Thursday, February 17, 2005

Bush to Name and Nick-name Intelligence Director

WASHINGTON (AP) - President Bush is naming the nation's first national intelligence director, the powerful overseer of 15 separate intelligence agencies including the CIA.

He was to reveal his choice at a White House ceremony Thursday, then immediately follow the naming with a formal Presidential nick-naming.

Among those thought to be in the running and their GW nom de Bush are:

White House homeland security adviser Fran Townsend, Kookla Fran Frannie
Army Gen. (retired) Tommy Franks, Toot-toot Tommy or Tommy "Ballpark" Franks
National Security Agency head Lt. Gen. Michael Hayden, Hey Hey Hayden
and CIA Director Porter Goss, Porta-potty Porter

----- UPDATE -----
WASHINGTON (AP) - President Bush named John Negroponte, the U.S. ambassador to Iraq, as the government's first national intelligence director Thursday, turning to a veteran diplomat to revive a spy community besieged by criticism after the Sept. 11 attacks.
A total surpise to me. Bush nicknamed the new Intelligence Director, Johnny-Boy, after his advisers warned him to steer clear of any nicknames involving Negroponte's last name.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Don't tell the truth

For those roughly 20 million or so residents of the state of Texas who are looking to vacation in Colorado I have some friendly advice that could perhaps one day save your life, or tires. Here is the top ten list of things to do in Colorado while visiting from Texas:

10: If on the lift chair engaged in conversation, immediately refrain from normal "Texan" dialect, and adopt a nuetral language reminiscent of a computer speech synthesizer.
9: Don't say howdy, your tires will get slashed.
8: Remove Texas license plates, and put up replacement temporary tags made of construction paper and magic marker. It will save your tires from being slashed.
7: Drive normally on the roads, and obey the minimum speed limits. It will confuse native Coloradoans and delay the time that your tires get slashed.
6: Express disdain for Texans, especially on crowded days at the ski slopes. For extra help, denounce those from California. Hell, they elected Schwartzenegger didn't they?
5: Burn your Texas drivers license. When asked for ID at the bar or restaurant, exclaim that you lost it. It will save you from drinking real human urine and/or semen. Those Coloradoans can get really fussy.
4: Adopt a New England accent. It will give the locals something to demean when they think of the icy sleet snow that "you" are used to skiing on, and for a plus, it will keep your tires from getting slashed.
3: Never mention What-A-Burger and how much you miss the particular taste of french fries. Local Coloradoans will see this from a mile away. Instead, express your disdain for t-shirts and bumper stickers for the California restaurant chain In-n-Out.
2: Drink the Shiner Bock brand of beer in hidden dark spaces. When confronted with your choice of beer, state that you were confused, and that you thought it was Breckenridge Brewery beer.
1: Buy a Coors 2004 sticker. It will confuse the locals, and keep your tires from being slashed.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Rice Rips Iran

BRUSSELS, Belgium (AP) - Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said Wednesday that Iran cannot delay indefinitely accountability for a suspected nuclear weapons program, even as she said NATO should not play policeman to the world.

Of course NATO shouldn't pretend to be the world's policeman. That's a job for the United States. Or so it goes in George Bush's mind.

And as for Dr. Rice's statements about Iran's accountability for a suspected nuclear weapons program -- we know her track record on Middle Eastern countries and WMDs. Not a whole lot of credibility there for The Doctor.

Does anybody else feel a vague sense of deja-vu? Wasn't this what she was saying in the spring of 2003?

Monday, February 07, 2005

A Bold-Faced State of the Union Lie

The United States has no right, (TRUE)
no desire, (Somewhat TRUE)
and no intention (FALSE)
to impose our form of government on anyone else.

They whole-heartedly intend to impose our form of government (A Republic Democracy) on others. What he means in this statement, is that the method of practice, the way in which they perform their process of democracy (that we have imposed), will not be the same as the method in which we practice our own.

Ever wonder why Dick Cheney has Old Glory hanging behind his chair in the senate? It's so that he can wipe his ass with it whenever GW or his Halliburton cronies give him a big sloppy kiss.

A Show "for Us"

If you didn't stick around for Fox's animated sitcoms after the Super Bowl, you may have missed the premier/preview of "American Dad" which followed The Simpsons. Planned to be released in May or June I think, American Dad, takes great satirical jabs at the over-zealous, ultra-right administration and CIA's pervasive interference in all things political.

When I first started watching it, I thought, "Here we go again, another lame animated series by the talentless hacks that brought us The Family Guy." Much to my surprise, midway through the show I found myself laughing outloud at the little gags:
  • Roger, the E.T. who lives with the family a-la Alf, sounds suspiciously like the late great Paul Lynde (Uncle Arthur on Bewitched).
  • George Bush gets a phonecall from God, asking the Presidnet not to keep mentioning their relationship. The conversation is interrrupted when God's call-waiting chimes in, and God says it's Dick Cheney and he has to take it. When he dismisses the President and switches to the other call, God says, "yes, sir?"
  • They have a goldfish with the brain of a German (Steve, the lead character, had the fish's brain switched with a German olympic skier, to keep America from losing a medal), and the German/fish has the hots for the family's mother (nuzzling her bossom and glancing up her dress whenever he gets the chance).
  • When Steve (the psycho CIA agent father) hears a noise in the middle of the night, he grabs his gun and sneaks downstairs, then whispers, "Osama? Is that you?"
If the regular season of this new show is as funny as this premier/pilot/preview, we're in for a Summer of laughs at George Bush and the Neo-Cons' expense.

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