Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Who Said It? McCain, Putin or a Crazy Homeless Guy?

Working downtown gives me plenty of access to crazy homeless people who say a variety of witty things to me as I pass them on the street. That gave me a great idea for a new game – so gather your friends, come one, come all. Turner Phelps presents: Who Said It? McCain, Putin or a Crazy Homeless Guy? You may have seen the game in the "Seen on TV" stores under the name, Who is More Insane: McCain, Putin or a Crazy Homeless Guy?

Quiz: your job is to determine who said each of the following quotes, John McCain, former KGB spy Vladmir Putin or a Crazy Homeless Guy.

1. "We have a lot of work to do. It's a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border." --referring to a border that doesn't exist.

2. "Holy S**t she's a real bitch." – referring to Hillary Clinton.

3. "I was concerned about a couple of steps that the Russian government took in the last several days. One was reducing the energy supplies to Czechoslovakia." --referring to, um, Czechoslovakia, which is, um, no longer a country.

4. ''Terrorism has once again shown it is prepared deliberately to stop at nothing in creating human victims. An end must be put to this. As never before, it is vital to unite forces of the entire world community against terror. ''

5. "F**k you! I know more about this than anyone else in the room."

6. "Make it a hundred...That would be fine with me." –answering the question of if he agreed with Bush's plan to keep U.S. troops in Iraq for 50 years.

7. "You can suck on this, Mr. Starbucks."

8. "I can only feel joy the American people made the most sensible decision." – Referring to Bush's 2004 reelection

9. "I am an illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all of the assistance I can get."

10. "You're a f***ing queer in those shiny shoes, pretty boy."

11. "The issue of economics is not something I've understood as well as I should."

12. "No references to the need to fight terror can be an argument for restricting human rights."

13. "No, I'm calling you a f*cking jerk."

14. "Only an a**hole would put together a budget like this ... I wouldn't call you an a**hole unless you really were an a**hole."

15. "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you c*nt."


1. McCain

2. Crazy Homeless Guy

3. McCain

4. Putin

5. McCain to Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) during an argument on immigration legislation

6. McCain

7. Crazy Homeless Guy

8. Putin

9. McCain after being asked whether us uses a Mac or a PC

10. Crazy Homeless Guy

11. McCain

12. Putin

13. McCain to Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley, after Grassley asked "Are you calling me stupid?"

14. McCain to Budget Committee Chairman and fellow Republican Sen. Pete Domenici, during a budget hearing

15. McCain to his wife, Cindy, after she patted his head and said "You're getting a little thin up there," according to the book The Real McCain, by Cliff Schecter.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

McCain Nicknames

I find it frightening to discuss Republican politicians and so I like to use silly nicknames instead of their real names. It helps keep images of mushroom clouds and five-dollar gallons of gas out of my nightmares. For example, I like to call Rudy Giuliani "Ru-Giu" because it calls to mind his habit of cross-dressing on national television. I prefer to call Dick Cheney "that creepy troll," although lower-case "dick," works, too. But, I'm having trouble coming up with a nickname that I want to use for John McCain. I thought I'd ask all seven readers of TurnerPhelps to help out.

Here are the one's I'm considering.

McSame or McBush: because it would be like the next four years of the current administration.

McCane, McLame or McMusil: because he's 127 years old.

McDrain: because a McCain administration would put the final stake in the heart of your childrens' hopes for the future.

McChurian: because he's already lied about his time as a POW, what else is he lying about?

McTaint, McCaca or McPoop: because I have the mind of a nine-year-old and I always laugh at the word "taint."

McStain: because he built his post-Keating scandal reputation on campaign finance reform and then hired lobbyists to work for his campaign.

McHuffy, McCrazy: because of his infamous temper.

Sen. Stevens Threatens to "Kick Some Fed Ass"

Don't be thrown by the liver spots.

Despite his frail 84-year old body and grandfatherly demeanor, Senator Stevens proved he's still full of piss and vinegar this weekend when federal investigators indicted him for corruption, lying, and geriatric surliness. After dislocating one agent's shoulder like Yoda on Red Bull, he garroted another with the investigator's own tie before being brought down with tazers and bear tranquilizers.

Unlike most disgraced Republicans, Stevens confidently wouldn't go without a fight, despite the eye witness testimony and mountain of evidence against him.

