Tuesday, November 30, 2004

No Cranberry for Mitch's Nonna

Editors' note: Thom was under the influence of cold medicine when writing this blog.
Three weeks ago, when Mitch was checking flights from the recently-proclaimed new country of Ski Colorado to the small town of Waco, Texas, he had no idea that Tom Ridge, Yahoo!, and his grandmother's Thanksgiving turkey would all be out to get him.

It started harmlessly enough with the Internet (doesn't it always?). Mitch sat at his computer, humming the refrain from "Over the River and Through the Woods" while he waited for Bill Shatner's disembodied head on priceline.com to tell him that his bid on a plane ticket was the winner. Bill was taking longer than usual, so Mitch opened another browser window and started playing with Yahoo! Map's driving directions. I had teased him previously that his trip to visit his Nonna during Thanksgiving was really just a ruse to give him an alibi while he slipped over to Crawford to see if he could sneak on The Ranch and catch a glimpse of the Bush twins skinny dipping in the stock pond. He had heard that the tabloids pay big money for photos of the Younger Bush bushes. Curiosity won out, and Mitch entered a starting point and a destination.

The starting point: Nonna's sleepy village of Lorena.
Destination: Crawford.

It was a short drive and he chuckled to himself that it would be fun to head over there on Friday just to take a photo of the front gate. Behind the scenes, though, past the silicone and diodes, the "Crawford" red flag had been raised by Yahoo! Maps which signalled the Homeland Security databases to compare the IP address of Mitch's computer with his political affiliations. It glided smoothly past the harmless "college ski club," "Italian American," "internet hacker," and "NAMBLA," but hit a snag by a recent addition to his homeland security file: "Turner/Phelps contributing editor."

When Mitch arrived at his Nonna's house on Thanksgiving morning, Tom Ridge and his SS team (Secret Service) were waiting for him. No sooner had he said "Ciao," to his aged grandmother, than they leapt out of her red tip photinia bushes and dragged him off to their secret interrogation safe house just outside of McGregor. After several hours of questioning, finger-printing, and full body cavity searches, the unmarked SS black van pulled up to Nonna's house and pushed a bewildered and sore Mitch out onto the front lawn.

While Mitch was in custody, his grandmother continued to cook the Thanksgiving feast, but had been so distraught that she forgot to turn the oven temperature from a balmy pie-baking 325 degrees, to the turkey-roasting 385. The resulting salmonella poisoning from undercooked poultry landed Mitch in Waco's Holy Sister's Hospital for the remainder of the weekend where he received heavy doses of antibiotics and a full reconstructive rectalectomy for the SS damage done to his rectum.

His ultra-liberal Summit County lawyers entered the fray Monday morning, and Tuesday morning, Tom Ridge announced his resignation.

The least we can do is thank Mitch for taking one for the team and give Tom a hearty, "Good-bye."

On a side note:

Check out the amount of time Yahoo! Maps says it will take to drive 29.3 miles. Don't they realize that this is Texas? Driving time in Texas is always one mile = one minute, if not less. Sheesh.

18 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Thom on, I was out blog surfing looking for some info on hylexin when I ended up on your page. Obviously I ended up a little off base, but your topic caught my eye. While I am here, I just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for hylexin. I am going to
bookmark your site for future reference and reading. Should you ever need it, you can get specific information about hylexin at the site above.

1:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there Thom on, a real useful blog. Can you believe it? When blog surfing for detailed info on hylexin I ended up on your page. Obviously your site is not exactly what I was searching for, but your site caught my interest. Just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for hylexin. Should the need ever arise where you need information on hylexin then drop by for a look.

10:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Thom on, I was out blog surfing looking for some info on esteban guitar when I ended up on your page. Obviously I ended up a little off base, but your topic caught my eye. While I am here, I just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for esteban guitar. I am going to
bookmark your site for future reference and reading. Should you ever need it, you can get specific information about esteban guitar at the site above.

12:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there Thom on, a real useful blog. Can you believe it? When blog surfing for detailed info on as seen on tv products I ended up on your page. Obviously your site is not exactly what I was searching for, but your site caught my interest. Just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for as seen on tv products. Should the need ever arise where you need information on as seen on tv products then drop by for a look.

1:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Thom on, you have a nice blog. Glad to see it. Today I was out blog surfing looking for detailed info on as seen on tv items when I found your page. Your site describing No Cranberry for Mitch's Nonna is not an exact match but it did catch my interest. I am going to add you to my favorite list of blogs for future reading and reference. Should you ever need information on as seen on tv items then drop by the site above and check it out.

8:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there Thom on, a real useful blog. Can you believe it? When blog surfing for detailed info on as seen on tv products I ended up on your page. Obviously your site is not exactly what I was searching for, but your site caught my interest. Just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for as seen on tv products. Should the need ever arise where you need information on as seen on tv products then drop by for a look.

9:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Thom on...Wow! While I was searching for info on as seen on tv items I somehow found your page. Obviously I ended up a little off base, but I am certainly glad I stopped by for a read. While I am here, I just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for as seen on tv items. Should you ever need it, there's lots of information on this site about as seen on tv items.

7:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Thom on, I was out blog surfing looking for some info on ionic breeze when I ended up on your page. Obviously I ended up a little off base, but your topic caught my eye. While I am here, I just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for ionic breeze. I am going to
bookmark your site for future reference and reading. Should you ever need it, you can get specific information about ionic breeze at the site above.

9:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Thom on, your blog is excellent. As I was surfing around today looking for detailed info on as seen on tv items I somehow ended up on your page. As your No Cranberry for Mitch's Nonna is not exactly related to my search, I am certainly glad I stopped by. Oh well, back to surfing and I am sure I will find what I am looking for, and should you ever need information about as seen on tv items, then stop by for a look. Thanks for the post.

5:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Thom on...Wow! While I was searching for info on as seen on tv items I somehow found your page. Obviously I ended up a little off base, but I am certainly glad I stopped by for a read. While I am here, I just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for as seen on tv items. Should you ever need it, there's lots of information on this site about as seen on tv items.

2:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Thom on, I was out blog surfing looking for some info on when I ended up on your page. Obviously I ended up a little off base, but your topic caught my eye. While I am here, I just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for . I am going to
bookmark your site for future reference and reading. Should you ever need it, you can get specific information about at the site above.

7:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Thom on, you have a nice blog. Glad to see it. Today I was out blog surfing looking for detailed info on as seen on tv stores when I found your page. Your site describing No Cranberry for Mitch's Nonna is not an exact match but it did catch my interest. I am going to add you to my favorite list of blogs for future reading and reference. Should you ever need information on as seen on tv stores then drop by the site above and check it out.

1:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there Thom on, a real useful blog. Can you believe it? When blog surfing for detailed info on as seen on tv stores I ended up on your page. Obviously your site is not exactly what I was searching for, but your site caught my interest. Just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for as seen on tv stores. Should the need ever arise where you need information on as seen on tv stores then drop by for a look.

11:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Thom on...Wow! While I was searching for info on I somehow found your page. Obviously I ended up a little off base, but I am certainly glad I stopped by for a read. While I am here, I just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for . Should you ever need it, there's lots of information on this site about .

10:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Thom on, you have a nice blog. Glad to see it. Today I was out blog surfing looking for detailed info on esteban guitar when I found your page. Your site describing No Cranberry for Mitch's Nonna is not an exact match but it did catch my interest. I am going to add you to my favorite list of blogs for future reading and reference. Should you ever need information on esteban guitar then drop by the site above and check it out.

4:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there Thom on, a real useful blog. Can you believe it? When blog surfing for detailed info on as seen on tv stores I ended up on your page. Obviously your site is not exactly what I was searching for, but your site caught my interest. Just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for as seen on tv stores. Should the need ever arise where you need information on as seen on tv stores then drop by for a look.

3:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Phelps on, I found your blog informative. While out blog surfing today for specific info on as seen on tv products, I ended up on your page. Your site shows that I ended up a little off base, but I am certainly glad I stopped by. I will bookmark your site for a future visit, and should you ever need it, there is plenty of information on this site about as seen on tv products.

3:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Phelps on, I was out blog surfing looking for some info on as seen on tv stores when I ended up on your page. Obviously I ended up a little off base, but your topic caught my eye. While I am here, I just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for as seen on tv stores. I am going to
bookmark your site for future reference and reading. Should you ever need it, you can get specific information about as seen on tv stores at the site above.

11:53 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

Site Meter