Thursday, July 28, 2005

American Legion of the Dead

A horrible national catastrophe was narrowly avoided yesterday during the President's visit with the 2005 Boys and Girls Nation Senators in the East Room of the White House. As he waded into the throng of accomplished high-school students to shake hands and grab ass, it became obvious that they were actually reanimated corpses, aka zombies. The creatures swarmed on the President before his secret service cadre could intervene.

A Whitehouse spokesman said the President greatly resembled John Wayne as he battled with the zombies who were being telepathically controlled by Southern American Legion lobbyist and honorary four-star general, Strom Voldemort-Thurmon.

The President finally subdued the creatures by singing "Kumbaya," which lulled them into a state of unfocused calm. When control of the zombies was wrested from him, Voldemort-Thurman fled the scene, crying out, "My minions! My minions! My lovely minions, gone!" leaving only a pool of slime and the acrid smell of moth balls and stale gin in his wake.

Side note: this is the only photo on record of Strom Voldemort-Thurman, undead necromage, despite his frequent visits to the Capitol, and the rumor that his crypt resides in the basement of the DNC's national headquarters.

Professor Amiel Edelstein of Harvard Unisversity, resident expert on reanimated corpses and frequent consultant to the Larry King Show on CNN, said that what really saved the President was the fact that zombies crave the taste of brains.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Mitch Fell Down a Well

What's that, Lassie? Mitch fell down a well?
That's right folks. People have been asking me for weeks where Matt and Mitch have been. The truth is, after the July 4th Live 8.2 Concert, they were on sabbatical with Bono in Lima, Peru, promoting his "One" anti-proverty campaign.
True to form, Mitch was trying to impress some questionably-aged Peruvian girls by walking along the edge of a recently dug water well, and fell into its murky depths. The authorities have been unable to extract him as he is wedged at a narrow point nearly sixty feet down, and Lima's utilities and road service department doesn't have any equipment that can reach that far.
Matt has been keeping vigil beside the well for the past 22 days, reading to him at night, lowering empenadas on a kite string, and pumping in fresh oxygen.
The day after Mitch fell, Bono had to leave so he could continue spreading the "One" message throughout the world. "Nice knowin' ya!" Bono crooned into the well before he departed.
Meanwhile, celebrities and politicians wanting to boost their public images have taken turns relieving Matt of his duties when he needs to sleep, go to the bathroom, and when he has to buy more empenadas.
Some of the more prominent names:
  • Exiled Haitian president Jean-Bertrand Aristide read Mitch chapter 4 of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince as a bedtime story.
  • Imelda Marcos sang soothingly to Mitch, three nights in a row until his screams could be heard all the way at the capitol building, where a Peruvian judge immediately ordered her to cease and desist.
  • Scott Baio lowered Mitch a roll of toilet paper (precious in Lima). He left disgusted and embarrassed when he found out that both of Mitch's arms are trapped by the well walls and he has been unable to tend to himself for three weeks.
  • After Imelda Marcos left, Ashlee Simpson tried to sing soothingly to Mitch, but her sound engineer played the wrong dub tape, and after a pitiful soft-shoe routine, she claimed to have a sore throat and left embarrassed.
  • This week, during his War-on-Terror awareness campaign, which includes rebranding the message as the "Struggle Against Violent Extremists" awareness campaign, President Bush spent just enough time standing over the oxygen pump for the press corps to take several shots of him.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

UK Terrorists Just Don't Get It

Terrorists in the UK today are scratching there heads as citizens continue commuting to work, visiting zoos, and going about their daily lives. Obviously the fundamentalists don't get that the Brits invented the words "staunch," "unperturbed," and "cheerful." For crying out loud, they use "cheers" and "cheerio" the way a Hawaiian uses "aloha."

Plus they're hard as nails on the inside. Nothing mushy or weak there, after centuries of frying and boiling every hint of flavor and nutrition out of their food.

