Sen. Stevens Threatens to "Kick Some Fed Ass"

Don't be thrown by the liver spots.

Despite his frail 84-year old body and grandfatherly demeanor, Senator Stevens proved he's still full of piss and vinegar this weekend when federal investigators indicted him for corruption, lying, and geriatric surliness. After dislocating one agent's shoulder like Yoda on Red Bull, he garroted another with the investigator's own tie before being brought down with tazers and bear tranquilizers.

Unlike most disgraced Republicans, Stevens confidently wouldn't go without a fight, despite the eye witness testimony and mountain of evidence against him.

DC insiders say that he drinks from the same unholy fountain of youth that kept Strom Thurmon climbing the capital steps and having adulterous sex with "colored folks" well into his 90's. The fountain is purportedly hidden beneath the lowest chambers of Smithsonian Institution, and is guarded by Doris Kearnes Goodwin, an ancient Egyptian sphinx of immeasurable knowledge and cunning.