Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Another G.I. Jane Casualty

T/P Observation: After draining all the macho hunkiness out of ex-husband Bruce Willis, the lean, mean, gravel-voiced succubus Demi Moore has begun devouring all that is masculine out of long-time boyfriend Ashton Kutcher (pictured here at the May 05 premier of "The Longest Yard").

Shocked by his appearance, reporters cautiously asked Kutcher how he was doing.

His response, in what some considered the worst Woody Allen impersonation ever was, "How am I doing? Well, I, um, I feel like Soon Yi on a Saturday night after Woody's Cialis and Ecstacy cocktail kicks in."

Friday, May 20, 2005

Reality TV Bites

When are the networks going to stop beating this dead horse? Haven't we possibly explored every dead-end street in the world of reality TV? Oh, wait. Here's one they haven't tried yet:

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Military Media Manipulation

The headline this morning read:
Iraqi Terror Group Plans More Bombings

And the article started:
BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) - The leaders of Iraq's most notorious terrorist group recently held a secret meeting in neighboring Syria, where they plotted the recent wave of insurgent violence that has killed hundreds of people and was intended to break the postelection lull in violence, a top U.S. military official said.
Have you ever had that uncomfortable discussion with your boss about raises where he/she tries to lie about the economy just not being right so the company can't give you a 4% cost of living adjustment? But since you've been sleeping with Agnes in Payroll, you happen to know that your boss got an 8% raise, a $10k bonus for the work you did last quarter, and he/she got to spend a week last winter at the corporate condo in Vail, all lift fees paid. While you listen and accept the fact that you won't be able to buy your son a new bike this summer, you get that uneasy feeling in your lower bowels that feels like diarrhea but is really supressed rage.

This article, as simple as it is, makes me feel that way. Do they really think we're THAT stupid not to know the purpose of this concocted drivel, spoon-fed to the media?
Breaking it down:
If it was a secret meeting, how do we know where it was, who was there, and what they talked about? Is our intelligence that good? Not according the past three years of commissions on the quality of our intelligence gathering machine. AND if we knew where this meeting was being held and who was attending, why didn't we just kill the "terrorist group leaders?"

Oh, and when did they start calling the insurgents "Iraqi Terrorists?" Another milestone for the Pentagon's marketing department reached.

This smacks of Orwellian propaganda.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Undoing the Newseek Damage

WASHINGTON (AP) - The State Department, moving to undo damage it says was caused by a Newsweek article alleging U.S. desecration of the Quran, the Muslim holy book, is telling its embassies to spread the word abroad that America respects all religious faiths.
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Memo to All Embassies Abroad

From: Your State Department
Re: 10 Ways to Show How We Respect the Qu'ran
(also referred to as the Koran)
Date: May 17, 2005

  1. Prominently display it in your house and embassy offices resting on something OTHER THAN a toilet.
  2. Try not to flush the Qu'ran down a toilet, or put it on the ground, or use it to discipline your dog for making a mess on the carpet.
  3. Refrain from tearing pages out of it to write yourself reminders.
  4. Do not tell people of the Islam faith that you consider the Qu'ran "great light reading when I'm taking a crap."
  5. When talking with people of the Islam faith, do not refer to the Qu'ran as "your Bible," or "your Torah."
  6. Try not to say, "the Qu'ran would be better if it wasn't so preachy, and didn't have so many Arabs in it."
  7. When trying to get a taxicab driver's attention, do not throw the Qu'ran at them.
  8. When entertaining people of the Islam faith, do not use the Qu'ran as a coaster for your cocktails.
  9. Do not store the Qu'ran on a bookshelf next to Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses.
  10. Do not use it as a cutting board for your ham sandwich or BLT.

