Our Sister, Russia

Oh, sister Russia, how me misunderstand you! You seem so different, so alien, and yet we are so alike:

• Your government punishes the oligarchs who oppose your leaders for crimes "everybody else is doing," yet turns a blind eye to the criminal activities of the moguls who back your leaders. Just like us.
• Your highest officials have pasts shrouded in the mystery of the KGB, with "lost" personnel files and subtle unofficial governmental protection from investigation. No one knows what your leader was doing during the redacted "black-out" years of his life. Just like us.
• You continue to militarily and economically assist those countries with whom you have long-standing relationships and "strategic interests," even when they act in ways that you or the rest of world decry. Just like us.
• 20% of your adult male population is borderline alcoholic. Just like us.
• You sometimes try to manipulate the politics of neighboring countries and "potential strategic partners," often failing miserably or getting your hand caught in the cookie jar. Just like us.

See, Russia? We're not so different from you. Can't we just be friends, again? Here, let's share a Pepsi. No dioxin, I promise.