DC insiders say that he drinks from the same unholy fountain of youth that kept Strom Thurmon climbing the capital steps and having adulterous sex with "colored folks" well into his 90's. The fountain is purportedly hidden beneath the lowest chambers of Smithsonian Institution, and is guarded by Doris Kearnes Goodwin, an ancient Egyptian sphinx of immeasurable knowledge and cunning.

Friday, July 25, 2008

10 Radical PR Maneuvers to Polish Bush’s Image

Sure, he’s a lame-duck and largely irrelevant. Sure, he’s bungled anything important to true Americans (the economy, oil prices, the environment, civil liberties, privacy, national debt, the hunt for bin Laden, the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt). He might even be the worst president in the history of the United States. Yet, with a few carefully planned public relations moves, George Bush could still salvage his image for the history books. Here’s my suggested playbook:

1. Shoot Dick Cheney in the face during a hunting incident. There are less violent ways to demonstrate his independence from that creepy troll, such as giving a speech while Cheney is drinking a glass of water, but I think shooting him in the face says it all with a sense of comic irony that historians would appreciate.

2. When asked about the failing banks and plummeting stock market, say, “at least I didn’t succeed in privatizing Social Security. Score one for number 43.

3. Start wearing an Obama for Change t-shirt during his morning jogs.

4. Fall off the wagon and get really high on cocaine, drive around Los Angeles without wearing his panties, spend a month in jail, get out, declare himself a changed man, adopt 12 orphans from under-industrialized countries, write a book, marry George Takei and cry about his failures on Oprah.

5. Drop the hunt for bin Laden – find Pauly Shore.

6. Star in a sequel to the movie Twins with Dennis Kucinich.

7. Give his entire presidential salary since 2000 to promoting universal health care and state, “I’m sorry, Americans really deserve to get their money back.”

8. Appear on Celebrity Family Feud facing the Clintons. There is no hope that the Bushes would win, -- having no clue about what Americans think about anything -- but watching Al Roker kiss a retarded monkey would really be good for ratings.

9. Play drums in a vanity side-project with Jack White.

10. Broadcast his next press conference from his bedroom where Bush will wake up next to Suzanne Pleshette and declare that the last seven years were all a bad dream.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

25,000 Iraqis coming to the U.S., but I can't cash a check?

All you have to do is listen to McCaine, or Fox News, or that recording on the PA system at the airport and it's pretty clear that we're currently at a heightened level of security in this country. They say that terrorists are everywhere, determined to destroy us and our way of life. And yet, our government is letting 25 THOUSAND Iraqis* into the U.S. on permanent visas.

I don't get it.

So what if they worked for the U.S. in Iraq? Don't we want the people who have some vested interest in us being there to stay there? If they were upstanding, honest, non-insurgent enough to work for us, they should stay. They should be the people who "stand up when we stand down" as our president put it.

But they say they fear for their lives. Exactly. Those are the people we want staying there to keep up the fight against the insurgents and present a rational defense against the Muqtada al-Sadrs and Shia theocrats of the region.

And what about our security? If even one out of every 250 of the Iraqis we let into the country harbor ill will against us (and I think it would be higher, regardless of us letting them move here, considering all the civilians we've killed over there), that means we're opening our doors to at least 100 potential terrorists.

I buy lotto tickets for a group of co-workers every week. Today, I tried to cash a $10 check from one of my lotto pals, but since I don't have an account with Wells Fargo (the check's bank) I couldn't use the drive-through. I had to walk into the bank lobby, present TWO forms of ID, and let them fingerprint me! All for the sake of heightened security. I'm not joking. It's total BS.

*5,000 per year for 5 years.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Marine Corps: Killbots Selling Themselves as Racist Murderers

While driving to Boulder last weekend I was passed by a pickup truck sporting a humorous bumper sticker. It read, "US Marines: Travel Agents to Allah."

Thinking about it, this wasn't so funny.

First off, what was it saying? Second, what wasn't it saying?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Turner/Phelps caught in a lie

The editors at T-P would like to apologize for the 7/14/08 post that inaccurately stated that Phelps was born on July 14th.

The truth of the matter is that Phelps was born on July 15, and doesn't like to be reminded that he shares a birthday with Jan Michael-Vincent.

Worse than that, being an atheist, Phelps dislikes the fact that his birthday falls on
Saint Swithun's Day and is usually followed by 40 days and 40 nights of rain. At least in Winchester.

He apologized with contrition for the remarks he made in the blog and out of the blog.

(He thought the microphone was off.)

