Thursday, November 30, 2006

Hot Green Alien Slave Babes in Our Future?

Stephen Hawking, world-renowned physicist, author, and most recognizable genius in a wheelchair, says, "YES!"

Promoting his new book, Jane, Get Me Off This Crazy Planet, Hawking says we humans need to develop Star Trek-esque warp drive engines and populate other planets as fast as possible before life on Earth is snuffed out by an asteroid, nuclear war, or a cannibalistic eating contest between Oprah Winfrey and Joy Behar of The View.

When asked if "adopting Star Trek technology" means that we'll gradually evolve into many different planetary races and species, and if that means we'll eventually breed a race of subservient hot green love slaves who live to dance erotically and satisfy our every whim, Hawking responded, "IT WOULD BE IMPERATIVE. OWNING ONE OF THOSE GREEN CHICKS WOULD BE THE PINNACLE OF HUMAN SCIENTIFIC ACHIEVEMENT."

Similar news:
Sir Richard Branson plans to make space travel available to the masses in the year 2008, and in the process will make enough money to buy three more islands in the Caribbean.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) say they have a faster, more economical way to achieve interplanetary population. All you have to do is join their church, marry, have lots of kids then die. Bingo. You and your wife get to play Adam and Eve on your very own planet! Plus, no warp speed jet lag.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Virile Bush Chides Iraqi PM's Impotence

Monday, November 27, 2006

Podium Resigns to Make Room for New Ideas

WASHINGTON -- After years of defending his presidential podium, President George W. Bush announced the resignation of his stand-behind furnishing just three weeks after the Democrats' triumph in congressional elections.

Bush reached back to his years in the Texas capitol to tap a former governor's podium as a replacement for 'Ol Podie. In deference to his party's defeat by Democrats and his now-deceased long-time politicaly enemy, Bush had Anne Richards' podium dusted off and shipped to the White House on Airforce One from the stockyard auction house where it has been working for the past sixteen years. It will begin it's new duties as presidential podium as soon as they can get rid of the smell of cow manure and steer urine.

The President has nominated 'Ol Podie for a Medal of Freedom. But with the current political climate, public sentiment toward the Iraq War souring, and the Democrats holding the key to the box where they keep the fancy blue ribbons that the medals hang from, it is doubtful the honor will be awarded.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Jolie's bodyguards detained in India after fracas

NEW DELHI (TP News) - Indian police detained three of Angelina Jolie's bodyguards on Friday after fried fracas street vendors complained the men had manhandled and abused them during a shoot of the Hollywood star's latest film. Police said the British bodyguards had been taken into custody after receiving complaints about an incident at a Mumbai open market.

Angry street vendors of the popular fried pigeon heads on a stick, smothered in a curry chutney, had said the guards had threatened them and called them "bloody Indians" when the vendors tried to close their carts and end business for the day. The film crew admitted that there had been some confusion at the market after the guards had gotten a taste of "fried winged rat head," or Fracas in Punjabi.

"Being from the UK, they've never tasted anything so flavourful," Brajesh Singhubnaryalonomon, Mumbai's deputy commissioner of street vendors told TP. He did not give a date for the court hearing, but did add with a smile, "We'll give them plenty of fracas in jail."

Interestingly, Webster's English-to-Punjabi dictionary alternately defines "fracas" as fried curried pigeon heads and as anal gang rape.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Presidential Podium Nervous of Bush Support

During his press conference this morning, Corky Robinson of the Yakima Tribune asked the President if we can expect more changes in his cabinet. With steely eyes on the intrepid cub reporter, Bush's response was frank, stern, and decisive.

"Corky, that's a nice bow tie you have on. I feel like you're going to break into a barber shop quartet song any minute.
"But to get straight to the answer for your question, no, I don't plan to make any changes to my cabinets. And I'll stay the course with my bureaus, too. I'm a war president. You won't see me cutting and running. Take this presidential podium. It's been part of my white house since the beginning. Strong, sure, and confident in its abilities, as I am, confident in its abilities to do the job I've asked it to do. Sure, it's old and kind of smells funny, but I've stood behind it for these six years, and I expect to stand behind it for the rest of my term. It's true that people complain about Ol' Podie, as I call it. They say it needs a facelift. I don't listen to that kind of unpatriotic, self-defeating advice. I have charged this podium with a job and as they say, it serves at the pleasure of the president. That's me. The president. I'm a war president with plenty of politcal capitol to spend, still. Sure, Ol' Podie is hard to be around. Folks complain that it's too rough around the edges and that even getting a little close means you run the risk of some nasty splinters or even a staph infection. But I didn't appoint it for its craftmanship. I appointed it to hold the seal of my office. I appointed it to mask the teleprompter that I use for speeches. And I appointed it to be something I could hide my liquor in when I have to talk to the likes of you reporters.

"Ol' Podie is doing a fantastic job and it will continue to be my one and only podium for the rest of my tenure in the Oval office. So just back off, Corky, or God help me, I'll come down there and open a whole can of three-alarm Texas whoopass on you."

Heckuva Job, Rummy. Heckuva Job.

No more Rum for Iraq. Or the rest of us (I hope).

