Saturday, October 30, 2004

That’s One of Those Egg Saturations

During the last debate, when Senator Kerry warned the American people that George W. Bush had said he wasn’t really concerned about Osama Bin Laden, many of the newspapers reported that Bush’s clever retort was:

“Gosh, I just don't think I ever said I'm not worried about Osama bin Laden. It's kind of one of those exaggerations.”

In fact, what the First Monkey said was, “It’s kind of one of those ‘egg saturations.’” You see, in the bush clan, when Neil, Jeb or little George was ever caught accidentally telling the truth, Barbara would pour twelve raw eggs down their pants and make them dance the Hustle. They called this punishment “egg saturation,” and sometimes Bush still refers to it when confronted by the truth. That’s why he giggled like a little girl after he said it – he was picturing Kerry disco dancing with albumen-coated slacks.

Here are some other “egg saturations,” Kerry could be guilty of in the coming days:

This president is a war president – he has declared war upon the American language.

The administration’s plan to crush Social Security with privatization is as queer as Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter.

If you think watching these tapes of Osama is irritating, just count it as one more miserable failure of this administration to properly operate a VCR.

Does anyone else think it’s phony that a filthy-rich, Yale-educated oil baron drops the “g” off of words like “workin’,” and “huntin’?”

Over 100,000 Iraqis have died in connection with Bush’s illegal war – at least we didn’t use gas on them like that war criminal, Saddam Hussein.

If Carl Rove loves Zell Miller so much, why don’t they go get married in Massachusetts? I’m sure that Dick Cheney’s super-gay lesbian daughter would approve.

My hair is tres-Presidential, no? Oui!

You can have a president focused on things he can’t ever change – fundamentalism in Iraq, abortion rights, gay marriage, hastening the apocalypse… or you can have a president who wants to cut the deficit, bring jobs back to America, and guarantee the White House is not filled with head lice.

I mean, my daughter is a really straight, heterosexual woman, but the Cheney’s should be proud to raise such a really gay lesbo in their family. I mean totally gay. And I support her lesbianism, which is to say she’s a person – a gay person – who should enjoy the same rights enjoyed by, say, an evil failed energy CEO who is now Vice President of the most powerful nation in the world.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

GW's a Uniter, Not a Divider

Yeah, as in "United Against Us." Sheesh.

UNITED NATIONS (Reuters) - Friends and adversaries of the United States voted overwhelmingly in the U.N. General Assembly on Thursday against the four-decade-old American economic, financial and commercial embargo against Cuba.

The vote, conducted for the 13th consecutive year, was a lopsided 179 to 4 with one abstention on the resolution opposing the embargo. The United States, Israel, Palau and the Marshall Islands voted "no" and Micronesia abstained.

Micronesia abstained? What's the strategy there? I guess they want to agree with the rest of the world, while at the same time they don't want to be put on the Pentagon's list of "The Top 10 Pacific Island Chains Best Suited for Nuclear Testing. (Or is that 'nuculer?')

Ed Wood Film Discovered

Reuters reports an Ed Wood find, "Necromania."

"'This is something more than just porn,' said Fredrik Carlstrom, executive producer of the DVD featuring two versions of the film, one soft core, the other more explicit.

'This is an old film. It's in the '70s, they're hairy, they don't look the way we are used to now,' Carlstrom said. "

Sure, it's tacky porn, but it's also the perfect Halloween gift. I mean, watching Zell Miller at the RNC is tacky porn too (unless you're Carl Rove, and then it's really super hot gay wrestling porn), but it's not the sort of thing you can risk the kids getting a hold of.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Free Speech: Do It While You Can

Our friend from the Beltway sent us these thought-provoking photos of American expressions of free speech.

They made me think that there's still time left for you to exercise your freedom of speech. Not just before the election, but after, too, regardless of who wins. I say there's still time, because they'll be changing that soon enough. They don't like you to exercise your rights. In the old days they called it "being uppity" or "causing trouble."

Remember, our founding fathers considered the act of dissent a thing of great value. Exercise it.

If Bush/Satan win, you'll be seeing a lot less of this, especially once Ashcroft is set loose to hunt us down.
Remember, if they are given a "mandate by the people" to run things the way they have been, it won't be hard for them to change the definition of "peaceful march" to "terrorist gathering" or "game night" to "Al Qaeda recruit session."

It's all in how you interpret the constitution. And they interpret it through an evangelically fascist monocle.

If you're thinking of doing something similar to what the folks did in these photos, follow these simple guidelines:

Never deface or damage public or private property.
Never endanger someone's life
(say, by obstructing traffic).
Never be a public nusiance (say, by being Carl Rove).
It's better to be clever than to be mean.
Never say we told you to do it
(encouragement is not commandment).

