Diagnosis: VP's Shortness of Breath from too much Brimstone

WASHINGTON (AP) - Vice President Dick Cheney, who has a history of heart trouble, went to a hospital Saturday after experiencing shortness of breath. A pacemaker implanted in Cheney's chest three years ago indicated no irregularities during the past 90 days, said a spokeswoman for the vice president. The device gives doctors a three-month readout.

"His Unholiness needs to spend a little less time infusing himself with the sulfur and brimstone of his calamitous domain," one doctor dressed as a 14th century monk stated, "and he needs to lay off the honey roasted baby heads smothered in gravy. They're murder on the old cardiovascular system."

To prove that he was in tip-top shape and there was no need to worry about his visit to the hospital, VP Cheney did some tricks for the press and the crowd of cheering well-wishers. First he turned a fire hydrant into a toad-like imp and commanded it to dance around his cadre of secret service agents, then he levitated several inches off the ground and made smoke billow from his ears. As his car pulled away, he flashed his trademark firey pentagram on the palm of his hand and turned Al Franken into a blithering idiot.