear.