Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Something in the Water

There's loco weed in the Brazos River. Another woman in Texas killed her children. This time she hanged them before hanging herself. One child survived.

Seems like just yesterday we were reading about the woman who chased her kids down one at a time and drowned them in the tub. There, too, I think one child survived.

Texas has a long history of infanticide among its historically, stereotypically strong women. Look at Babs Bush. She unsuccessfully drowned her only son in 1948 and he's been brain dead ever since.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Super Powered NYC of Titanic Proportions

Con Ed and American Superconductor Corp. are touting the new power line that they're burying under New York City as "super" and "attack proof." This instantly makes it the number one target for terrorists, anarchists, and Professor Grubbworm, super villain lurker of the underdwelling and master of his hordes of giant burrowing grubbworm minions.

Saying something in NYC is attack proof is tantamount to saying the Titanic is unsinkable. Ah, the arrogance of the powerful.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

God Pulls "Because I said so" Trump Card

Worn out from the incessant questions from His children, God finally snapped today and roared at the world, "Because I said so!" This outburst was in response to the same old questions being repeated for the billionth time.

"From now on," He continued, "whenever you want to know why things are the way they are, the answer is Because I Said So. And if you don't quit acting up and start playing nice with one another, I swear I will stop this universe and give you something to act up about."

~ v ~

Annoying questions most frequently asked of God this month:
  1. Why do we have to die?
  2. Why do we have to go to church/temple/mosque?
  3. Why does the sun come up every day?
  4. Why do we Mormons/Muslims/Catholics have to tithe you more money than those Protestants/Jews?
  5. Why did Sanjaya get bumped from American Idol?
  6. Why won't you let me win the lottery?
  7. Why do we get wrinkles?
  8. Why did my house get bombed?

Falwell Back to Work After Dying

The not-so-Reverend Falwell was quick to get to work today, officiating over the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the expansion of a new wing of Hell. In the parched wastelands of the Obsidian Desert, on the sixth circle, just east of Dick Cheney's Basalt Sanctuary, Falwell and representatives from the Pandemonium and Discord Construction Corporation broke ground on what will be the future repository for souls of religious teachers, mentors, and leaders who have abused their positions in the church for personal self-satisfaction, prurient desires, or political gain.

As chief architect of PDCC, the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini gave Falwell a sly wink and helped him cut the ribbon with an oversized novelty pair of scissors. "We both get to live here," he whispered in Farsi.

"This is a momentous day for all intolerant hypocrits," Falwell said as he was lead away by demonic minions dressed as gay, starving African children feminists. "But I have to go now for my scheduled lunch with Josef Stalin. We've got a whole barrel of live eels and scorpions to eat before three!"

Hell's plans changed from how they had originally expected to welcome Falwell, since so many new religious dorks have lined up for their place in perdition. With church leaders shielding pedophile priests, Ted Haggard getting his meth-o-lized freak on with male prostitutes, and Muqtada al-Sadr's sanctioned murder of innocents, Hell had to increase their budget and make a new playground for the fallen.

- - - -

Alternate headline: All's Well that Fall's Well

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

More of a Tragedy than a Comedy

Click here for larger version (pdf)

Monday, May 07, 2007

God Smites Kansas Town for Sinful Thoughts

Fundamentalist Christians across the U.S. are shaking their collective finger at what remains of the city of Greensburg, just days after God Almighty smote the county seat. Shouts of "Praise the Lord!", "God is merciful!", and "Fear his wrath!" echoed from Southern Baptist prayer centers across the Bible Belt during Sunday services.

Evelyn Taint, speaking for Dr. Frank Page, president of the Southern Baptist Convention, told Turner/Phelps that this catastrophic event had been building for some months. She said it started last year when the idol worshipping Catholics in Greensburg announced that starting in September their Knights of Columbus Hall would be open for bingo on Sundays. After that, The Book Nook, Greensburg's only bookstore, advertised that in July it would be selling copies of the forthcoming witchcraft manual, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And the trouble culminated with the local rotary club's decision to give their annual New Year's fund-raising dinner a Carnivale theme. "You know how Jesus hates Mardis Gras," Taint said.

Despite the fact that none of these "sinful" acts have yet to be committed, the Baptists assert that much like George Bush, God unilaterally reserves the right to pre-emptively smite future sinners. "Your book has been written," Taint explained, "And God Almighty knows that which has passed and that which is yet to be. So, when He decides to send the Holy Ghost down as a class five funnel cloud doesn't really matter, does it? In His eyes, you've already sinned."

Friday, May 04, 2007

The One Queen Cheney Won't Beat the Crap Out of Behind the Bar

Being veep of the U.S. isn't all fun and wargames. Occasionally you have to do some real work like culling the overburdened lawyer herds in Texas or meeting the Queen of England, which is exactly what Cheney did this week in Jamestown, VA. The Queen thing, that is, not the lawyer thing. (He did his part to cull the overpopulated herd of loose neck Texas lawyers last year.)

Ah, but THE Queen. With a capital the. And we're not talking about Nathan Lane, either. We mean the Head of the Commonwealth, Lord High Admiral of the royal navy, and Supreme Governor of the Church of England. She's the only admiral in a tiara whose hand Cheney will shake. (Believe me, I tried to shake his hand at a fundraiser one time wearing a tiara and sailor suit. He was on me like a rabid bulldog on a one-legged cat. So ferocious, they had to taze him. Those boys from Wyoming don't act kindly toward fellas who look like they just strolled down from Broke Back Mountain.)

So Cheney took precious time away from oiling Bush's talking strings this week so that he could perform his diplomatic duties as the highest official designated to meet The Queen. When Blair's in town, it's Georgie-boy who's rubbing Tony's shoulders and making terrorist jokes. But when Her Majesty comes calling, they dust off Cheney's coffin, feed him two pints of fresh congressional page blood and make sure The Queen isn't carrying any raw garlic in her clutch purse.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

A Man of his Word

Makes me feel like a big man.
Bush League plays the veto card. Don't pass go. Don't collect $200 hazardous duty pay.

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