Monday, November 08, 2004

A Message from the Canadian Immigration Board to Disillusioned American Democrats

Greetings, Eh? That Bush feller really pulled a fast one on ya. You thought that running up a deficit, attacking science and sending thousands of Americans to die for vague political causes would make people vote for that yawner with the big hair. Well, the jokes on you. Now that you’ve exhausted your legal options, you’re probably axing yourselves aboot Canada, our fair land o'plenty. OK fine, here are the random bits of trivia you and your liberal friends will want to know aboot:

LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT CANADA

• We can't spell worth a damn. Just look at the words "grey," and "colour"
• You can’t refer to your former home as “America,” anymore since we consider the entire hemisphere to be “the Americas,” ya egotistical sots. You’ll have to refer to it as “the Southern province,” or “upper Mexico,” like we do.
• We have a parliamentary system. Don't axe--we don't know what the hell that's all aboot either.
• Saturday is trap all the ferret you can eat day, OK now?
• Don't be wearing that stupid grin when you drink our beer, you hear me, Phelps?
• Canada's unemployment rate is actually higher than 100% due to a tear in the fabric of time and space.
• Flannel is actually a magical fabric made by faeries living in Maple trees. (sorry 'boot the way we got to spell "faerie" up here)
• If a Canadian Betty turns you out on a date, don't say, "ouch, eh, you’re a chilly Northern winch." We frown on talk like that, mister.
• Drink lots of our beer. We've been saving all the old crappy stuff for you yanks and we need the room for our Wayne Gretsky statues.

Now, go and have yourself a good time. In Canada, eh.

2 Comments:

Blogger Phelps said...

"That stupid grin" is actually a grimace from the gastritis I endure when I drink Canadian beer. It's like a kodiak bear is ripping my intestines out with dull claws.

3:14 PM  
Blogger Mitch said...

Oh man that is funny stuff.

Seriously, there is some damn fine Canadian beer! Okanagen! (sic)

So yeah, eh, I visited Vancouver and Whistler up in Canada back in mid-August. I wanted to live up there even before it was considered trendy. Damn you last minute liberal trend-setters trend-setting on account of your personal tastes in decency and self-respect!!!

Damn you... damn you... damn you... (author starts sobbing at this point, knocking beer off the counter, and collapses to the floor while moaning gutteral noises resembling "ashcroft")

9:44 PM  

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