The RNC Warns: Kerry Will Raise Taxes on Dead People

Posted on the Republican National Committee’s website:

“Warning to Dead People in Florida: John Kerry wants to raise your taxes. We appreciate that you’ve taken the time to register as a Republican from the great beyond, but it may not be enough. Dead people alone cannot win Florida for George Bush. You may need to vote twice. Or three times. And you may need to stop as many blacks and Latinos and women from voting as you can. Don’t think you’re safe from Kerry’s liberal tax policies just because you’re dead. You may ask, “doesn’t Kerry only want to repeal risky tax breaks on the wealthiest one-percent of Americans, and is that even close to the same thing as actually raising new taxes, especially on dead people?” Don’t be fooled. Al Qaeda wants Kerry to raise taxes on you in the after life. Think about this – while the Al Qaeda dead are enjoying the seventh level of Heaven surrounded by 99 beautiful virgins who feed them grapes and rub their feet, you’ll be shouldering the ridiculous burdens of education, health care and social security.”

$0.50 / Electoral Vote

So Phelps and I have an interesting bet with Mr. Diet Coke: 50 cents for every electoral college vote over the opposing candidate. I heard he's taking on all Dems and I'd love to bankrupt him over a Kerry victory, so send him an email...

The Death of Meaning in America

Warning: This really isn’t very funny

So, I'm tossing a Freschetta into the oven last night (I know that sounds like some sort of sexual practice, but it's just a frozen pizza) and I realized why Kerry might just lose. By the way, because my wife is an award-winning chef who worked at a five-star resort, people think we always have caviar and escargot for dinner. Nope. We eat frozen pizza. A lot. I mean, I love a good Freschetta as much as the next guy, unless of course that next guy is Tony Danza. I bet Tony Danza really loves Freschetta pizzas. If I were ever eating a Freschetta with Tony Danza (oh, please God, may my dream come true), I would love to lean over and say, "Abbondanza!" I know that "Abbondanza" is not the slogan for Freschetta pizzas, but it would totally make my day to say, "Abbondanza, Tony Danza."

Where was I?

Oh yeah, I'm munching a tasty Freschetta and it occurs to me that Bush has probably eaten hundreds if not thousands of crappy frozen pizzas (oops, there goes the lucrative TurnerPhelps Freschetta sponsorship). Yet, I doubt if Kerry has eaten a single frozen pizza, even though Heinz probably markets some sort of frozen tomato-based product. He actually is at home eating caviar and escargot. People can relate to Bush because he's a major league screw up who refuses to admit to his mistakes just like you and me. And he eats frozen pizza.

That's what America has come to. We don't care who is smarter or better qualified or even who has a better plan. If we did, Kerry would lead the polls by 20 points. We care about whether or not the president wears boxers or briefs, or if the president knows how to throw a baseball.

I was at a marketing conference last year and one the sessions I went to was on shifting demographic trends based on an aging population. The speaker's thesis was that each generation relates to truth in their own unique way. This is especially true of politics. For Boomers the formative political event that shaped their definition of truth was Watergate. There is truth somewhere and our job is to uncover it. For my generation, Gen X, the lost generation, the formative event was the Iran-Contra scandal. There is truth but we will never know anything close to it. Except for the truth that Republicans are lying thieves out to destroy the Constitution. For Gen Y, the formative event was the Monica Lewinsky affair. There might be truth but who wants to find out about something that repulsive?

We’ve become so disconnected to truth that the debate press room is now called the spin room. Republicans have landed on a brilliant strategy this year. People will assume that everything a politician says is half spin and half truth and they’ll end up somewhere in the middle. So Republicans have completely lied about everything and no one calls them on it. This list will make you sick.

If Bush wins, the first thing out of my mouth will be, "welcome to the death of meaning in America."

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Saphira Says...

Our resident belly dancer, Saphira, says:

"I get all my news from the Turner/Phelps site!"

That's right. When she's not performing for foreign dignitaries, teaching troubled teenage girls how to better themselves socially through erotic dance, telling fortunes at the local nursing home for the elderly, or reading Daily Variety, Saphira goes to the Turner/Phelps blog for her news.

(Yes, we know. Saphira doesn't know much about what's happening in the world...)

Monday, October 25, 2004

2 Headlines to Make Your Anus Pucker-up

I went to my news homepage today and these two Associated Press headlines just made me cringe:

President Bush Says He is the Best Candidate to Keep America Safe

Tons of Explosives Missing in Iraq

Get ready, folks. We're going to have some fireworks for Ramadan. Or maybe just a fraction of the missing 350 metric tons will find its way to the middle of a city in the United States, the way Dick Cheney has been threatening it would if Kerry wins.

Uncertain about how much a metric ton is? Take this test:

Answer: E. All of the above.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Side Effects

So I walk into the living room to see the last part of some ad:

“…may cause incontinence, sexual dysfunction, heart murmurs, increased risk of stroke, hair growth on your forehead, testicular swelling, symptoms similar to rabies, rampant homosexual behavior, severe internal bleeding, tendency toward alcoholism, desire for public urination, food addiction and your body may produce itchy poisonous mucous.”

