Friday, November 03, 2006

Oh That Sweet, Sweet Denver Booty

Meth and sodomy? Say it isn't so, Ted. Say it isn't so.

Oh, don't worry. Deny, deny, deny is always step one during a crisis like this. Remember, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman?" You need time to gather the troops (call the lawyers and spin doctors) and develop a battle plan (craft a plausible explanation).

Just watch how this unfolds. It happens all the time, only with some minor differences from a political scandal because it involves a religious leader. Church elders or a church member committee will have an investigation to determine if there was any impropriety or criminal activity. (The public might be asking if the police are investigating if any crimes were committted, ie meth, solicitation of prostitution, etc.)

Meanwhile, the accused (Brother Ted) will spin it so that he is the victim. "I'm an alcoholic," or "I was molested as a child," or "I'm an alcoholic and I was molested as a child by my alcoholic evangelical pastor uncle."

Or the ultimate fall back position of all religious no-gooders: The Devil Made Me Do It. Nothing clears your slate with the flock faster that summoning The Evil One. We are all tested by Lucifer's left-leaning, Will and Grace-watching, gay marriage-advocating, terrorist-supporting, Jesus-hating minions every day.

Get ready to work up a bucket of stage tears, Ted, and repeat after me, "I have sinned against you. I have sinned against my Lord!"

Of course, you never know, the gay prostitute in Denver who is breaking this story might recant (as his bank account coincidentally grows by a magnitude of ten), or the suicide note (written in someone else's handwriting) will describe how he fell into a deep depression over the guilt of betraying the man he loved (and was stalking) and explain how he overdosed on narcotics (that were suspiciously prescribed to someone at New Life).


Blogger Phelps said...

OK, so now Ted is admitting to paying for a massage and buying some meth, but throwng the meth away.
Who hires a male escort for a massage? He's got two day spas less then ten minutes from his office (Mateos and Tocare). Maybe he's the kind of guy who wants a deep tissue Swedish massage.
Very deep.
Wait, the meth is kicking in...

2:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Over the line my Will and Grace watching friend. Of course, your reliance on meth yourself probably impacted your ability to think clearly. And speaking of impacting - watch for the colossal blow coming to your right temple - it'll be there when you least expect it.

AoD and New Life Elder

11:14 AM  

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