Monday, November 22, 2004

No sympathy for the devil

Yesterday, after pulling into the parking lot for Wolf Creek Ski Resort, I and 8 other skier and snowboarders had to turn tail and head back early to Colorado Springs. This was because a 3 to 4-day storm was coming through the area, according to two Forest Service service representatives we consulted if, and that if we hadn't left by then, we'd be surely locked in to staying in Pagosa Springs for at least another day of two.

Since this difficult decision came to pass, the snow report at Wolf Creek shows they have accumulated 29" of fresh snow in the last 2 days since we left. According to reports from skiers leaving Saturday from Wolf Creek heading back to Colorado Springs, the roads were fine and the storm only lasted until late Saturday afternoon.

To the Forest Service personnel I spoke with during my brief encounter on Saturday morning, I have but only these few choice and gracious words to spare: F#$%#$ YOU!

You'll note that there are specifically 5 punctuation marks and 1 letter to replace the obscenity that would have otherwise been present. To aid you in guessing which obscenity was edited out, I offer some rap-induced suggestions: fizzle, fuzzle, fucuku, and fuzuck.

The U.S. Ski team will be practicing at Wolf Creek again this year from Nov. 28 to Dec. 8, and lift tickets are only $43 if you decide to enjoy some pre-season powder. But do yourself a favor, and look only to yourself for advice on whether or not to stay out a storm. Those evil green-uniformed morons from USFS probably look to an 8-ball prediction device for what to say to some innocent looking fool stupid enough to bother them with questions.

Here's to another ski season in Colorado!

Here's to Breckenridge, the most crowded ski resort in Summit County and the White River National Forest (according to the skier per acre per day statistic compiled by Forest Service, though since they're probably drunk with giddyness after deceiving yet another dumb out-of-towner, take this with a grain or even block of salt. Hell, for all I care, go to Utah, and run your tongue about 100 yards on the salt flats for all I care. You talked to Forest Service again didn't you! Well serves you right.)

Here's to Keystone, the most icey and rock-ridden piece of real estate next to Paris Hilton. Or Hillary Duff. Or Lindsey Lohan. Or Birdcage Spears. I wouldn't mount Paris Hilton with my 5-year old cheapo snowboard. Maybe Birdcage, but only if I get to build a rail across her fake rack. Oh man, I'll bet that the tabloids would love that picture.

Tabloid photographers interested in coordinating the birdcage rail o rackage can email me at For everyone else giving me a hard time about turning tail on a snowstorm leaving all that powder, I only have this to offer: F#$%#$ YOU


Blogger Phelps said...

I think we need to change our benefits package so that anger management sessions are covered. Either that, or we need to start wearing bullet-proof vests to the office and start making sure none of the exits are blocked on days that Mitch is having one of his "snowboard episodes."

7:46 AM  

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