Monday, July 31, 2006

Composting for Republicans

So you’re a conservative neo-con who is suddenly feeling guilty about the environment? Don’t give up that gas-guzzling Hummer – your fossil fuel consumption is helping to protect democracy! Instead, take up composting. Here are some composting tips for Republicans.

As a Republican, you’re used to spreading manure (or shoveling s*** as we, the proletariat like to say). But instead of repeating the corrupting lies of the Bush administration, you will need to actually buy a shovel to distribute the decaying matter. May I also suggest hiring an illegal alien to help with the heavy lifting?

The Bill of Rights makes excellent composting material and it has already shown signs of decomposition. While you’re at it, toss in the entire Constitution. Democracy is such an outdated idea in this Fox “News” world. Besides, you can always get a new door mat to wipe your feet on.

Some people are worried about the smell of their compost pile. Just tell them you had Karl Rove over for dinner and ran out of Febreze.

You may have recently asked yourself, “all I hear about these days is Lebanon – did the war in Iraq mysteriously disappear?” The media is controlled by right-wing fat-cats, who are also excellent composters. Many have mulched their stories of American wounded and miserable failure and piled it on the beautiful blooms of Mid-East unease. And just in time for mid-term elections – hooray for Summer!

Some have asked me what type of gloves they should wear while composting. My typical answer is, “what are you, some sort of gay marriage advocate?”

Another question from Phoebe of Des Moines: I have a hole in my lawn the size of the hole in Dick Cheney’s soul – will composting help? Answer: This is a trick question. First, that’s a big hole. You might consider building a swimming pool instead. Second, Cheney’s soul is itself a black hole of anti-matter. There isn’t enough excrement in the universe to satisfy its hunger. So, no, you cannot fix it with compost.


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