Monday, July 31, 2006

The Scourge of Arial

Is Arial the Bruce Springsteen to Helvetica's John Mellencamp? Is Arial the Paula Abdul to Helvetica's Ed McMahon? Is Arial the George W. Bush to Helvetica's Wm. J. Clinton? Is Arial a blind, scabby monkey plucking an out-of-tune two-string banjo while Helvetica struggles in obscurity creating beautiful masterpieces?

Probably not, but you might want to read The Scourge of Arial if you're a design wonk.

Composting for Republicans

So you’re a conservative neo-con who is suddenly feeling guilty about the environment? Don’t give up that gas-guzzling Hummer – your fossil fuel consumption is helping to protect democracy! Instead, take up composting. Here are some composting tips for Republicans.

As a Republican, you’re used to spreading manure (or shoveling s*** as we, the proletariat like to say). But instead of repeating the corrupting lies of the Bush administration, you will need to actually buy a shovel to distribute the decaying matter. May I also suggest hiring an illegal alien to help with the heavy lifting?

The Bill of Rights makes excellent composting material and it has already shown signs of decomposition. While you’re at it, toss in the entire Constitution. Democracy is such an outdated idea in this Fox “News” world. Besides, you can always get a new door mat to wipe your feet on.

Some people are worried about the smell of their compost pile. Just tell them you had Karl Rove over for dinner and ran out of Febreze.

You may have recently asked yourself, “all I hear about these days is Lebanon – did the war in Iraq mysteriously disappear?” The media is controlled by right-wing fat-cats, who are also excellent composters. Many have mulched their stories of American wounded and miserable failure and piled it on the beautiful blooms of Mid-East unease. And just in time for mid-term elections – hooray for Summer!

Some have asked me what type of gloves they should wear while composting. My typical answer is, “what are you, some sort of gay marriage advocate?”

Another question from Phoebe of Des Moines: I have a hole in my lawn the size of the hole in Dick Cheney’s soul – will composting help? Answer: This is a trick question. First, that’s a big hole. You might consider building a swimming pool instead. Second, Cheney’s soul is itself a black hole of anti-matter. There isn’t enough excrement in the universe to satisfy its hunger. So, no, you cannot fix it with compost.

Britain Launches U.S.-style Terror Alerts...

...meaning it will be confusing and inefffective.

I think the ideal color-coded terror alert system should depict colors that mean something to the collective psyche and instruct the populace what to do next.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Bass Beats Fat One to Punch

Lance Bass of 'N Sync has announced to the world through People magazine that he's gay, surprising the world not at all. The less-than-earth shattering news (only slightly less expected than Donald Rumsfeld announcing that he likes to run over dogs with his car) overshadowed another of his band members' public outing.

Joey Fatone of 'N Sync announced this week to Twisted Catholic Times that he is also gay, sort of.

He likes having sex with dead popes.

His condition, known as necropapaphilia, although rare, is shared by several famous people throughout history, including chairman Mao Tse Tung, Catherine the Great, and Benjamin Franklin (the founder of the American Necropapaphilia Masonic Temple).

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Ticket to Ride for New Transportation Secretary

The White House is searching frantically for a new Secretary of Transportation, but is having trouble finding someone as deep in the pockets of big airlines, railroad, and buslines as the former Secretary, Norman Mineta who left the office earlier this month.

The top prospect so far, suggested by the President himself, is Ms. Ada Quonsett, world famous airline stowaway and hobo. "This lady is a national treasure," the President confided this morning to the press corps. "I don't think there's another person with more knowledge of the inner workings of airlines, airports, and hobotowns than Miss Conquistador."

When asked about tighter security on airlines since 9/11, Ms. Quonsett responded, "I don't think it would be very good public relations for a big airline to prosecute a little old lady just because she wanted to visit her daughter!"

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Bush’s Rejected Nicknames for Dick Cheney

I just read somewhere that Shrub calls that sneering little troll “Big Time.” What the article didn’t point out was the long list of nicknames Bush tried for Cheney before settling on one that sounds kind of circus-like.

Bush’s rejected nicknames for Dick Cheney include:

My Lord
Little Dick
Burgermeister Meisterburger
Sweetie Pants
Pig Heart
Der Kommissar
The Ozone-n-Ator

Friday, July 21, 2006

Savage's True Colors: Red and Black not Red White and Blue

Last night on his radio show, hatemonger Mike Savage was venting about radical Muslims and the 'true enemy' of all free peoples: Muslim clerics. "They need to be removed" he said, or maybe "taken out" was the quote. I paraphrase. Either way, it was obvious that Mike was prescribing the extermination of Muslim clerics around the world. He didn't differentiate radical, fundamental, extremist, or Wahabist mullahs from moderate, peaceful, inclusive, or universalist clerics. He just said that 'all' the clerics are the enemy.

