Saturday, February 25, 2006

Pentagon Puts the "Action" in Action Figure

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Hunting Party, Anyone?

MWBRM seeks adventuresome partner who's not afraid to take one for the team. Must love quail, unilateralism, long strolls in the woods, camping in camouflage, and hunting "the ultimate prey."

If you dream of world domination like me, kicking a guy when he's down, telling senators from across the aisle to go f*~k themselves, sucking up to big energy companies, smirking for no reason, and dropping bombs on middle eastern children while expanding the definitions of uber-cronyism, then call me now at 1-800-pure-evil, code: dickveep.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Top 10 Saint Valentine's Day Dates

Sup bros. Mitch here with some killer fine dates for your special xx-chromosome. Or y-chromosome if you rock the other side of the swing or you like it brokeback.

10. Chuck to the cheese. You know. For those "special" ladies.
9. Detox. It's really time you had a real conversation with courtney.
8. Brokeback mountain. Well, you haven't seen anybody else around have you?
7. Walmart. If you can climb the fence to the top of the bouncy ball corral, no one can see you and your sweety make out.
6. Canada. With the exchange rate, you'll be wining and dining like a cheap bastid.
5. The proposal restaurant. Just make sure you don't actually intend on paying for the bill, it's f$@%ing expensive son!
4. Senior Citizen's Home. Not only can you bling bling off a resold viagra scrip but if the date don't work out, you get some easy ease... that's right, 70 is the new 50.
3. History Museum. It's like going shopping with the lady, only it's free and you can make out in the requisite tour video theater to the tune of james earl jones.
2. Iran. Go nuclear bro. You're bound to break some atomic love barrier... for real. (Editor's Note: Mitch is under investigation from the Nuclear Watchdog Committee now)
1. The heart. Somebody suggested this is the true place to spend the other V-Day. All I know is, angioplasy can clear the plaque, but no doctor can clear the love I feel for my baby.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Good-bye Grandpa

Whether we knew you as
Officer Leo Schnauser from Car 54... Where Are You?,
Grandpa from The Munsters,
Judge H. H. Harrison from Used Cars,
or that crazy radio guy who ran for governor of New York,
we'll miss your cigar-chomping cantankery.

Thanks for all the latkes...

Friday, February 03, 2006

Friday Entertainment Headlines

Locklear Files for Divorce From Sambora
Finally. Heather is fed up with finding 16-year-old Bonjovi groupies under her bed, and Hepatitis C in her liver.

Simon Cowell to Search for Talent in Vegas
Experts don't expect his search to be fruitful, predicting that he'll be just as untalented as he was before.

Death Cab, Franz Ferdinand to Tour
A taxi from the underworld surfaced this week, bearing the dessicated corpse of the assassinated Austrian royal, driving around the EU, and generally stinking to high heaven.

'Commander in Chief' Takes Six-Week Break
Geena Davis blames the precursor to her show's cancellation on the public's disinterest in unnaturally high cheek bones and squirrel-like speech patterns. "It can't be that they realized we were just a rip-off of West Wing."

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