Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Condie Too Sore To Sit

After nearly thirty minutes punctuating each and every one of President Bush's comments with a standing ovation, Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, finally gave up and just remained standing until the conclusion of the state of the union address.

Rabid C-SPAN viewer and Washington insider, Ghata Wadcha-Tranewreck, noted the following in her nightly on-line politico journal:

I've got to hand it to Condie for sheer stamina. Every pause, every finished sentence, she was the first one on her feet, clapping, and the last one to sit down. From the moment those teleprompters were first turned on, she was like a tiger, ready to pounce with her applause. All those ups and downs. I thought I was watching a Pam Anderson video. Even when the Republicans weren't giving him a standing ovation, there was Condie, on her feet, clapping maniacally. I wanted to warn her, to scream at the television, "Sit down, Condie! Pace yourself!" It's a marathon, you know, not a 100 yard dash. But she finally found the limits of her endurance. All that enthusiasm during the first half of the speech caught up with her. I could actually see the very moment when her body gave up, when her enthusiasm, like her interest in Middle East peace, took a sudden nosedive. Unfortunately for her, and the guy sitting behind her, it happened on the upswing, and she found herself stuck standing. Her hands couldn't clap and her knees couldn't bend. She was stuck in ovation. And I was embarrassed for her, and for the country.

Ghata signing off. Happy C-Spanning!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Whitehouse Hunts for New Corrupt Politician to Support in Pakistan

Since Bhutto's assassination, the Whitehouse has been struggling to find another corrupt politician to back in the name of Democracy. One anonymous aide currently searching Pakistan for a viable frontrunner said, "It's hard to find the right politician to back. They can't seem mean, or aligned with any 'questionable' religious groups. As long as they aren't labelled a military dictator, we don't care how corrupt they are or how much money they've siphoned out of the public coffers into their own private Swiss bank account."

Nervously glancing over his shoulder, the aide alluded to President Musharaf (or maybe Bush) by saying that national pride, patriotism, and love of country does not justify a military coup in a democracy. "No matter how corrupt, beholden to corporations, or enslaved by energy companies and oil cartels the leaders of the government might be, people should never question their duly elected government. Especially not the executive branch."

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

New Year Stumbles Into Its First Week Like Dick Cheney in a 7-Eleven

(Get it? It's a pacemaker joke.)
  • No promise for prosperity in 2008, since the sub-prime lending catastophe still threatens to cripple our economy, though Bernanke refuses to tell us exactly when the collapse will occur.
  • No hopeful political outlook in 2008, since it's offically an election year and the candidates will quickly resort to playing on our fears, those that haven't already.
  • No promise of a healthy future starting with 2008, evidenced by the complete dismissal of Michael Moore's Sicko (perhaps his best movie to date) by the American masses who are completely brainwashed to fear socialized medicine in any form.

Take a deep breath! Deeper. Hold it in. Do you smell that? Yeah, me too. It's the same old shit we had in 2007.

Speaking of Dick Cheney, though, where is that wrinkled old ball sack? Hasn't been making many public appearances lately. Probably spending all his time in the gym, getting back down to his CEO fighting weight so he can jump right into an energy industry chief executive job when he give up his role as leader of the free world.

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