Our Sister, Russia

Oh, sister Russia, how me misunderstand you! You seem so different, so alien, and yet we are so alike:
  • Your government punishes the oligarchs who oppose your leaders for crimes "everybody else is doing," yet turns a blind eye to the criminal activities of the moguls who back your leaders. Just like us.
  • Your highest officials have pasts shrouded in the mystery of the KGB, with "lost" personnel files and subtle unofficial governmental protection from investigation. No one knows what your leader was doing during the redacted "black-out" years of his life. Just like us.
  • You continue to militarily and economically assist those countries with whom you have long-standing relationships and "strategic interests," even when they act in ways that you or the rest of world decry. Just like us.
  • 20% of your adult male population is borderline alcoholic. Just like us.
  • You sometimes try to manipulate the politics of neighboring countries and "potential strategic partners," often failing miserably or getting your hand caught in the cookie jar. Just like us.
See, Russia? We're not so different from you. Can't we just be friends, again? Here, let's share a Pepsi. No dioxin, I promise.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Star Wars Episode III Secrets Revealed

SPOILER WARNING: Don’t read this post if you don’t want a bunch secret Star Wars plot lines revealed before you see the big steaming pile of crap in the cinema:

* Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader! Can you believe it?
* Emperor Palpatine is the evil Sith lord – who knew?
* C3PO and R2D2? Gay lovers.
* Yoda is really a puppet controlled by Sesame Street’s Grover.
* Ewan MacGregor has a love scene with Natalie Portman where he leaps at the chance to exhibit his enormous light saber.
* Jar Jar Binks secretly addicted to smoking Bantha poodoo.
* The Empire is building a giant space station capable of blowing up entire planets. They name the station “The Death Star,” after they find out that their first choice “Gianto Lego Ballus,” was under trademark by Mattel.

A Burger to Lose Your Cookies Over

Paris Hilton, that "I'm a rich and famous for no reason at all other than my last name" celebrity skank, is going to start promoting Carl's Jr's Hot and Spicy Six Dollar burger.

In the ad campaign they have her enjoying the monstrous sandwich in a bathing suit while washing a Bentley. What they won't show you is Paris purging after every bite.

Talk about a couple burgers that will kill you; one will get you with heart disease, the other with any number of other diseases.

I've just become a vegan.

(Paris is interactive. Mouse Over for nutritional details.)

(AP photo)

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Obeidi vs. Obi-Wan

According to the headlines, the big news this weekend: French fans of Star Wars flock to Paris while the US offensive in Obeidi, Iraq, against Syrian-supported insurgents is considered a success by the Pentagon.
Question 1, about Star Wars in Paris: Who cares? Lucas ruined it for us with the previous two steaming piles of Ewok droppings. Why does anyone want to see Number Three? Revenge of the Sith? Come on! It should be called, "Episode III - George Needs another Olympic sized swimming pool."
Question 2, about the offensive in Obeidi: Does anybody else notice how convenient it is to pull off a major offensive along the border of one of the next two countries we're going to invade? Next we'll be training Iraqi security forces how to dismantle a nuclear reactor near the border of Iran.

Army Recruiter Cheat Sheet

According to NPR's All Things Considered, the United States Army has taken the unusual step of planning a "values stand-down" for its recruiters on May 20. Recruiters will retrain on acceptable recruiting practices. According to the story, a recruiter was caught on tape telling someone posing as a high-school dropout (the Army doesn’t take dropouts) how to fake his drug test to conceal his confessed marijuana addiction.

Here’s a cheat sheet for the upcoming values stand-down training.


DO talk about the remarkable diversity within the 700,000 member Army. DON’T say, “you’re the first white guy I’ve talked to all week… would you like to be a Captain?”

DO discuss the training opportunities available for young recruits. DON’T tell them that most young soldiers become high-paid executives of Fortune 500 companies by learning how to solder radio circuit boards.

DO tell them that with 20 years of hard work and months away from their family, they could be awarded with promotions. DON’T tell them the only jobs available this month are for two-star generals, so they’ll have to do that for the next four years.

DO tell them about the many exotic locales they could lose their limbs visiting. DON’T tell them that driving fast cars in Italy, skiing Germany and getting wasted on the beaches of Guam is how most soldiers spend their days.

DO tell them that them that there will be money available for college upon retirement. DON’T tell them that they’ll ever actually have a shot at retirement in the current military or in any way imply that the money for college will pay for more than three units, a book and a grilled cheese sandwich.

DO tell them about the opportunities for personal growth in the Army – that is of course if they don’t die fighting for oil in a country 300 times smaller than the U.S., or if the current President, either accidentally or on purpose, brings about the apocalypse.

Where's Charlton Heston?