And then came the clincher. It was surreal, like watching a scene from "The Birth of a Nation" or reading a quote from The White Supremacist's Handbook. Savage actually described Muslim clerics as "little men with dirty beards." Honest to God, that's an exact quote.

Wait, that's not much of an insult. Doesn't sound like a big deal, does it? Just remember, that's the same language used by the the Nazis, the KKK and the White Brotherhood when describing orthodox Jewish men and rabbis.

Next thing you know, he'll borrow another euphemism from Josef Geobels and say that Muslims (and Arabs by association) are "subhuman".

Speaking of subhuman, I'd say this guy is just a few notches up from a club swinging Neanderthal, but that would be an insult to Neanderthals.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

How I Lost on Jeopardy

The Jeopardy “answer”: It’s the drainage from your nose largely made up of mucous and fluid.
My “question”: Who is Karl Rove?
The correct question: What is snot?

The answer: This cynical, bald man’s diabolical plans to rule the world make him the antithesis of “truth, justice and the American Way.”
My question: Who is Karl Rove?
The correct question: Who is Lex Luthor?

The answer: This disease is characterized by a progressive loss of vision.
My question: What is compassionate conservatism… no wait, who is Joe Lieberman?
The correct question: What is macular degeneration?

The answer: This lovable clown entertained us for years before becoming a target for verbal abuse from irrelevant bloggers and other children.
My question: Who is George W. Bush?
The correct question: Who is Bozo?

The answer: What yellow vegetation did George W. Bush mistake for “a banana tree.”
My question: Who is Dick Cheney?
The correct question: What is a chrysanthemum?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Why We Don't Write Greeting Cards

At one point I thought it would be a good idea for Phelps and I to go into the greeting card business. Phelps is a great illustrator and I have experience with greeting people at WalMart. The concept would’ve been greeting cards from you and someone famous – wink, wink, nudge, nudge. But alas, this is all I could come up with.

Outside: Sorry I stole the election…
Inside: …like you stole my heart. Happy Valentines Day, Love George “W” Bush

Outside: Why should I send you a crappy Mothers Day card?
Inside: You didn’t send me a card on Creepy Troll Day -- HHMMPHT! – Dick Cheney

Outside: If you were the New York Times…
Inside: I would let you leak my secret identity. Missing you – Clark Kent

Outside: Best wishes on overcoming multiple lacerations and the amputation of your left tibia.
Inside: Get well soon – and buy some body armor next time, you cheapskate. – Don Rumsfeld

Outside: Do you miss me like I miss you?
Inside: Do you even remember me? I’m TV funnyman Fred Travelena. Turner and Phelps hold me high as a god in the Greek pantheon. That should count for something. Are you going to finish that sandwich?

Outside: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Inside: When your party gives you a functionally retarded candidate who smells like Aqua Velva, make him the Leader of the Free World. Cheer up, there’s always a silver lining. – Karl Rove

They're No Radiohead

I know that I’m supposed to like the band Radiohead. All of my “smart” friends like Radiohead. I appreciate what Radiohead is doing for me and for world peace. But I have nearly zero emotional response to their music. Listening to Radiohead falls somewhere on the list between eating a grilled cheese sandwich and watching a gorilla undergo oral surgery. I’ll let you decide what order those items are in, but none are top ten. And listening to Radiohead falls way behind listening to…

The new Sexytime Explosion album!

Jackie O hasn’t commented here for a while, but then she hasn’t blogged on her own blog for almost as long as I was absent here. But she still rocks as this album proves. And she plays a mean Guitar Hero to boot.

Go buy this album now (scroll to the bottom of the page). I mean it. Grandma wants Sexytime Explosion for her birthday. And would Great Uncle Elbert look great in a Sexytime Explosion T-shirt? I know what you’re thinking, I shoulda’ been a merch…

Friday, July 14, 2006

Suadi Prince's House for Sale: Still Smells Like Goat Cheese

Saudi Prince Bandar bin Sultan of Saudi Arabia is selling his house in Aspen, Colorado. Reportedly the most expensive house in the United States and perhaps the world (hello, Buckingham Palace anyone??), the asking price for the "compound" is 135 million dollars.

"That's not chump change," said real estate agent Charles "Chip" Spiegelman of Redneck Realty in Summit County. "I've got flyers out all over town and even up in Leadville. I hope I get a nibble of that commission check."

When asked what the house was like, Chip went into real estate agent mode. "It's a spacious fifteen-bedroom modern," he said, "with a workable floorplan, eleven and a half bathrooms that would be great for large families, walking distance from award winning local schools, and plenty of room for weekend guests. There is one thing that might affect the asking price, the place kind of smells like barbequed goat and feta cheese."

