Mitch Fell Down a Well

What's that, Lassie? Mitch fell down a well?
Duh!
That's right folks. People have been asking me for weeks where Matt and Mitch have been. The truth is, after the July 4th Live 8.2 Concert, they were on sabbatical with Bono in Lima, Peru, promoting his "One" anti-proverty campaign.
True to form, Mitch was trying to impress some questionably-aged Peruvian girls by walking along the edge of a recently dug water well, and fell into its murky depths. The authorities have been unable to extract him as he is wedged at a narrow point nearly sixty feet down, and Lima's utilities and road service department doesn't have any equipment that can reach that far.
Matt has been keeping vigil beside the well for the past 22 days, reading to him at night, lowering empenadas on a kite string, and pumping in fresh oxygen.
The day after Mitch fell, Bono had to leave so he could continue spreading the "One" message throughout the world. "Nice knowin' ya!" Bono crooned into the well before he departed.
Meanwhile, celebrities and politicians wanting to boost their public images have taken turns relieving Matt of his duties when he needs to sleep, go to the bathroom, and when he has to buy more empenadas.
Some of the more prominent names:

• Exiled Haitian president Jean-Bertrand Aristide read Mitch chapter 4 of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince as a bedtime story.
• Imelda Marcos sang soothingly to Mitch, three nights in a row until his screams could be heard all the way at the capitol building, where a Peruvian judge immediately ordered her to cease and desist.
• Scott Baio lowered Mitch a roll of toilet paper (precious in Lima). He left disgusted and embarrassed when he found out that both of Mitch's arms are trapped by the well walls and he has been unable to tend to himself for three weeks.

• After Imelda Marcos left, Ashlee Simpson tried to sing soothingly to Mitch, but her sound engineer played the wrong dub tape, and after a pitiful soft-shoe routine, she claimed to have a sore throat and left embarrassed.
• This week, during his War-on-Terror awareness campaign, which includes rebranding the message as the "Struggle Against Violent Extremists" awareness campaign, President Bush spent just enough time standing over the oxygen pump for the press corps to take several shots of him.