General Colin L. Powell will be the featured speaker at the 2005 National Restaurant Association Restaurant, Hotel-Motel Show. I wonder if he thinks he’s addressing the other NRA. What’s he doing at a foodie show? Does he suspect there are WMDs hiding in the Boca Burgers? Did Bush ask him to lie to us about the amount of digestible cholesterol in eggs? Perhaps his spineless ambivalence also is at play in the great Coke versus Pepsi, chunky versus creamy debates.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Achieving Closure

With old Rummy Rumsfeld and the Pentagon proposing to shut down 150 military installations (including 33 major bases and more than 100 smaller facilities), communities around the nation whose economies rely on the bases are struggling to counter the proposal.

Governors from several key opposition states converged on Rumsfeld's mobile press corps Airstream Friday to protest.

"What will become of our pawn shops, liquor stores, and Oriental massage parlors?" asked Alabama governor, Bob Riley.

"And the hookers," Arizona governor, Janet Napolitano, bemoaned. "What about the hookers that rely on our armed forces to make a living? They'll end up on the street, and our room-by-the-hour motels will go out of business!"

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Bolton Moves Along

The Senate has advanced John Bolton for nomination as Ambassador to the U.N. In an effort to make lemonade out of lemons, here are the benefits of an Ambassador Bolton:

Iran’s Ambassador Bagher Asadi no longer the meanest bastard in the UN. Take that, moderate and somewhat modern Islamic republic.

Donald Trump is now frozen out of the running.

John Bolton will be too busy belittling his new UN peers to do anything that might actually be significant or influential.

Bolton can sneak out sensitive Al Qaeda G2 inside that creepy moustache of his.

Kofi Annan will never get tired of asking, “Will the ambassador from the United State humor us with a few bars of ‘Sitting on the Dock of the Bay,’ or ‘How am I Supposed to Live Without You?’”

Bush, Grenade Fake

Turns out the grenade found near President Bush was a fake and inactive. Oh, wait, I might be confused. Perhaps it was the President found near the grenade that was fake and inactive.


Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Social Security - 30 years from now

A friend forwarded the link for this Flash movie to us.

To see it full size in the framework in which God intended, go here (and sign up for some activism):


Senate Approves $82b for War; $0 for Unemployed Mothers

The U.S. Senate has approved $82b for the war in Iraq. Senate Appropriations Committee Chairman Thad Cochran, a Mississippi Republican (that’s Beltway code for “brain damaged from generations of inbreeding”), said the legislation was "of utmost importance to our troops who are deployed in the war on terror and for our allies in the world." Unfortunately, all of the money will go to support the war in Iraq which is completely unrelated to terrorism and opposed by our allies in the world. You win some, you lose some.

Winners: Haliburton, God of the Old Testament, the industrial war complex and the insurgency

Losers: You, me, 1,000 more soldiers who will lose their limbs, God of the New Testament and anyone else who could’ve used the money like seniors, the social security fund or stem-cell gene-splicers

Sunday, May 08, 2005

He's Back

Like it or not, I’m back posting on TurnerPhelps. It took this long to get a DSL connection in Bayfield, CO. Now, if I had wanted something a little more practical to the average Bayfield resident, say a tractor or 10,000 pounds of manure, it would’ve only taken days not months.

I’ll spare my Durango-related grief for other posts, but for now suffice to say I feel like Fleischman in Northern Exposure (except maybe my hair is not as pretty).

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

5 people you will never meet

Adolf - a black jewish crippled man
Likes to hang around affluent neighborhoods demanding 'reparations' from passerbys. Targets drivers of Audi and Volkswagon.

Bruce - a southern baptist texan who tolerates gay people
Believes that his '86 Ford F-150 should be used for holding his gun rack and towing dead pigs with a chain from his trailer hitch, not for dragging gay people down country roads, because that's wrong.

Charlene - a pro-lifer who thinks rape victims can get abortions
Usually seen skiing on the slopes of hell, which has recently frozen over.

Doug - a public servant committed to serving the public
Not to be confused with other government officials who are batpoop crazy and make taxpayers lives a living hell.

Eloise - a 90-year old who rides a bike instead of a car
Believing that it is too dangerous for her to drive a car because of her senility and her inclination to run people over in farmer's markets, Eloise rides a bicycle in her day-to-day affairs, only rarely clipping hikers on jogging trails.

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