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Making Your Progressive Speech Acceptable to the Masses

Lefties like me have a bad rep for “exaggerating” the excesses of the neo-con right. Apparently, our statements of fact less believable when shrouded in dark humor. Since we don’t want to seem gloomy, here is a primer for adding accuracy to your descriptions of the right.

Instead of saying: George Bush is an illiterate monkey
You should more accurately say: George Bush is a compassionate, illiterate monkey.

Instead of saying: Karl Rove is a greasy ball of snot…
You should more accurately say: Karl Rove is a treasonous mucous flinger.

Instead of saying: Bill O’Reilly is a lying sack of %*&!
You should more accurately say: Bill O’Reilly is one horny SOB

Instead of saying: Ann Coulter’s horse-like face should be muzzled with a feed bag stuffed with moldy corn
You should more accurately say: Ann Coulter is unpatriotic and ignorant

Instead of saying: Donald Rumsfeld is the fourth horseman of the apocalypse…
You should more accurately say: Donald Rumsfeld is to the impending apocalypse as beer is to a riot of soccer hoodlums.

Instead of saying: Dick Cheney is a squinty-eyed monster who ignores opinion polls
You should more accurately say: Dick Cheney reads opinion polls like he shoots guns – with his eyes closed.

Instead of saying: Colin Powell is a spineless tool
You should more accurately say: Colin Powell occasionally tells the truth.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

CNN Fails Miserably with Glenn Beck

After a hearty laugh tonight watching Stephen Colbert tumble, I jumped over to Headline news to see if anything interesting had been blown up somewhere around the world and accidentally caught ten seconds of Glenn Beck having an apopleptic tirade. Luckily, my thumb was near the OFF button and I cut the power to the TV before my IQ dropped below the point of being able to operate a remote.

It's as if genetic engineers combined the DNA of Howard Stern, Rush Limbaugh, Charles Grodin, and Lewis Black, then stripped all the meager talent, intelligence, and personal charisma from the unborn fetus, aborted it, and served it up on basic cable with a lousy makeup job. (The union foreman for local 367 of the Makeup Artists of America should pay a little visit backstage to Beck's show to make sure he didn't hire a one-armed chimp with Parkinson's disease to apply his pancake every night.)

The headline of this blog isn't very clever, but after my fleeting brush with brain sponge beck, it was all I could muster. These were the alternatives:

Monday, July 10, 2006

Estherdonna's Disposable Faith

Faith, like beauty, fades in the shallow, like so many blonde hairs that were once brown but are now gray beneath the artificial red.

The artist formerly known as Madonna has grown weary of her latest religion, the Jewish offshoot Kabbalah, according to the gossip rags. It seems her faith is taxing her husband's resolve, taxing her bank account, and making her children whine for Christmas presents (Mommydonna Dearest can't stand the constant high-pitched British-accented whining, and that's just from Guy Ritchie). Rumor has it that she might decide to even untie the red string she has tied around her wrist. If she does, what will she do when someone casts the Evil Eye her direction?

And what will her next religous incarnation be? Santeria? Mormonism? Jehovah's Witness? Scientology? The accountants for each of these cults are secretly lining up with outstreatched arms (more likely outstretched hands) to get a little Madonna marketing boost for their causes.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Sexy Army Recruitment Posters Pulled from College Campuses

On the heels of four more U.S. soldiers being charged with the rape and murder of an Iraqi teenage girl, the Whitehouse announced that it has ordered the retraction of it's latest recruitment posters and is returning to the "Army of One" campaign.

The newer failed campaign was rolled out to college campuses since the Spring of 2005 and was aimed at 18 to 22-year-old college fraternity members and athletes. A spokesperson for the Army admitted that it was a desparate attempt by the Pentagon to boost its flagging recruitment numbers. "We didn't care who signed up," the spokesperson said on condition of anonymity, "we just wanted to fill those boot camp rosters. And this seemed like the best way to get volunteers."

All of the posters depicted attractive, scantily clad Arab women, and carried suggestive taglines such as, "I want You in the U.S. Army (and in me)," "Please Liberate Me," and the most popular on campus, "Join the Army and tap some sweet raghead ass."

One note of interest: during this campaign, the Coast Guard and Air Force's female enrollment experienced sharp upward spikes.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

God Answers Prayers by Killing Ken Lay

Yahweh El Shadai abu Jesus, undisputed deliverer of cosmic justice, answered the prayers of thousands of ex-Enron employees and bitter stockholders this week by smiting Ken Lay, former CEO and convicted fraudmeister of the now defunct energy-brokering company.

Click here to see an artist's rendition of the smiting. (Contains wrath of God violence that may be unsuitable for children.)

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

North Korea Strikes Out Against Japanese Hotdog Gluttony

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