Monday, July 30, 2007

Condie, Still Coming Down from Mideast Talks

After an extensive diplomatic mission in the Middle East, Condie Rice returned to DC "too wasted on the hash" for proper photo ops in the Rose garden, a white house insider told T/P, as can be seen by the dark sunglasses she wore Sunday to hide her bloodshot eyes. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an Afghani agricultural import/export minister and liason to the Egyptian consulate in Cairo said, "the secretary of state has a sweet tooth for the hooka pipe." With a smile he added, "once she's sucking that fine Kabul Krunk, you can get her to do anything, say anything, and sign anything."

While away, she authorized deals giving Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Isreal, Pakistan, The United Arab Emirates, and other "borderline" terrorist-supporting nations hundreds of billions of dollars in weapons, missiles and advanced technology, without the U.S. getting anything (like security) in return.

The realization that Condie has signed away nearly a third of the department of defense's 2008 weapons budget elicited this response from President Bush: "Can I get some of that Kabul Krunk?"

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Gonzales Turns Table on Sneering Senators

Monday, July 23, 2007

Gonzales Chants: Hell No, I Won't Go!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

U.S. Silent on 3rd Term Hooplah for Dubya

At the end George Washington's second term as President of the United States, he declined to run for a third term and set a precedent for his successors. That long-standing tradition of limiting presidential service to two terms was broken by FDR (who died while serving in his fourth). His run on the White House prompted the Twenty-Second Amendment to the Constitution, which legally sets the limit at two.
  • At the end of Washington's second term, there was much hooplah and public support for him running for a third term.
  • At the end of Roosevelt's second term, there was much hooplah and public support for him running for a third term.
  • At the end of Reagan's second term, there was much hooplah and public support for overturning the 22nd Amendment and having him run for a third term.
  • At the end of Clinton's second term, there was much hooplah and public support for overturning the 22nd Amendment and having him run for a third term.
And as we come to the end of GW Bush's second term as president, the air is stagnant with a crushing silence...

Monday, July 16, 2007

Japanese Nuclear Plant Leaks Radioactive Water

Chinese Food Manufacturer Bottles it and Sells to U.S.

The world's largest nuclear plant in, Kashiwazaki, Japan, leaked radioactive water into a local river after a large earthquake this morning. A fire at the plant also broke out.

China's Department of Happy Go Time Easily Comprimised International Manufacturers of Lucky Greed and Fortune was first to respond, sending a team of hazardous waste technicians to Kashiwazaki, where they collected samples from the water and riverbank. After sampling nearly three tons of radioactive material, they promptly canned the sludge, labelled it "Hot" and began selling it to big box American discount stores as a new energy drink.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Some Monsters JUST WON'T DIE

Like Dick Cheney's inhuman heart.
Or Paris Hilton's insatiable tapeworm.
Or the Finnish "monster rock" band, Lordi.

Yes, Lordi. As in Mr. Lordi (how's that for a lead singer's name?) We introduced you to the hard rockin', latex wearin', guitar shreddin', mythos mixin' monsters of Finland back in May of '06. Now they're in the news again. This time announcing the horror movie they're in. Slated for a 2008 release, with principle filming wrapping in two weeks, it's sure to be as scary, imaginative and clever as their monstrously sophomoric monster biographies.

Frightening. Occasionally, Lordi dons a silly hat to really put the fear of Monster Island into the audience. It's most effective when he surrounds himself with hellish stage lights and demonic rigging.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Scientists find endangered monkey in Vietnam

...and promptly eat its brain.

Mmmmm... that's good monkey brain.

Actual story.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Libby Spared Federal Salad Tossing

That ain't Grecian formula dripping off Scooter's head, folks.

That's presidential rectal oil.

Who didn't see this coming?

Hurricane Fred Fast Approaching

It has begun. I saw a "Fred Thompson for President" bumper sticker yesterday in the parking lot of The Hungry Bear (Woodland Park, CO), where I was enjoying a plate of perhaps the second best biscuits and gravy on the Front Range.

The RNC thinks he's on his way to save their sorry asses. Good luck. I think America's interest in him will be a passing fancy, unless there's some domestic terrorist activity or international threat right before the primary. All the other Republican candidates who've announced their candidacy or not, except maybe Joe Leiberman, are going to genuflect before him and vie to be his running mate.

Careful, boys. Fred don't partner up with no sissy Jims.

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