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hiya TurnerPhelps


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hello TurnerPhelps

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Friday, January 09, 2009

It's Been Fun, but...

Monday, January 05, 2009

What's in store for January 19th?

George's Itinerary for his last day at the Whitehouse. A fine farewell for the longest, hardest job he ever held.

06:00 AM - Go for last D.C. jog.
07:00 AM - Be resident president mixoligist for mimosa's on the lawn for early breakfast.
08:00 AM - Help Laura "pack up the special extra stuff" around the house.
09:30 AM - Throw "planning brunch" for presidential library. Bloody marys. Remember names of execs from:
  • Halliburton
  • Blackwater
  • Northrup Grumman
  • Lockheed Martin
10:30 AM - Say goodbye to the household staff who were nice to me.
10:35 AM - Say goodbye to the Whitehouse Press Corps. DO NOT MOON THEM.
10:45 AM - Call literary agent for status on memoirs pitch to publishers.
11:00 AM - Oval Office: Take a BM on the constitution one last time while reading Bill Kristol's editorial in The Weekly Standard.
11:30 AM - Freshen up. Have a scotch.
12:00 PM - Lunch with the full cabinet.
01:00 PM - Drinks with Condie and Karl. DON'T MAKE MOVE ON CONDIE, EVEN IF IT'S YOUR LAST CHANCE.
01:30 PM - With C and K, call Putie and give him a piece of your mind. (Might impress Condie.)
02:00 PM - Walk the dog. Photo op of last day at WH great for memoirs and maybe Barbara Walters piece.
02:30 PM - Have a scotch. Take a nap.
04:30 PM - Freshen up. Irish coffee.
05:30 PM - Reception at the Republican Congressional Caucus. DON'T CALL THEM PUSSIES.
06:30 PM - Dinner with Laura, Jenna, Barb, Mom and Poppy.
08:30 PM - One last ride in Marine 1 to Kennebunkport. JUST FOR THE WEEKEND.
09:30 PM - Get plastered on Poppy's scotch.
11:30 PM - Pass out on guest bed with shoes on.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Counting down to magic day

Come on, Santa! Deliver that sackful of Jack Daniels to the White House early so that George will be too occupied to do anymore damage. He tried for eight years to destroy America as we know it, and he failed.

Who cares who he pardons or whose sentences he commutes between now and Jan. 20? As long as he's not invading another country for artificial reasons, redefining executive powers or ruining our reputation abroad, the country is safe.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Who Wants Dick in Jail?

With a grand jury indictment in Southern Texas for "profiteering from depriving human beings of their liberty," Dick Cheney has a chance, if a judge doesn't dismiss the charges, of going to jail for his partial ownership of a private prison company. We ask, who benefits from this?
  • His cell mate. Despite being from the ranch country of Wyoming, years of government service and living the cushy CEO life has turned the once tough Cheney into a deliciously soft and physically weak plaything. Without his secret service detail or hardened BlackWater operatives to protect him, Cheney is like a big, warm, soft marshmallow for the taking. Just don't startle him when you slide over to his bunk, because he's got a weak ticker.
  • Disgruntled employees at The Vanguard Group. "Now we can give him a taste of his own medicine," one Vanguard prison guard, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said. "Let's see how he likes not getting fish sticks on Friday because of 'budget cuts' or having to work on Christmas Day."
  • The world. Knowing that Dick Cheney is quietly writing his memoirs behind bars instead of plotting evil in an undisclosed command center will allow the whole world to breathe a sigh of relief.
When asked about his indictment, he was heard to curse then say, "Who's a guy gotta shoot in the face to get outta this mess?"

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