Monday, December 20, 2004

Best Bets in 2005

The New Year is upon us. Sure, it's really more than a week away, but Walmart was playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving so I thought I would play along and start the New Year crap early.

And what's going to be the craze in 2005? Office pools.

Not the kind with chlorine and handsome Latino boys who check the chlorine, but the kind with money and chance.
  1. The Dead Pool. Yes, with September Eleventh 39+ months in our foggy memories, it's safe once again to resurrect the infamous Dead Pool. That's where a group of your closest friends or co-workers each ante-up a chunk of change to a community pot, then each one makes a list of celebrities who they think will kick the bucket. If a celebrity should pass on to the great beyond, the players with that celebrity on their list gets a pay-out. To balance the playing field, set a standard on age limits. We like to base ours on $1 for every year under 90. For example, if you have Pope John-Paul II (age 84) on your list and he were to kick the bucket this year before his birthday, you would only receive $6 from the pot. But say I have Robert Downey, Jr. (age 39) on my list and he dies on March 15, 2005 (please, oh, please let it be an impacted colon), then I would win a whopping $51! You can spice up the rules by saying "high risk" behavior is paid-out at 50% (define a high risk death as drug overdose, car chase with police, anything with the words "Mexican stand-off" in its description). If you're feeling guilty by playing this macabre game, then at the end of the year donate any money left-over in the pot to a children's hospital. It will make you feel better. Note: "celebrity" is defined as any person who's death would make it on the front page of a national newspaper or be one of the lead headlines of a national news service.
  2. The Divorce Pool. A less morbid variation on The Dead Pool, this betting game involves married couples and which of them you think will break up. You can give percentage payouts for separations or bonuses for something more severe than "unreconcilable differences." Of course, this one is much safer played with celebrity couples, since they almost always break-up (everyone's a winner!). Plus, if you play it with people you know, it could hurt a friendship.
  3. The Politics Pool. This is more of a DC insiders' game, since so much more goes on inside the Beltway than we regular peasants could ever know. Simply put: who's in and who's out is the name of the game. People make a list and kick in some money to the pool. Every couple of months you check the lists and pay players on their accuracy.
    And My Favorite:
  4. The EOW Pool. Everybody enters one guess at what will cause the End Of the World as we know it (from Armageddon to Nuclear Holocaust to Pandemic Bird Virus to Life Killing Asteroid Collission to the Yellowstone Caldera Exploding.) The choices are limitless. Also, you have to define what "end of the world as we know it" is, since very few things would actually kill every living human being (don't forget the secret moon base with genetically engineered super-humans, they count too!). I like to say that the EOW occurs if 65% of humanity is wiped out. Duplications get to split the pot if they win. Of course, there's a good chance that if an EOW event should occur, the game ends without a winner.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Time Wins "Earliest April Fool's Ever" Prize

He's not just the President of the United States;

He's not just the graduate that the Yale class of 1968 voted least likely to say something profound;

But he's also Time Magazine's "Man of the year."

Woo hoo! Drop the ballons. Cue the fanfare music. Let loose the doves! I said, drop the balloons.

Basically, the editor-in-chief of Time Magazine made a bet with the publisher that had something to do with making more Americans scratch their heads in stunned confusion than any previous cover story.

Where are those f#*king ballons?

Christmas with the Reeves

Back in 2002, I remember it fondly, sitting amidst a makeshift dinner table. I and the Reeves.

Christopher sat slouching to my right, being fed applesauce by his caretaker and wife. They were so happy. And when I would offer "S-Man" some Starbucks coffee, his eyes would light up like so many IEDs by an Iraqi roadside. For he and I both knew, that deep within the secret recipe for all Starbucks coffee is a super-secret ingredient... the crushed bones of baby fetuses.

These magical bits of bone and stem cell would give the S-Man that little extra boost he would need, to slowly lift his head straight up, open his mouth slightly, and emit a labored and soft exclamation: "stupid b@$ch... this applesauce is f@#$ing disgusting."

