Thursday, August 28, 2008

Two-headed Oddity on Campaign Trail

A Boy with Two heads..." was how the media described the newborn medical oddity in India that sadly died only 48 hours after leaving the hospital. I contest that they should have referred to them as "two boys with one body..." or more accurately, "twins who failed to divide into two distinct bodies."

What constitutes individuality, the number of torsoes you have or the number of brains?

And what do you call that hideous, wrinkled, parasite that's hanging on John McCain everywhere we've seen him these past few weeks?

Oh, yeah. It's Leiberman. Hopefully, tomorrow's VP announcement will effectively excise that sycophantic thing from the Arizona senator. Unless Turncoat Joe is McCain's choice as running mate, in which case we'll have to squeamishly watch their handholding through November.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Phelps Father skips Beijing for Fraser Flicks

Sunday I took my nephews to the movies at one of our big multiplex cinemas. It was raining so I was wearing my Olympic boxing wind-breaker. I bought tickets to The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor plus drinks and snacks at the concession stand and used my Visa (Morgan Freeman's voice: official card of the Olympics and the only card used there) for the transactions.

Typical in today's world of identity theft, they asked for my ID each time I used my credit card. I don't mind this as it's good practice for when President Hannity and his Savage brown shirts are running things.

Well, after an hour of covered faces and asking when it's OK to watch (to the exaggerated sighs of the corpulent comic book store owner sitting next to us), The Mummy, despite Brendan Fraser's manic mugging, turned out to be too scary for the boys. We opted to switch to another movie, so I zipped back to the ticket booth and bought passes to the other Brendan Fraser flick available, Journey to the Center of the Earth, 3D (soon to be a classic).

Good times were had by all and afterward I shuttled my nephews home with the hopes of turning around and meeting my wife and some friends back at the theater to see Tropic Thunder. She beat me there, bought her tickets and stocked up at the concession stand using her Visa, too.

The popcorn girl noticed her name and asked, "Oh, are you related to Michael Phelps, the swimmer?" My wife responded, "No."

"That's funny," said popcorn girl, "his father was here earlier today."

. .


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Britney's Link to Foreskin Museum a Hidden Treasure

I had to share the funniest spam subject line I've received so far today:

Britney gives foreskin museum special gift

It works on so many levels because

  1. It's absurd.
  2. It conjures images of Britney Spears ceremonially entering the museum.
  3. It begs the questions: what does the museum display and what would be her special gift?

What has been the funniest subject line in your spam folder?

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Phelps to Move to Brazil for Beach Volleyball

Wow, I've never noticed until this morning how much I love Brazil.

It's really beautiful down there.

Unbelievably beautiful.

I want to spend a lot of time in Brazil. Maybe learn to do the mambo there. I'd explore every secret place, get familiar with it on a personal level and maybe even make it my home. Ah, yes, I could really settle in there and make Brazil my home.

If I moved to Brazil, I'd get to know the locals and take time to chew the fat whenever I wasn't showing Brazil how much I loved and appreciated her. I'd even learn to spell my new home's name with an S.

A super fine S.

. . .

super fine.

. . .


Phelps Admits to Doping

It's true, I admit it.

I was sitting in a den in Bombay. I had a slack jaw and not much to say. That's where the doping started. I asked the man, "are you trying to tempt me?" when he filled the bowl of my pipe with the sweetest black Khali opium I had ever tasted. What a ride. It was like traveling in a fried-out combie on a hippie trail, head full of zombie.

From there, my troupe moved on to Bangkok. It was just one night, but I couldn't get out of those chess bars. It was really such a pity how I saw a god in every golden cloister, and lucky me, some of those gods were a she. I got Thai'd like a tourist on some Pnom Bang that was the purist. Talk about getting your kicks above the waistline.

Well, the next thing I knew I was in Beijing with my hands wrapped around a three-foot long bong shaped like a China girl. It was silly, but I found myself threatening her between hits. I was saying, "My little China girl, you shouldn't mess with me. I'll ruin everything you are." Eventually I stumbled into town like a sacred cow. I had visions of swastikas in my head and plans for everyone in my troupe. But the party had to end.

What a crazy week. That's about all I remember from the 80's. I still have that bong, though. And when I get excited, I can hear my little China girl say, "Oh baby, just you shut your mouth."

She says, "Sh-sh-shhhh."

. . .


Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Is RNC's Message to Kill Obama or just a typo?

