Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Gorilla Surplus a Boon for Soon-to-be Injured Chinese Athletes

A new environmentalist census of gorillas in Africa estimates their population in The Republic of Congo at more than double the previous numbers, pushing their ranks over 125,000.

With this report's release, Turner/Phelps asks the world: What's good about more gorillas?

China :: Gorillas are of particular interest to the health needs of the people of the People's Republic. From relieving pain and insomnia to improving sexual drive and good luck, the gorilla provides us with a plethora of pharmacological remedies. Plus, with the recent mandates from the government for athletes to win more medals during the Beijing olympics, injuries are sure to be on the rise, so we'll need tincture of gorilla paw for broken bones, ointment of gorilla brain for sprained ligaments, and gorilla testicle stew to relieve sore joints (and give good luck). More gorillas means good things for China!

Taek Spleen Meen Lee
Assistant to the Deputy Minister of Health

NRA :: We need to save those poor animals! Save them from themselves. If their population has doubled in less than ten years, do you have any idea what devastating affect they will have on their environment? It would be cruel to idly stand by and watch those majestic creatures overpopulate their natural territory and suffer starvation and disease. We must cull the herd! I think $10,000 per head would be a reasonable license fee to ask. Maybe with a 10% discount on all NRA-booked safari packages.

Joe Don Shaughtgunn
Head of the Conservation Dept. and Exotic Game Hunters Club

The Jane Goodall Foundation :: They found more gorillas? Ugh! Nothing's good about that! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get the stink of their wet fur out of the carpet, let alone the mess they make in the parking lot? We go through shoes and welcome matts faster than we go through bug spray! I say we let the NRA have their way with them.

Randy Munkee-Goodall
Step Grand-nephew of Jane Goodall, and manager of the visitor center souvenir shop


Post a Comment

<< Home

Site Meter