10 Radical PR Maneuvers to Polish Bush’s Image

Sure, he’s a lame-duck and largely irrelevant. Sure, he’s bungled anything important to true Americans (the economy, oil prices, the environment, civil liberties, privacy, national debt, the hunt for bin Laden, the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt). He might even be the worst president in the history of the United States. Yet, with a few carefully planned public relations moves, George Bush could still salvage his image for the history books. Here’s my suggested playbook:

1. Shoot Dick Cheney in the face during a hunting incident. There are less violent ways to demonstrate his independence from that creepy troll, such as giving a speech while Cheney is drinking a glass of water, but I think shooting him in the face says it all with a sense of comic irony that historians would appreciate.

2. When asked about the failing banks and plummeting stock market, say, “at least I didn’t succeed in privatizing Social Security. Score one for number 43.

3. Start wearing an Obama for Change t-shirt during his morning jogs.

4. Fall off the wagon and get really high on cocaine, drive around Los Angeles without wearing his panties, spend a month in jail, get out, declare himself a changed man, adopt 12 orphans from under-industrialized countries, write a book, marry George Takei and cry about his failures on Oprah.

5. Drop the hunt for bin Laden – find Pauly Shore.

6. Star in a sequel to the movie Twins with Dennis Kucinich.

7. Give his entire presidential salary since 2000 to promoting universal health care and state, “I’m sorry, Americans really deserve to get their money back.”

8. Appear on Celebrity Family Feud facing the Clintons. There is no hope that the Bushes would win, -- having no clue about what Americans think about anything -- but watching Al Roker kiss a retarded monkey would really be good for ratings.

9. Play drums in a vanity side-project with Jack White.

10. Broadcast his next press conference from his bedroom where Bush will wake up next to Suzanne Pleshette and declare that the last seven years were all a bad dream.