His wife would hear these few words and if you looked closely, you could almost see the tears...

. . .

Christmas is a time for giving. So give the gift that keeps on giving... starbucks coffee. For you too can bring a little bit of joy to even the most un-abled in your family. Big shout out to Jimmy P down in Tejas!

Friday, December 17, 2004

Restroom Games

Let me answer two obvious questions before I begin this post:

1) Despite the title, this post is not about Rick Santorum coming to terms with his blantently latent homosexuality, and
2) Yes, when we're not skewering the Bushies we pretty much fall back on poo poo jokes.

Here are some suggestions for making your next trip to the restroom a little extra special.

Things to say to the person in the next stall:

* Could you give me hand in here, I think I've exceeded the capacity of my recepticle?

* Do you have a camera handy? This one looks just like Henry Kissinger.

* If you even think about crapping while I'm still here, I will crawl under this stall and rub your nose in it

* I love your socks. No, I mean it. I really love your socks. They make me feel all funny inside.

* Hey, sorry about the toilet seat in there. I ran out of Lysol. If you get a rash rub a little butter on it. I learned that trick in prison. Wanna' hear about other prison tricks?

* What's that horrible smell...
... Are you from Austin, Texas?
... Are you a cannibal?
... Is Karl Rove in there with you?

* I can't finish this sandwich, do you want some?

* I hope you'll join me next time. I haven't had this much fun since I was first toilet trained. Ah, eighth grade -- good times.

* Damn you Liza Minelli. Damn you to Hell.

Men Only: things to say at the urinal:

* Hello Seabiscuit, Daddy's missed you.

* Does my pee pee smell funny to you?

* I haven't passed a stone that big since since I hiked Monument Valley.

Women Only:

* Wanna' trade pantyhose?

* In your huskiest voice, say, "I think I'm in the wrong bathroom."

* I know it smells like Austin, Texas in here, but it's just my new perfume, Channel Number Two.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

A Postcard from Canada

Dear friends,
You may not have heard much from us this month, and I apologize.
It's hard to stay on top of current events while house hunting in Toronto.
Great news from the Department of Defense, though. It's good to know that prisoner abuse, torture, and cover-ups are rampant throughout the military and not confined to four poorly trained soldiers in one prison.
And this latest twist on the President's good friend and model patriot from ground zero, Bernard Kerik, that he picked to be the next homeland security czar... total self-destruct. That one's getting a lot of polite laughs up here. Bigger laughs from Guiliani going to the White House and apologizing for him!
One thing lots of Canadians have been asking me is, "Why does Donald Rumsfeld hate American soldiers so much?" Good question. My answer: because they point out the obvious.

And he doesn't like the obvious.

Well, we have an appointment with a real estate agent, so I gotta go!
Take care!

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Call Me Punxsutawney Phil

That's right, I found myself afraid of my own shadow yesterday. Afraid to post the following blog because it might be considered an attack on Dubya and his anal parasite, Rummy.

What has America come to if an upstanding citizen like myself is afraid to exercise his right to freedom of speech through this blog? Sad sad sad. Either that or I'm just a big wuss.

- - the blog in question - -

Schoolyard Bullies Grow Up to Join Special Forces

(AP) U.S. special forces accused of abusing prisoners in Iraq threatened Defense Intelligence Agency personnel who saw the mistreatment, according to U.S. government memos released Tuesday by the American Civil Liberties Union.

The special forces also monitored e-mails sent by defense personnel and ordered them "not to talk to anyone" in the United States about what they saw, said one memo written by the Defense Intelligence Agency chief, who complained to his Pentagon bosses about the harassment.

Is anyone surprised that soldiers would threaten or intimidate people to protect themselves and the dirty little deeds they're performing for their suit-wearing fascist overlords?

Monday, December 06, 2004

Shedding Light on Dubya

How many Bush administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's condition is improving every day. Any reports of it's lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effort.

Why do you hate freedom?

