Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Ridge & Mfume: Weak Reasons to Resign

During their resignation press conferences, Tom Ridge and Kweisi Mfume both said they wanted to spend more time with their families. Ridge said he intends to attend his son's rugby games, while Mfume went so far as to say he looks forward to being able to sew the varsity letters on his son’s varsity sweater.

Enough, already, with the “I miss my family” excuse for resigning from a lucrative and high-profile job. It belittles you and is going to give your teenage son a complex.

First off, Kweisi, if your son is getting a varsity sweater, the letter he’ll be getting will be from Home Economics, and the little powder puff will be doing all the sewing himself.

Secondly, Mr. Ridge, do you really think your teenage son wants the Czar of homeland security to be lurking in the bleachers during games of the second least American high school sport?* None of the other kids’ parents will even show up for fear that they’ll get deported by INS when their kid fouls your kid.

- An exchange on the high school campus -

Kid: Hey, Ridge! Like, what's up with your dad?

Ridge's Boy: Like, what d'ya mean?

Kid: I hear he's like saying that your rugby games are more important than protecting us from terrorists and stuff.

Ridge's Boy: Nuh, uh! He still thinks anti-terrorist stuff is important.

Kid: Oh yeah? Then why did he quit while our Terrorist Alert Level is still tangerine? And right after, he said we should like expect terrorist attacks during the holidays and the Presidential inauguration?

Ridge's Boy: Uh... cuz... uh, cuz President Bush has a mandate from like the people. And he like has all this capital that he's going to spend. So my dad doesn't have to keep doing his job.

- Following this exchange, Ridge's kid gets a well-deserved wedgie. -

* The least American high school sport: Bullfighting.


Blogger God of History said...

Wedgie, Wedgie!!

And while we are at it, you might want to read the USA-PATRIOT Act. Your comments alone make you eligible for arrest, indefinate isolation without attorney privileges, and an IRS audit for the past 7 years.

And all that is before they begin your interrogation.

Remember, rubber hoses hurt when they are used on the bottom of your bare feet or the back of your bare thighs. Thats just the warm up while you hang half suspended by your feet under a shower of ice-water.

1:03 AM  
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11:25 AM  
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