Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Bush installs Gitmo piranha pool

President Bush rolled out his plan for new interrogation techniques this week to his joint chiefs of staff for review. Insiders say the list includes at least three of the following:
  • A pool of piranhas where detainees will be forced to swim and bathe
  • A large glass enclosure in which guards can throw snakes at detainees
  • An old trailer used for transporting circus animals as new solitary "hot box"
  • A three hour interview by Larry King in a speedo

When questioned by the chiefs regarding the similarity between the president's plan and breaking news about a Southern Italian circus that was forcing two teenage Bulgarian sisters to swim in a pool of deadly piranhas, the Whitehouse said any connection was purely coincidental.

Lt. General Michael Poppinghaus, of the U.S. Coast Guard, pointed out that President Bush had scrawled a reminder to himself across the last page of the briefing that said, "Bail-out Sicilian circus guys/hire them at Gitmo."

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Predictions: Cheney's Ultimate Sacrifice

Cheney is on his way to the Middle East to show support for the troops and to further America's cause in Iraq, Afghanistan, and against Iran. Could it be a plan of his to perform the ultimate sacrifice while there in order to bolster public support for the West's continued military presence in the region? Maybe they've given him only a few months to live (after his recent cardiac tests) and he's decided to take the warrior's path out?

Oh, wait. This is Cheney we're talking about. Never mind. He'll outlive us all, or if he does go anytime soon, it will be from injuries suffered from falling off the giant mountain of money he sleeps on every night.


Monday, March 10, 2008

Spitzer will go down (that's what she said)

The Sheriff of Wallstreet, it seems, was caught tipping the saloon girls upstairs. Details are forthcoming, but our sources say that after building a long reputation as the bulldog who is hard on organized crime's prostitution rings, Democratic Governor of NY Eliot Spitzer has been humping the hand that feeds.

Spokespersons for the Spitzer Space Telescope had no comment.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Predictions: Bush League for Condie Rice

Before Bush's term is up, I'm certain a member of his inner circle will jump ship. Since Dr. Rice and the Dark Lord of Summer Sausage are the only two remaining from his original band of evil henchmen, it's a coin toss between the two of them. My guess: Condie will fly the coop first.

Her explanation: she served her country and president well these past seven plus years and felt the time was right to pursue opportunities in the private sector.

Their real excuse: It will make room for another RNC Bush crony to serve, for just a few months, as Secretary of State, which looks really nice on the old resumé.

Cheney can't afford to leave office before Bush, lest George undo all the evil machinations Dick has set in motion these glorious seven years with the slip of his tongue or ill-advised stroke of the magically all powerful presidential fountain pen.

Do you have a Bush League Prediction?


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