Monday, June 27, 2005

Is the Dog a Martyr?

This week in Iraq, insurgents strapped explosives to a dog and sent it wandering into a police station, where they detonated the miserable creature.

This begs the question, does that make the dog a martyr? Will the insurgents parade through the streets of Falluja carrying posters of the dog's photo? Will other dogs sign up for similar duty so they can emulate their heroic brother?

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Oprah Pissed for Being Treated Like Everyone Else

PARIS (AP) - The luxury store Hermes has apologized to Oprah Winfrey for turning her away from one of its Paris boutiques last week, saying it was closed for a public relations event when she came knocking.

Tell me again, why does Hermes need to apologize to the Queen of Daytime Talk? She just got a taste of the real world. You know, being treated like everyone else!
If I had shown up at the boutique 15 minutes after they closed, would I have expected them to open the door for me? No. Even if I had a million dollars in my pocket, I shouldn't expect to be treated any better than anyone else, from the super rich to the average Joe Sixpack (or is that Jean Luc Baggette in Paris?) They were in the middle of preparing for a private public relations event, for crying out loud. Are they supposed to stop what they're doing and have the employees stay away from their homes and families even later so they can cater to Oprah's every whim?
Get ready, she's already priming the pump by calling the experience her own "Crash" moment, in reference to a film about race relations.
She's going to spin this as having something to do with race? Come On, Oprah, you're classier than that!

Supreme Court Liberals Fail to See the Forest for the Trees

WASHINGTON (AP) - A divided Supreme Court ruled (5-4) Thursday that local governments may seize people's homes and businesses against their will for private development in a decision anxiously awaited in communities where economic growth often is at war with individual property rights.

In an ironic twist of fate just after the ruling, the lieutenant governor of West Virginia, Witherspoon Moneybags III, seized the homes of the five deciding Supreme Court justices and turned them into private hotels.

The justices were paid on average $250,000 for their homes (fair market value) but then Lt. Gov Moneybags charged them a whopping $1,100 per night rent, until they move out, which for some may be months.

As they painted his lovely green house a bright shade of red, Justice John Paul Stevens was heard to cry, "But that's MY house! I built that with my own two hands and raised my family there! How is a hotel on Baltic Avenue going to benefit the community?"

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

'Jesus Killers' Complain at AF Academy

AIR FORCE ACADEMY, Colo. (AP) - A Pentagon investigation into complaints that evangelical Christians at the Air Force Academy have bullied Jews and cadets of other faiths found no overt discrimination, but "certainly insensitivity," military officials said Wednesday.
"There is a lack of awareness on the part of some faculty and staff, and perhaps some senior cadets, as to what constitutes appropriate expressions of faith," said Lt. Gen. Roger Brady, Air Force deputy chief of staff for personnel.
The investigators' report said academy leaders and the Air Force should clarify policies on religious expression so religious minorities do not feel discriminated against or pressured.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if those members of the religious minority just accepted a few fundamental truths:
  1. They practice idolatry and are going to hell. Or -
  2. They are the descendants of the murderers of Jesus and are going to hell. Or -
  3. They think they're worshipping God, but are really worshipping Satan, and are going to hell.

The AF Academy nestled in the protective shadow of Focus on the Family, under the divine light and guidance of New Life Church.

Move Over Chester Cheetah...

FritoLay has a new spokesman to hawk their wares.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Downing Street's Page 2

Everyone's talking about the Downing Street Memo and how it illustrates the White House's predisposition for tricking the oh-so gullible American Congress and public into supporting Bush's agenda on regime change in Iraq.

