Monday, October 29, 2007

Devil Resigns from Bush Administration

This weekend, as I drafted the agenda and rhetoric for the upcoming campaign of utter destruction against the country formerly known as Persia, I had the epiphanic realization that I can no longer in good conscience be a part of this diabolical plan. I realized that the death machine of hubris and hegemony must be dismantled. To that end, I understood that I must remove myself and my support from this stupefying symphony of lies and obfuscation.

With the clarity of humility, for the realization of a long history of wrongdoing, and from the guilt for my own actions against the great and honor-driven country of the United States and the people of the world, I humbly resign my position in this adminsitration, effective immediately. I intend to dedicate the remainder of my life to charitable causes, serving the poor and disenfranchised, and feeding the hungry.

It is with heartfelt remorse for my past actions that I make this announcement. And before the people of America, God, and all the fallen innocents, I throw myself at the mercy of this generation and those to follow.

May God have mercy on my soul.

Devil Resigns from Bush Administration

Thursday, October 25, 2007

What Would You Chuck in Your Huck?

Have you seen the Huckabee Messenger Bag? It's one of the weirdest campaign tchotchkes around.

This is the description from the Mike Huckabee campaign store (emphasis added):

From school, to carrying your laptop, to a hip alternative diaper bag, our versatile, spacious messenger bag is practically all you need to get you through every stage of your life – and look hip doing it.

So, who's voting for Huck? Teenagers? Incontinent punk rockers? It's clear from this copy that Huckabee wants to attract the "hip," but unfortunately has no clue as to how to go about doing thusly.

It does have a convenient front that flip-flops quickly whenever you bring up the subject of abortion rights. And it's great for carrying around your copy of the American Constitution, should any of you Republicans run out of diapers and need something else to soil. Larry Craig supporters will be happy to know that the front panel has a zipper compartment.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Riu-Giu Hires, Defends Young Genital Enthusiast

TP’s favorite cross-dressing swinger who also wants to nuke Iran, Rudy Giuliani, hired a priest in his organization in 2002, two months after the priest was accused of molesting an altar boy and relieved of his duties by the Catholic Church. I’m all for the presumption of innocence, but let’s face it, the Catholic Church doesn’t exactly take swift action in molestation cases. And, oh yeah, a grand jury has linked Placa to numerous instances of sexual abuse. According to ABC News, protesters are already lining up at Riu-Giu rallies.

The priest, Monsignor Alan Placa, also presided over one of Riu-Giu’s many weddings, this time to Donna Hanover.

Riu-Giu has this to say about his strange bedfellow, somehow defending him while comparing him to the worst people in our society:

"I know the man; I know who he is, so I support him," Giuliani said. "We give some of the worst people in our society the presumption of innocence and benefit of the doubt," he said. "And, of course, I'm going to give that to one of my closest friends."
That’s setting the bar pretty low. Surprisingly, Placa’s alleged victim feels differently:

"This man did unjust things, and he's being protected and employed and taken care of. It's not a good thing," said one of the accusers, Richard Tollner, who says Placa molested him repeatedly when he was a student at a Long Island, N.Y. Catholic boys high school in 1975.

But isn’t Riu-Giu just keeping an open mind about a friend? You know, like Republicans often do, with say, Al Gonzales? It’s a long shot. A grand jury is already investigating the case of a “Priest F,” that several sources say is Placa.

The grand jury report concluded that a Priest F, who Tollner says is Placa, abused the boys sexually "again and again and again."

"Priest F was cautious, but relentless in his pursuit of victims. He fondled boys over their clothes, usually in his office," the report said. Unfortunately, Placa cannot be prosecuted because the statute of limitations had expired.

So, I would like to offer a plea to Republicans – although my prior pleas for peace, justice and respect for the Constitution were completely ignored.

Republicans: please, just keep your hands to yourself. I don’t care that most of you are gay. I’ll even come to your gay wedding and bring a lovely “His and His,” red elephant bath towel set. I just don’t want you peeping in my bathroom stalls, sending teenage pages lusty emails, visiting the same gay prostitutes you publicly persecute and above all, do not rub my genitals. Thank you.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

600th Post and Still No Guffaws

Turner/Phelps celebrates our 600th blog post with other noteworthy numbers.

George Bush's IQ. Job options: "Slow, simple, supervised."

Percent of Bush's service-age children NOT fighting for our freedom in Iraq.

Number of Nobel Peace Prizes George Bush is expected to win in this life (and future lives).

Number of US casualties in Iraq as of today.

Number of Americans who should hold Dubya and his roundtable of anti-American cronies personally and financially responsible for each and every casualty noted above.

