Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Don't tell the truth

For those roughly 20 million or so residents of the state of Texas who are looking to vacation in Colorado I have some friendly advice that could perhaps one day save your life, or tires. Here is the top ten list of things to do in Colorado while visiting from Texas:

10: If on the lift chair engaged in conversation, immediately refrain from normal "Texan" dialect, and adopt a nuetral language reminiscent of a computer speech synthesizer.
9: Don't say howdy, your tires will get slashed.
8: Remove Texas license plates, and put up replacement temporary tags made of construction paper and magic marker. It will save your tires from being slashed.
7: Drive normally on the roads, and obey the minimum speed limits. It will confuse native Coloradoans and delay the time that your tires get slashed.
6: Express disdain for Texans, especially on crowded days at the ski slopes. For extra help, denounce those from California. Hell, they elected Schwartzenegger didn't they?
5: Burn your Texas drivers license. When asked for ID at the bar or restaurant, exclaim that you lost it. It will save you from drinking real human urine and/or semen. Those Coloradoans can get really fussy.
4: Adopt a New England accent. It will give the locals something to demean when they think of the icy sleet snow that "you" are used to skiing on, and for a plus, it will keep your tires from getting slashed.
3: Never mention What-A-Burger and how much you miss the particular taste of french fries. Local Coloradoans will see this from a mile away. Instead, express your disdain for t-shirts and bumper stickers for the California restaurant chain In-n-Out.
2: Drink the Shiner Bock brand of beer in hidden dark spaces. When confronted with your choice of beer, state that you were confused, and that you thought it was Breckenridge Brewery beer.
1: Buy a Coors 2004 sticker. It will confuse the locals, and keep your tires from being slashed.


Blogger Phelps said...

Ha ha ha ha! Who knows the Whataburger jingle?

What a burger,
Just what a burger should be!
The unbeatable,
Bigger better burger,

8:10 AM  

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