But nobody's talking about the misplaced and uncelebrated Page Two of the memo, that Turner/Phelps newshound and trash-sifter, Mitch, has uncovered and made available here, exclusively on T/P:

- - - - - - - Page Two - - - - - - -

re: Tea and crumpets
Secretary of defense unhappy with the selection of biscuits on the buffet. He chastises Mrs. Wumplebottom (house manager domestic), saying shortbread and chocolate scones muck-up his dentures. Demands "old-fashioned" toll house chocolate chip cookies, whatever those are. Further dismisses Mrs. Wumplebottom's Union Jack tea cozy, saying it is "un-American" which is the obvious.
re: Accommodations
Prime minister asks national security advisor if she enjoyed her previous night's stay and did she appreciate the view of Big Ben. NSA responds that "the damned clock" chimed every hour, keeping her awake all night. She pressed Mrs. Wumplebottom to make a pot of strong black coffee, and to "keep it coming."
re: Exit strategy
Secretary of defense assures prime minister that US has a concrete exit strategy, but that the PM shouldn't "worry his pretty little head" over the details. Punches Mrs. Wumplebottom in the left breast for trying to clear his plate before he finished his scone.
re: Coallition Committments
Prime minister voices concern over the attack strategy, worries that without full UN cooperation, the burden of invasion, occupation, and peacekeeping would fall primarily on US and UK military. Secretary of defense derides PM's concerns, saying the US barely needs the UK, and asks why would they care about weak nations with "old world mentalities?" Plus, Secretary of defense says White House is confident they can gain military support from Fiji, Costa Rica, and Poland.
re: Lunch
Secretary of Defense orders the fish and chips. PM orders the salad with croutons. NSA orders beef Wellington, extra rare, with blood pudding and a martini. Secretary of Defense pummels Mrs. Wumplebottom and throws his plate at her, claiming, "I ordered CHIPS, you stupid cow, not steak fries!" Lunch was followed by light conversation about the weather.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Bush: GM Layoffs bin Laden's Fault

GM tried to scramble out of the junk yard this week by announcing a plan to let 26,000 employees go. Some would call it, "right-sizing." Some would call it "priming the pump for Kerkorian." Meanwhile, the finger-on-the-pulse of what's really going on White House calls it, "a devious plot by our enemy to tear at the very fiber of what makes this country great."

At a fund raiser pancake breakfast in Michatoga, MN, hosted by the Free American Republican Turnip Industry Entrepreneurs, Sec of State Condie Rice read from her daily White House briefing memo, "The latest troubling news should be viewed as more reason than ever to fight the forces of evil, stand up for the American way, and invest more in our battle against those who would take our way of life away from us." This was in response to the chairman of FARTIE commenting that they were almost out of syrup.

When asked if she would like some more orange juice, the Secretary reviewed her memo and vehemently asserted, "There is no cause greater in our endeavors than to stay the course."

The only time during the breakfast that Dr. Rice strayed from her briefing notes was when asked if she liked the sausage. To which she responded, "yes. Yes I do. Unlike Hilary Clinton."

Friday, June 03, 2005

It's Not Just for Weird Al and Bar Mitzvah's Anymore!

June is National Accordion Awareness Month (NAAM).

National Accordion Awareness Month was established in 1989 to promote the accordion, help spread the word about the resurgence in popularity in the accordion and to educate people about the accordion. WOW! It's been 17 years!

Did you know...

The piano accordion is the official musical instrument of the city of San Francisco and has been since 1990. This year is the 15th anniversary!

Actress Lucy Liu plays the accordion. It was the deciding factor for casting her on "Ally McBeal."

Guitarist Nils Lofgren started on the accordion. But still couldn't convince Neil Young to let him play it on "Southern Man."

Billy Joel and Barry Manilow also play the accordion. Billy uses his childhood accordian as a back-up airbag when he's out driving during a bender. Barry pulls his out at parties when people ask him to sing, "Mandy."

The accordion is a member of the reed family, not the keyboard family. Much better than being a member of the manson family or the osmond family.

China is the largest manufacturer and exporter of accordions in the world. Take THAT Lebanon, Kentucky!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

The Rumsfeld's Kung-Fu Pose

WASHINGTON (AP) - Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld defended the military's handling of detained terror suspects Wednesday while acknowledging that some have been mistreated, "sometimes grievously."
This photo cracks me up. Rummy's patented "Clawing the air with both hands while choking an invisible foe" kung-fu stance makes me want to come up with all kinds of alternative things he could be saying, like the following:

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