Number of Bush Era Bumper Stickers & T-Shirt slogans I could find.
(From an e-mail recently recirculated)
  1. (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.
  2. 1/20/09: End of an Error
  3. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
  4. Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
  5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
  6. You Can't Be Pro-War and Pro-Life At the Same Time
  7. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
  8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
  9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have To Fight
  10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
  11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
  12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
  13. Which God Do You Kill For?
  14. Jail to the Chief
  15. Who Would Jesus Torture?
  16. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?
  17. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is full of Crap
  18. Bad president! No Banana.
  19. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
  20. We're Making Enemies Faster than We Can Kill Them
  21. Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood
  22. Is It Vietnam Yet?
  23. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
  24. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
  25. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
  26. Impeach Cheney First
  27. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
  28. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
  29. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
  30. 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified

Monday, October 22, 2007

Cheney calls U.S. an obstacle to peace

Vice President Dick Cheney on Sunday described the United States as an obstacle to peace in the Middle East and said the world could not stand by and allow it to threaten a nuclear weapon attack.

Cheney's comments underscored a ratcheting up of rhetoric toward the U.S. and came just days after President George W. Bush warned that a nuclear-armed U.S. could lead to World War Three.

[Opposite Day on Turner/Phelps]

Friday, October 12, 2007

Super Gay Recipes from Larry Craig

If you haven’t heard this, it is fantastic. Larry Craig submitted this recipe for the “Super Tuber” to the “Congress Cooks,” charity cookbook. I’m not making this up – I’m not that funny. Here is my favorite section of the recipe:

Wash and dry potato. Rub with shortening or butter. With an apple corer or small knife, core out the potato center (end to end). Push hot dog through the center. Bake until potato is cooked through.
To make a Super Duper Tuber, the hot dog needs to tap its foot, wave its hand under the stall door, and then after violating the potato, vote against gay civil rights legislation.

Democrats Conquer Peace

Al Gore just won the Nobel Peace Prize. That puts the Dems up two (Gore and Carter) to one over the Republicans (Teddy Roosevelt). Republicans, why do you hate Peace?

A dramatic 100% lead. It’s clear that the Dems are tough on Peace. We kicked Peace’s ass. We’ve taken Peace prisoner , held her hostage and learned her state secrets. We invaded and occupied Peace to make it a cornerstone of democratic stability in the turbulent Virtue Triangle. Charity and Hope, you’re next, suckers. We will bring stability to the region.

I know what you’re thinking, that we used mercenary third-party contractors ( the U.N. Climate Panel) who aren’t under the same scrutiny that the Government is under. But the truth is, the Republicans are total sissies when it comes to confronting Peace like a real man (e.g., Al Gore). And guess what? After we finished our invasion of Peace, Peace still had electricity.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Republicans All Want to Be Like Reagan

I want you to look at this picture of Ronald Reagan. What do you feel when you look at it? I feel pretty good about America when I see it. I feel a little nostalgic for the era -- mostly for listening to The Cure and playing Intellivision -- but nostalgic nonetheless. Reagan had a way of capturing what is right with America in a single photo op, almost as if the presidency had been arranged by Warner Brothers central casting.

What was really going on around the time of this photo? The rich got richer on the backs of the middle-class. We sold arms to Iran – Iran, people – and used that money to circumvent congress in funding an illegal war. We ignored the nation’s healthcare and infrastructure and saddled my generation with a debt so large it took Clinton’s enormous brain seven years to get it straightened out.

When you hear the Republican candidates from Riu-Giu, to Mitt-Flip-Flop Romney, to John “I’d only vote for a Christian” McCain, to Fred “I can look as good as Reagan on TV” Thompson, begging for Reagan comparisons, I want you to think about the disasters of every Republican administration since Hoover. Every Republican administration in the last 80 years has featured corruption-through-cronyism, laughingly naïve economic theory and failed foreign policy.

Hoover: watched as his evil-minded cronies worsened the great depression, ran up the national debt and failed to get involved in the Eurpean facism crisis.

Eisenhower: Dubbed the “do-nothing” President, his cabinet of cronies was called “eight millionaires and a plumber,” describing his one liberal friend. Despite doing nothing, had the good fortune to preside over the post-WWII economic boom. His few hours off of the golf course were spent siding with Southern bigots against civil rights.

Nixon: The second most corrupt president, after George W. Bush.

Reagan-Bush: See above.

W: 33% percent and dropping. Mission accomplished.

Why in the world are there still Republicans in the U.S? How many failures of thought and conscience is one party allowed? When you hear Republican candidates say they're just like Reagan or are proud to be a Republican, I want you to think of three things: cronyism at your expense, economic disaster and continued disgrace on the international stage.

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