Monday, July 14, 2008

Phelps: an old confederate reflects on the past

Forgive me for this grumpy post, but turning 103 today prompts me to look back on my long, painful life as an American icon (oclast) and vent a little about our woes of today.

Empirical expansion - When I was born, there were 45 stars on the flag. We didn't need anymore then, and we don't need anymore now. In fact, with the admission of Wisconsin in 1848, we had all the states we would ever need and they fit nicely east of the Missouri and Mississippi Rivers. Sure, stopping the republic's expansion westward would have meant that Mexico would benefit from California's gold rush and the Texas oil boom, but that would just have ushered them into super power economic status along with us and we wouldn't be having the illegal immigration troubles we're having today by sharing a border with a third world nation. Plus, the Mormons would have been their problem in Utah, along with the injuns.

Whiny mama's boys - Those Republicans who bitch and moan about the Democrats wanting to limit free markets tend to forget their very own Herbert Hoover and how he fixed world wheat prices. Ol' Grandpappy Phelps, who liked to call him Her-Butt Heiffer, lost everything to the dusters of '32 because of Whitehouse market interference and the government-sponsored programs of the late 1920's that stole land from the Cherokee and tricked people into disastrously over-farming the High Plains. If it weren't for Prohibition and Grandpappy's unmatched skill with a corn mash still, we Phelpses would have resorted to horse theivery and land-grabbing oil scams like the Nebraska Cheneys we drove north into Wyoming. The point is, there's no such thing as a free market. The only thing in the market that the Republicans want to be free is the corporations' scott when cheating the workers out of rights and benefits, as in, "they want to get off scott-free when they're caught lying, cheating, killing, or defrauding." When it serves their purpose, they maniplate the free market as much as the Democrats. But it's the Dems who get the bad rap for it because they do it to protect the public's pocketbook instead of doing it to protect the Wall Street fat cats.

Socialized medicine - What, some things are OK to socialize and some things aren't? In my day, we didn't have anything socialized. Not libraries, not police forces, and definitely not "fundamental services." If you wanted the local fire department to put water on your blazing hovel, you had to pay them to do it. Teachers' salaries funded by school district taxes? Bah! Every man's child took a nickel to school with him everyday to pay his teacher for his education in the 3 R's along with a hefty dose of corporal punishment, a Protestant-centric world view, and historical studies that were decidedly lacking in any mention of those continental land masses and cultures east of Poland,west of California, and south of the Equator. And we'd be grateful to offer to muck our teacher's horse stall or milk his dairy cow for him. Now the commie liberals are demanding socialized medicine. Well, I'm against it. Who cares that a few million dollars in tax-funded preventative care could save the public and insurance companies billions of dollars of treatment down the road? Somebody who hasn't paid into the system might use it, and we're better off not having a medical system that's free to the public than having to police the freeloaders or fraudsters that exist in the system anyway!

The trouble is today, nobody wears belts or boot straps. In my time we used them for everything that ailed us. Lost your job? Well, you just need to find a new one by lifting yourself up by the bootstraps! Have a bad year on the farm and can't feed your family? Well, just tighten those belts and work hard for next year! Lost your non-government insured life savings due to some New York banker's stock market speculation so you weren't able to move away from your drought-ruined farm or pay a doctor to cure your wife's cancer? Well, just braid those bootstraps and belt into a sturdy rope and hang yourself from the rafters. It's called "taking responsibility for your lot in life." We had to do it in my day, and we should expect the young-uns of today to have to do it, too.

And a good old-fashioned switching behind the wood shack never hurt anyone.

Monday, July 07, 2008

More on Bush's Book

If Bush wrote a memoir, what would he include? Why he was indecisive during the 9/11 attacks? Why he was ultra-decisive during the build-up to the Iraq invasion? Why he was uninvolved during the Katrina disaster? Why he was overly-involved in the gay marriage debate? Why he said that anyone in the White House who participated in the Valerie Plame leak would be fired, then failed to follow-through with that promise?

We know he has a proven track record of keeping tight-lipped regarding the decision making processes in his administration (besides his mantra that he is the decision maker). So should we expect much in the way of enlightenment from his personal memoir, or will it just be a lot incomplete sentences, poorly constructed thoughts, and unfinished, misapplied colloquialisms?

Besides, if he is completely comfortable lying to us on camera or in townhall meetings, I'm sure he's completely comfortable lying to us in print.

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