Missing Rove Emails

It is time that I reveal some of Karl Rove’s missing emails. Karl has been stalking me for years, sending me emails, calling my cell phone, digging through my trash, peering through my windows, stealing my underpants and Photo-shopping his face over Phelp’s face on any of our publicity photos. I was saving the emails for a lucrative book deal, but my patriotic duty demands that I reveal these missing emails.

From: Rove, Karl [mailto:karl@bigstupidliars.com]
Sent: Thu 4/26/2000 1:30 PM
To: Turner
Subject: John McCain Doesn’t Love You Like I Love You

Why won’t you return my calls? You’ve been spending a lot of time reading McCain’s blog and it hurts me. You know, there are a lot of people who think McCain gave up important secrets during his time as a POW, that his wife is a drug addict and that his temper is too volatile to hold the highest office. Of course, I never said that, and those people who did say it could never be traced back to me and if they were, I have plausible deniability in planting those rumors. Are rumors still rumors if they're true? But really, why won’t you return my calls?

From: Rove, Karl [mailto:karl@cheaters.com]
Sent: Thu 6/14/2000 5:32 PM
To: Turner
Subject: Don’t let my Enron stock come between us

Are you still mad about all those old ladies losing their pension money in the Enron scandal? I don’t even know how I ended up in the money with all of that Enron stock. It was a mistake made by my broker I’m sure. You can’t blame me for something my broker did, can you? I’m emailing you with my Blackberry while I’m standing in your bushes watching you. Come out here and see.

From: Rove, Karl [mailto:karl@evangelicalsforjesusforbush.com]
Sent: Thu 6/14/2000 5:32 PM
To: Turner
Subject: 72-hour task force

Could you pass out some pamphlets for me this weekend at church? It’s all quite innocent. Some bible passages, motivational sayings, stuff like that. And who to vote for. What are you going to wear to church? I hope it’s a blue suit. Your eyes look great in that blue suit. You look like a congressional page in that suit.

From: Rove, Karl [mailto:karl@traitorswhoshouldbehung.com]
Sent: Thu 12/14/2003 3:27 PM
To: Turner
Subject: Plame is a CIA Operative

Valerie Plame is a total CIA operative. I just found that out from Bob Novak. Can you believe it? I sure didn’t know that before. I mean, I told Bob I did because I didn’t want to look stupid. He’s such a tool and I hate the way he has to be Mr. Know-it-all. And those shoes! Anyway, I was just joking, I didn’t know it was true. Weird huh? Stupid Matt Cooper, telling everyone that I was the one who told him. What does he know? Fitzgerald will drop me anyway. I hope I don’t go to jail or anything. Would you visit me in jail? In your blue suit?

From: Rove, Karl [mailto:karl@swiftboatlyingliars.com]
Sent: Thu 2/11/2005 8:16 PM
To: Turner
Subject: Swift Boat Terminology

It makes me so totally mad that I made a war hero like John Kerry look like a cowardly, ego-maniacal traitor by rousting up a bunch of senile vets who had never even met him. I mean, that part doesn’t make me mad. What makes me mad is that now the liberal media is saying stuff like “They Swift Boated so and so,” whenever someone slimes a hero. After all that hard work they should be saying, “They Roved that guy.” I can’t get any respect. And I have your puppy. If you ever want to see him again you’ll stop calling the police every time I’m waiting for you in your garage. Otherwise, Mr. Wumpy Fuzzykins gets the GitMo treatment, and you know what I mean.

From: Rove, Karl [mailto:karl@soulesscriminals.com]
Sent: Thu 6/22/2005 3:07 PM
To: Turner
Subject: Dinner at 8PM

I found this really romantic spot I want to take you to, Bistro Franaais. You’ll meet me there, won’t you? Don’t think a simple restraining order will stop the marching orders of my heart. I will make you love me. If you don’t love me, it means you’re a terrorist who hates America. Why do you hate America? America just wants to watch you, maybe touch you sometimes. But no, you called America a greasy fat, bald grease ball who oozes grease. That really hurts America’s feelings. You terrorist.

I’m just kidding.

No I’m not. Love me.