Piven the Night Away

There’s a great new way to have fun at your favorite restaurant. It’s called “Pivening,” or “Doing the Piven.” It’s easy to do and will really help impress your date on important romantic outings like Valentines Day.

First, don’t make any reservations for your date. Only real nobodies require reservations. People who date nobodies might be impressed by your thoughtfulness when you make a reservation. But people who date the Glitterati, like say, Jeremy Piven, expect more than just a quiet evening out on the town. Reservations are for sissies.

Next, go to the most crowded and popular place in town. Doing the Piven is all about making a big public scene that proves your supernova-like importance in the universe. It’s incredibly sexy to barge your way into a crowded restaurant and make the nobodies with reservations wait an extra turn.

When the hostess says, “I’m sorry, we’re booked tonight. If you had a reservation, I could have…” be sure to interrupt her with a loud, “Do you know who I am?” Nothing demonstrates the astonishing magnitude of your fame and worth like asking someone if they know who you are. Your date will love it, too. Happy Valentines Day, honey, I got you big box of chocolate-covered embarrassment wrapped in humiliating self-conscious snobbery.

When I try the very dignified “Don’t you know who I am?” line, I get a variety of responses. Sometimes it’s Dave Matthews. If I’ve been on the road and my eyes are dark and saggy, I might get a Vince Vaughn. Sometimes they think I’m Sanjaya. But when I really behave like a total pompous ass and I wear a bad toupee, I get the best of all: “You’re that arrogant midget Jeremy Piven, aren’t’ you?” I tell them that I’m the tallest of all the midgets, which is really the best way to define Jeremy Piven’s entire career. I tell them I had my midget body lengthened to house my enormous ego.

If they do seat you, insult the servers and never tip. On your way out, it couldn’t hurt to throw in a “thanks for nothing, bozos.” Instead of tipping, do what Jeremy Piven does and leave them with a DVD of the first season of your current show. I know I always carry around DVDs of my first seasons just in case I need to stiff a waiter who didn’t recognize me. Or in case I need to prove to someone that I actually have a TV show. Of course, I don’t actually have a TV show, so instead I carry around one of Schuermann’s DVDs. Sometimes they’ll see the DVD cover and say, “oh yeah, you played that fey Beelzebub in that Jimmy movie.” I of course correct them and tell them I’m Schuermann. Sorry Pete. That’s why no one in town will take your reservation anymore. My suggestion is to make the reservation under Phelps and then Piven the night away. In your case, you could actually leave your own DVD, which is cool. Or maybe a framed photo of your Emmy award. Or you could do what you usually do and continue to be an all-around gentleman, although Piven wouldn’t approve and would probably refuse to work with you on any future projects involving arrogant midgets with deeply rooted self-concept issues. I still prefer the DVD route. So, take that, waiter who serves me into the wee hours yet fails to appreciate the flaunting spectacle of pretentious goo that is me. Or Jeremy Piven.