Figure it out, you idiotic extremists, you're not going to break their spirits with bombs. A nation of people that survived the blitzkreig and endured 30 years of the IRA with chins up and a healthy optimism, isn't going to be intimidated by a handful of whackos like you. Try your dirty work on someone with less resolve.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Let the Spinning Begin!

(AP) Bush said in June 2004 that he would fire anyone in his administration shown to have leaked information that exposed the identity of Wilson's wife, Valerie Plame. On Monday, July 18, 2005, he added the qualifier that it would have to be shown that a crime was committed.

How quickly the straight-shooters and men-of-their-words run and hide behind the spin doctors' lawyerspeak. It only takes getting caught not doing what they said they would when it is to their disadvantage.

Serves them right.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Karl Rove Still Has a Job?

someone is stonewalling...

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Brad Pitt Diagnosed With Viral Meningitis

And they say it's not dangerous to fool around with Angelina "come get your meningitis" Jolie...

Monday, July 11, 2005

Clinton's Insult Raises Republican Ire

ALBANY, N.Y. (T/P) - Republicans took aim at Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton on Monday for a speech in Aspen, Colorado, where she compared President Bush to Mad magazine's freckle-faced, "What, me worry?" kid, Alfred E. Neuman.

"At a time when he's focused on the security of our nation," A Republican National Committee official said, "Senator Clinton shows her true self-aggrandizing colors. Alfred E. Newmann is a tireless patriot and national treasure. To compare him to President Bush soils his good name and reputation."

A NY GOP chairperson demanded an apology, suggested censure, and implied that one of Porter Goss's intelligence agents (either the white one or the black one) devise an over-complicated trap for Senator Clinton, that, while appearing to be easily side-stepped, would actually result in an anvil being dropped on her head or her being hit in the face by a giant boxing glove on the end of a spring-loaded extension arm.

Alfred E. Newman's publicist released a generic written statement dismissing Senator Clinton's comment, that when folded in three parts changed the statement into a vaguely humorous reference to the Nixon administration and the 60's "hippie" counter culture.

Karl Rove: Causing More Leaks than Hurricane Dennis

A phone conversation takes place in a dark, dusty office deep beneath the White House, July 11, 2003. A stale cigar smolders in an ash tray, filling the room with sinewy ghosts chasing each other across the light cast by a single flickering incandescent bulb. The smell of rotting subpeoanas and press releases clash with the stale tobacco:

Reporter: Thanks for taking the time to talk to me.

KRove: My pleasure, but this has to be quick. I'm going on vacation.

Reporter: I was curious about your thoughts on Ambassador Wilson's report that Saddam Hussein never tried to get Uranium from Nigeria.

KRove: Ambassador Wilson needs to watch who's toes he's stepping on. Important people don't like to be contradicted.

Reporter: Do you mean the President?

KRove: I didn't say that. But if I had, the answer would be, "yes."

Reporter: Um, and your opinion of Ambassador Wilson?

KRove: He's a tricky character. Not to be trusted. Did you know his wife is an undercover spy for the CIA?

Reporter: Really? Valerie Plame is an undercover agent?

KRove: I never said her name. But if I had, the answer would be, "yes." That's double super secret, of course, so you can't quote me.

Reporter: Then why are you telling me?

KRove: Like I said, some very important people, say, certain people who meet regularly in the Oval Office, are pissed off at that whiny baby, Wilson, for knocking a hole in their iron-clad case for going to war. Plus, it will send a message to the other folks who might be thinking of standing up to us - I mean - standing up to the important people. But I didn't say that, either.

Reporter: Important people like President Bush, secretary Rumsfeld, and vice president Cheney?

KRove: I didn't say their names.

Reporter: But if you had?

KRove: Then the answer would be, "yes." But since I didn't say their names, any further questions will have to be screened by my lawyer.

Reporter: You've got a lawyer to screen your questions?

