Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Falwell Back to Work After Dying

The not-so-Reverend Falwell was quick to get to work today, officiating over the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the expansion of a new wing of Hell. In the parched wastelands of the Obsidian Desert, on the sixth circle, just east of Dick Cheney's Basalt Sanctuary, Falwell and representatives from the Pandemonium and Discord Construction Corporation broke ground on what will be the future repository for souls of religious teachers, mentors, and leaders who have abused their positions in the church for personal self-satisfaction, prurient desires, or political gain.

As chief architect of PDCC, the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini gave Falwell a sly wink and helped him cut the ribbon with an oversized novelty pair of scissors. "We both get to live here," he whispered in Farsi.

"This is a momentous day for all intolerant hypocrits," Falwell said as he was lead away by demonic minions dressed as gay, starving African children feminists. "But I have to go now for my scheduled lunch with Josef Stalin. We've got a whole barrel of live eels and scorpions to eat before three!"

Hell's plans changed from how they had originally expected to welcome Falwell, since so many new religious dorks have lined up for their place in perdition. With church leaders shielding pedophile priests, Ted Haggard getting his meth-o-lized freak on with male prostitutes, and Muqtada al-Sadr's sanctioned murder of innocents, Hell had to increase their budget and make a new playground for the fallen.

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Alternate headline: All's Well that Fall's Well


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