Monday, November 06, 2006

Salacious Scandal Circumvents Serious Science Subjects

We're just as much to blame as the real media outlets and radio talk shows, having devoted two blogs to the subject of Mr. Haggard and his personal lambada (the forbidden dance). It seems like no one is talking about the important stuff, Iraq and politics aside (including the Lazarus-like resurrection of Daniel Ortega.)

What's most important to me, being a nut for science and pseudo-science (Bigfoot is real, damnit!) are these issues being buried beneath the Haggard dirt:

Brown Widow invades US
Poisonous Brown Widow spider, cousin to well-known Black Widow, has been found on Gulf Coast in Mississippi. As if the West Nile-toting mosquito isn't enough to worry Mississippians, add the poisonous Latrodectus geometricus to the state's list of creepy-crawly creatures. more...

Sushi Sales Soon to Sink
The world's fish and seafood populations will collapse by 2048 if current trends in habitat destruction and overfishing continue, resulting in less food for humans, researchers said on Thursday. more... (No joke. This is a biggie. Read the book, "Cod".)

The Old Man of the Jungle in grave danger
About 1,000 orangutans are estimated to have died in Indonesia during the dry season this year in which raging forest fires have produced thick smoke across huge areas of Southeast Asia, a conservationist said on Monday. more...

Friday, November 03, 2006

How Teddy met Mikey

The details of how Brother Ted found Mike Jones, the gay Denver male prostitute, are up for debate. But T/P pulled the following telling personal ads from its extensive collection of independent hook-up newspapers and back issues of Buried Treasure magazine:

Chemicalbrother69 - MWM seeks discrete weekend warrior. No politics, please, just fun fun fun. Must have own meth lab.

ColoradoCoreSample - Bored with wife. Looking for tight and tidy 40-something in the mile-high city. Must like watching Tom Cruise movies and praying for our souls after naughty wrestling.

MassageMePlease - Tall, handsome, politically influencial evangelical pastor seeks male prostitute for sex, drugs, and eventual self destruction. Turn-offs: handlebar moustaches, bad breath, and legalized abortion. Turn-ons: midnight strolls, bondage, exposing wife to STDs.

PhilHarmOnIt50 - brASS section antique dealer will pay top dollar for rusty trombone, any woods, or percussion instruments. Upright or baby grand preferred, but not necessary. No violins. No amateurs.

Oh That Sweet, Sweet Denver Booty

Meth and sodomy? Say it isn't so, Ted. Say it isn't so.

Oh, don't worry. Deny, deny, deny is always step one during a crisis like this. Remember, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman?" You need time to gather the troops (call the lawyers and spin doctors) and develop a battle plan (craft a plausible explanation).

Just watch how this unfolds. It happens all the time, only with some minor differences from a political scandal because it involves a religious leader. Church elders or a church member committee will have an investigation to determine if there was any impropriety or criminal activity. (The public might be asking if the police are investigating if any crimes were committted, ie meth, solicitation of prostitution, etc.)

Meanwhile, the accused (Brother Ted) will spin it so that he is the victim. "I'm an alcoholic," or "I was molested as a child," or "I'm an alcoholic and I was molested as a child by my alcoholic evangelical pastor uncle."

Or the ultimate fall back position of all religious no-gooders: The Devil Made Me Do It. Nothing clears your slate with the flock faster that summoning The Evil One. We are all tested by Lucifer's left-leaning, Will and Grace-watching, gay marriage-advocating, terrorist-supporting, Jesus-hating minions every day.

Get ready to work up a bucket of stage tears, Ted, and repeat after me, "I have sinned against you. I have sinned against my Lord!"

Of course, you never know, the gay prostitute in Denver who is breaking this story might recant (as his bank account coincidentally grows by a magnitude of ten), or the suicide note (written in someone else's handwriting) will describe how he fell into a deep depression over the guilt of betraying the man he loved (and was stalking) and explain how he overdosed on narcotics (that were suspiciously prescribed to someone at New Life).

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Genital Mutilation Sentence Worries Millions

The sentencing of an Ethiopian man in an Atlanta court to 10 years in prison for performing genital circumcision on his 2-year-old daughter has tens of millions of American parents wondering, "Are we next?"

The child, now 7, testified against her father in a court of law, well past Georgia's statute of limitations for aggravated battery and undefensible creepiness toward a child. This precedent has many Judeo-Christian parents contacting their state attorneys-general and personal lawyers, asking if they are in danger of imprisonment for mutilating their sons' genitals at birth.

Jerry Falwell, from his obsidian citadel in Lynchburg, Virginia, cautioned his followers to obtain waivers from their children before performing the procedure, or to avoid it altogether, claiming it was "a cruel barbaric, pagan cult ritual, typical of the people who killed our Lord, Jesus."

Rabbi Jerry Cosenblum of the Jewish Cultural Awareness Institute in Manhattan had this heated response to the reverend Falwell, "How dare you? CIRCUMCISION IS THE NAME OF GOD WRITTEN ON YOUR HEAD, you boorish fascist!"

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Can't Wait For Borat

Check out his web site... it's a hoot.

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