From an email by Karen Lin.

Dictator Says "Iraq a Mistake"

You remember Gen. Pervez Musharraf, don't you? He's that avatar of freedom and democracy who runs Pakistan, after taking over the government in a 1999 coup. Really nice guy. Great aftershave. (I think it's Perry Ellis.) Bush prefers to called him "President" Musharraf, and likes to remind us every chance he gets that Al Qaida and other "nasty folks" are constantly trying to assassinate the Pakistani leader.

Well, this week Musharraf told Wolf Blitzer (who's a CK1 man) that Dubya's invasion of Iraq made the world less safe than it was with Saddam in power.
"But," he clarified, "Pakistan needs to improve it's economic standing with the U.S. and U.K., so we're standing by you. Allow me to introduce my minister of foreign economic investment, Doctor A.Q. Khan. He helped us get through hard times by brokering some high tech sales to Libya, North Korea, Chechnya, and Iran. He'd like to make similar deals with our Western friends."

Friday, December 03, 2004

Uncle George Says...

Another cabinet member tendered his resignation today. That makes 53% of them.
Why isn't the media asking these resignees if this amounts to changing horses in midstream?

Thursday, December 02, 2004

There's Something About Dean Martin

Dean Martin has that extra special something. I can't quite put my finger on it. Is it the natty tux? Is it that velvet voice and dry wit? He's been dead for years, but even the way his flesh has rotted off his body has a gentlemanly charm. Normally I'm completely repulsed by the stench of human decomposition (hence that big deep freeze in my basement), but Dean's flesh is so soaked in Jim Beam that he reminds me more of the aging wood in the bar of an old Jolly Roger restaurant than most corpses. Sort of sweet and sticky. He has an unusually sophisticated manner, even though he just sort of lays there not saying much -- always the consumate straight-man. His bony fingers and left forearm are incredibly handy for clearing the lint out of your clothes dryer's exhaust vent. And when you make a little sailor's cap out of that purplish gray lint, pop it on his head and ask him to sign an autograph, he isn't quick to slap you with a restraining order like those other celebrities. Of course he's not quick to sign an autograph, either.

Dean Martin, I toast you.

* This post was originally titled "Why Dean Martin is Lucky I'm not a Gay Necrophile," but several ABC affiliates complained and I altered it.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Ridge & Mfume: Weak Reasons to Resign

During their resignation press conferences, Tom Ridge and Kweisi Mfume both said they wanted to spend more time with their families. Ridge said he intends to attend his son's rugby games, while Mfume went so far as to say he looks forward to being able to sew the varsity letters on his son’s varsity sweater.

Enough, already, with the “I miss my family” excuse for resigning from a lucrative and high-profile job. It belittles you and is going to give your teenage son a complex.

First off, Kweisi, if your son is getting a varsity sweater, the letter he’ll be getting will be from Home Economics, and the little powder puff will be doing all the sewing himself.

Secondly, Mr. Ridge, do you really think your teenage son wants the Czar of homeland security to be lurking in the bleachers during games of the second least American high school sport?* None of the other kids’ parents will even show up for fear that they’ll get deported by INS when their kid fouls your kid.

- An exchange on the high school campus -

Kid: Hey, Ridge! Like, what's up with your dad?

Ridge's Boy: Like, what d'ya mean?

Kid: I hear he's like saying that your rugby games are more important than protecting us from terrorists and stuff.

Ridge's Boy: Nuh, uh! He still thinks anti-terrorist stuff is important.

Kid: Oh yeah? Then why did he quit while our Terrorist Alert Level is still tangerine? And right after, he said we should like expect terrorist attacks during the holidays and the Presidential inauguration?

Ridge's Boy: Uh... cuz... uh, cuz President Bush has a mandate from like the people. And he like has all this capital that he's going to spend. So my dad doesn't have to keep doing his job.

- Following this exchange, Ridge's kid gets a well-deserved wedgie. -

* The least American high school sport: Bullfighting.

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