Although the meer thought that the Republican National Committee would advocate the murder of anyone, let alone an American citizen is ludicrous and absurd (and no accusation, implicit or explicit is being made here in any way), a posting on their national website today has me wondering if it isn't beyond the realm of possibility. I noticed it this morning as I was reading their headlines, which I do religiously. And there it was in plain sight, Obama: Wwak

Is that header a typo, or could this be a subtle, secret communiqué with a sleeper cell operative working for the RNC? According to the Urban Dictionary, "Whack" means "assassinate the mo-fo." (See definition 3-2.) Could Wwak be the RNC's own phonetic twist on that term? Perhaps the rest of the headline "on Bipartisanship" is an anagram for some additional instructions or cryptic message:

  • I part his bison nap - a reference to taking him out while he sleeps, i.e. interrupting his nap. (Bison = buffalo = the term used for black soldiers prior to WWII)
  • pa sins ar both in pi - a prophecy that his sins (of being the DNC candidate) and his father's sins (of being a muslim) are "coming full circle" with the completion of this directive.
  • this piano bar: spin - a clue as to where the operative is to pick up his fee for the job. Is Spin a popular piano bar in Georgetown where Republicans like to meet with lobbyists in dark booths and compare notes on which congressional pages are cuter in short shorts?

Maybe it's just metaphorical? By telling their people to Wwak him, they might mean assassinate his character.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Bush on the Beach


Friday, August 08, 2008

Despite Great Hair, Edwards Just Another Scumbag Lawyer

After all he and his wife have been through, John Edwards, the guy I really wanted to win the Democratic nomination for President (after "Mighty Balls" Dennis Kucinich), turns out to be just another lying, scumbag lawyer. He even admitted to the lying and the scumbagging. (We already knew he was a lawyer.)

In my wishful world for ironic justice, his wife Elizabeth should get to have sex with his younger brother while he's battling incurable testicular cancer. Or, she should have sex in front of him with a young, handsome senatorial aide when he's battling Alzheimer's. (The rationale being that each offense will be like it's the first time he's catching them.)

A sad day for those hopeful few who believe that politicians can be decent human beings, and that they aren't all heartless, ego-driven walking waste.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Victoria Osteen Elbowed Me in the Boob, Too

And the event gave me a case of hemorrhoids.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Any chance to get a piece of that sweet sweet Osteen action. The potential settlement, that is, which is reportedly 10% of Mrs. Osteen's personal net worth.

It's gotta suck to own a megachurch, have a violently explosive temper and be a stickler for tidiness in first class.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Gorilla Surplus a Boon for Soon-to-be Injured Chinese Athletes

A new environmentalist census of gorillas in Africa estimates their population in The Republic of Congo at more than double the previous numbers, pushing their ranks over 125,000.

With this report's release, Turner/Phelps asks the world: What's good about more gorillas?

China :: Gorillas are of particular interest to the health needs of the people of the People's Republic. From relieving pain and insomnia to improving sexual drive and good luck, the gorilla provides us with a plethora of pharmacological remedies. Plus, with the recent mandates from the government for athletes to win more medals during the Beijing olympics, injuries are sure to be on the rise, so we'll need tincture of gorilla paw for broken bones, ointment of gorilla brain for sprained ligaments, and gorilla testicle stew to relieve sore joints (and give good luck). More gorillas means good things for China!

Taek Spleen Meen Lee
Assistant to the Deputy Minister of Health

NRA :: We need to save those poor animals! Save them from themselves. If their population has doubled in less than ten years, do you have any idea what devastating affect they will have on their environment? It would be cruel to idly stand by and watch those majestic creatures overpopulate their natural territory and suffer starvation and disease. We must cull the herd! I think $10,000 per head would be a reasonable license fee to ask. Maybe with a 10% discount on all NRA-booked safari packages.

Joe Don Shaughtgunn
Head of the Conservation Dept. and Exotic Game Hunters Club

The Jane Goodall Foundation :: They found more gorillas? Ugh! Nothing's good about that! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the stink of their wet fur out of the carpet, let alone the mess they make in the parking lot? We go through shoes and welcome matts faster than we go through bug spray! I say we let the NRA have their way with them.

Randy Munkee-Goodall
Step Grand-nephew of Jane Goodall, and manager of the visitor center souvenir shop

Monday, August 04, 2008

Obama Gets Down and Dirty

Sadly, Obama has to lower himself to McCain's level and start with the negative campaign ads.

The latest: Obama's Oil Offensive, an ad where he says McSame is a tool of the big oil companies. Of course, he could have left the oil companies out of it and just said that McCain is a tool.

That would be hard for the Republicans to deny.

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