KRove: Just thinking about my future - I mean - the future. Well, I've got to go now. Vacation is calling!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Turner/Phelps Pitch In at Live 8.2

Durango, CO (TP News) -- Contributors to the Turner/Phelps blog, pushed aside their laptops and unplugged their Internet connections for one day during the Fourth of July weekend to add their talents and voices to Live 8.2, the Durango-based Live 8 celebrity impersonation concert held to raise awareness for the poor in developing nations.

Turner (far left) strapped on his guitar and gave rousing renditions of his originals: "It's Not a Roll of Quarters, I'm Happy to See You," "The Peter Brady Shirt Song," "Can My Forehead Get Any Longer," and the crowd favorite, "My Bus Driver Dumped Pooh In Alamosa."
Phelps (center/center) and two sopranos from the Ignacio First Baptist All Women's Choir and Fashion Boutique impersonated Destiny's Child and sang a-capella versions of "Slow Hand," "Funky Town," Manson's "Dope Show," and received standing ovations for their madrigal rendition of the Soft Cell classic, "Sex Dwarf."
Mitch (far right), wearing his signature table cloth and made up to look like Stevie Wonder, fared less well with the crowd for his unappreciated humor and mediocre covers of "Your Back Door Man," and a lude rendition of Culture Club's "Karma Chameleon" He was finally booed off the stage for butchering the Simon & Garfunkle classic, "Scarborough Fair/Canticle" which he changed to "Durango Hair Can Tickle."

Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme indeed, Mitch.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

FEMA jumps on "Recall Bandwagon"

This week, Cold Stone Creamery is recalling its ice cream products containing cake batter following reports of people becoming ill in four states, and Roth Kase USA recalled all Spreadables brand Lobster Bisque and Crab Creole cheese spreads, which contain egg protein, wheat and fish not listed on the label.
Seeing this as a great way to get a good thing back, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has asked thousands of Floridians whose homes were damaged by last summer's hurricanes to give back more than $27 million.
"The money is potentially tainted," an unidentified spokesman for FEMA said, "so we need to get it out of the hands of people who might use it for something useful and constructive, like rebuilding their houses, and reallocate it. We need to use it for something useless and destructive, like fueling a hysterical propaganda against another Middle Eastern country, or promoting New York City as a great place for an international sporting event."

Friday, July 01, 2005

CAFTA a Threat to Gringo Goats

With the Central American Free Trade Agreement (CAFTA) waiting for approval in the House after being approved in the Senate (54-45), President Bush is personally lobbying reps to pass his border-opening agenda. South of the border, an unexpected voice has risen in support of the trade agreement, the ever-elusive Chupacabra.

Jeb Bush?"Open borders are good for El Chupacabra and means more business for American farmers," the nefarious creature stated through an interpreter from his cave near a Chilean village, "Fat, juicy, gringo ranchers with fat, juicy gringo goats, good. Chupacabra will embrace the spirit of CAFTA and spread death and disease to American bread basket." The Chupacabra then promptly ate the interviewer, Chilean mountain guide and camera crew.

North of the border though, a dissenting voice was heard.

Oprah?The just-as-elusive but historically gentle-natured Sasquatch gave an emotional plea against CAFTA during the monthly Moose Lodge meeting in Soggy Pants, Manitoba. "Ya, for sure," Big Foot said, "with the borders open to mythological creatures, you'll see lots of them there Mexican goat suckers and Bolivian fat stealers, but you won't see us going down there, don'tcha know. I mean, look at me. I'm all fur! Think I'd last a day in the equatorial heat, eh? Don't count on it, buster." When he finished, Sasquatch promptly ate the grand poobah of the Moose Lodge and ransacked their meeting hall.

On a more sobering note

CAFTA opponent and Democratic Senator, Byron Dorgan of South Dakota raised the question of homeland security. "If this al Qaeda-linked Quetzalcoatl character crosses the border and devours our sun, what are we going to do then? Do the Republicans have a plan? One thing I know is that the great state of South Dakota will need more money for utilities, agriculture subsidies, and flashlight batteries. Flashlight batteries, dammit."

Site Meter