CAFTA a Threat to Gringo Goats

With the Central American Free Trade Agreement (CAFTA) waiting for approval in the House after being approved in the Senate (54-45), President Bush is personally lobbying reps to pass his border-opening agenda. South of the border, an unexpected voice has risen in support of the trade agreement, the ever-elusive Chupacabra.

"Open borders are good for El Chupacabra and means more business for American farmers," the nefarious creature stated through an interpreter from his cave near a Chilean village, "Fat, juicy, gringo ranchers with fat, juicy gringo goats, good. Chupacabra will embrace the spirit of CAFTA and spread death and disease to American bread basket." The Chupacabra then promptly ate the interviewer, Chilean mountain guide and camera crew.

North of the border though, a dissenting voice was heard.

The just-as-elusive but historically gentle-natured Sasquatch gave an emotional plea against CAFTA during the monthly Moose Lodge meeting in Soggy Pants, Manitoba. "Ya, for sure," Big Foot said, "with the borders open to mythological creatures, you'll see lots of them there Mexican goat suckers and Bolivian fat stealers, but you won't see us going down there, don'tcha know. I mean, look at me. I'm all fur! Think I'd last a day in the equatorial heat, eh? Don't count on it, buster." When he finished, Sasquatch promptly ate the grand poobah of the Moose Lodge and ransacked their meeting hall.

On a more sobering note

CAFTA opponent and Democratic Senator, Byron Dorgan of South Dakota raised the question of homeland security. "If this al Qaeda-linked Quetzalcoatl character crosses the border and devours our sun, what are we going to do then? Do the Republicans have a plan? One thing I know is that the great state of South Dakota will need more money for utilities, agriculture subsidies, and flashlight batteries. Flashlight batteries, dammit."