Republican Candidate Chooser

It’s hard to be a Republican these days. You’ve elected an inarticulate monkey to the world’s top office. Your trusted advisors leading all the way up to the Vice President have likely committed treason for political gain. Whether Edwards or Obama (Hope. Action. Change.), the Dems are going to run the smartest, most charismatic candidate since Bill Clinton. Now you have no idea who you should vote for in 2008?

T P is here to help with our handy Republican Candidate Chooser:

What are your views on the economy?
A) I want the rich to get richer.
B) I want the rich to get richer and also famous.
C) I want the rich to nuke Iran.

What are your views on the constitution?
A) I don’t want our President to worry about silly things like basic human rights; I want the homeless jailed, welfare derailed and my speech curtailed.
B) I think the constitution should be interpreted with enough flexibility to give the next Republican President the right to disband congress and declare martial law.
C) I would like a constitutional amendment that would require us to nuke Iran.

What are your views on marital infidelity?
A) It takes three marriages to really find yourself and your core values.
B) It takes multiple marriages, an affair while your current wife is in the hospital with cancer, and an affair while you are impeaching a sitting US President for covering up an affair to really find yourself and your core values.
C) Who cares about marriage when we should be worrying about how to nuke Iran?

What are your views on “don’t ask, don’t tell?”
A) Sailors should be allowed to dress in drag like the good ol’ days.
B) What someone does in the privacy of their own barracks is their business, unless he is a sitting US President who is also a Democrat.
C) More gays in the military would help us nuke Iran, right?

What are your views on nuking Iran?
A) I think someone who has never held a political job greater than mayor and who lost his senatorial bid to an out-of-towner should have access to the big red button.
B) I think that the big red button is a great way to get chicks, especially if your wife is dying in the hospital.
C) Can we nuke them twice?

Scoring:
If you chose mostly A’s, you should vote for the pro-gay, pro-choice, draconian swinger Rudy “Ru-Giu” Giuliani.

If you chose mostly B’s, you should vote for that sexy beast Newt Gingrich.

If you chose mostly C’s, John McCain is the temperamental hot-head you want with his finger on the big red button.

If you couldn’t make a choice because you have no idea what you stand for and change your mind about core values every two weeks, consider Mitt Romney.