I figured it was just another Big Pharma ad for Viagra or Celebrex, but it turns out it wasn’t an ad at all. It was that creepy little troll, Dick Cheney, talking about a Kerry presidency.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

America: The Best Laxative

Just a quick update on the book, America, A Guide to Democracy Inaction, from the friendly, funny folks at Comedy Central's The Daily Show.

It has really kept me regular.

Actually, I'm more than regular. Regular is what, a bm once a day? Well, since the best reading light in my house is in the master bathroom, that's where I sit to read my book. And since I'm all about multi-tasking, I do my business while I'm reading it. But, since I want to read it all the time, I'm on the toilet (it seems) all the time.
Suffice to say that the book is good, it's funny, it pokes fun at all aspects of American politics, and it's a great way to keep your colon clean of those pesky and worrisome polyps. The only downside: it's hard to wipe while laughing.

If anybody wants to borrow my copy, you're more than welcome. (I've only dropped it twice.)

Spread a Little Love

Prank phone calls seem De rigueur (Republicans who don’t read: that’s French for “required”) among humorists these days, but they're often sort of mean spirited. Wouldn’t it be better to make random compliments over the phone to strangers?

I just called to let you know that you’re a snappy dresser. Were you in the Michael Jackson “Smooth Criminal,” video perchance?

Unlike President Bush, you have a wonderful command of the English language.

Sometimes your head seems perfectly symmetrical.

If you were a soup, I think you’d be corn chowder. I really like corn chowder.

You are loved by animals and children. Especially lemurs.

I bet your grandma left you a lot of moola in her will.

If I were a poor farmer living on a small island in the West Indies, I would vote for you as president for life.

I don’t know if you’ve ever tried macramé, but if you did, I bet you rock at it. You’re probably really good with knots and stuff.

You voice is mellifluous. Thanks for answering the phone today.

Please pass my thanks on to your biological parents for mating.

When you go to the bathroom, you almost never sully the floor, at least not by accident. Nice job.

You really know how to contribute to our gross national product.

I don’t want this to sound creepy, but you’re the kind of person that would really be missed if you were to ever disappear mysteriously.

I wanted to confer an honorary title upon you for your outstanding achievements but none of them seemed adequate. So today I will call you The Honorable Reverend Doctor Spiderman Rockstar Salsa Queen. Congratulations, Professor Omnipotent Ruler of Super Voodoo.

Friday, October 22, 2004

President Claims: Even Retards Can Fight

(AP) President Bush honored Olympic and Paralympic athletes Monday (Oct. 18) for bringing home nearly 200 medals, telling the athletes they had served as exemplary ambassadors of the United States.
"Y'all are fit as fiddles," GW quipped. "Every one of you is a superb athlete, and in Athens you served as exemplary ambassadors of the United States."
He went on, "so who wants to suit up in some camos, sling a rifle over your shoulder and die for me in Iraq?"

The athletes were silent.

"Come on," GW said, "I'm certain some of you are patriotic. How about you paralympics? Even retards can sling hash for Halliburton in the mess halls."
When his press secretary corrected him about the difference between the Paralympics and the Special Olympics, the President chuckled at his gaffe. "Some people will criticize me for calling you all retards, despite knowing exactly what I had meant to say. And that is, in Texas we see you all as equals. Whether you're retarded or paraplegic, we'll execute you just as fast as if you were black."

Rush Rushes to Appeal Ruling

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. (AP) - Rush Limbaugh on Thursday appealed a court ruling that Would allow prosecutors investigating his use of painkillers to examine his medical records.

Insiders tell TP Blog that Limbaugh is concerned the court may uncover some medical secret from his past. Our editorial staff conjectures that secret might be one of the following:
  • Limbaugh was actually born Rushkina Limbov in East Germany. Received sex change operation and emmigrated to America after failing to gain spot on East German women's Olympic track and field team (shot put) in 1964.
  • Treated for anal warts in 1992 (purportedly contracted from Alexander Haig in late 80's)
  • Has no working genitals, except two enormous balls that give him superhuman courage to publically spout completely unfounded statements as facts.

Bush Signs Youth Suicide Prevention Law, Dozens of Elderly Kill Themselves in Protest

(AP) President Bush on Thursday signed into law a bill authorizing $82 million in grants aimed at preventing suicide among young people.

But the AARP and other lobbyists for the elderly, like UDW (United Denture Wearers) and IncOFAM (Incontinent Old Fogies of America) claim that the law discriminates against Americans who are not young. In Washington D.C. Friday, elderly from across the nation shuffled in slippers, hobbled-along with walkers, rode Rascals, and dangerously catapulted oversized Bonnevilles through crowded markets and the wrong way down one-way streets to attend a protest rally sponsored by IncOFAM.

"We're old, damnit," railed one old Vermont geezer, "and we deserve some of that grant money!"

An octegenarian from Wyoming exclaimed, "Those young suicidal whipper-snappers don't know what to do with 82 million dollars. They'll just spend it on dungarees and rock-a-billy music."

Representatives from IncOFAM have proposed legislation to provide an equitable $82 million in grants to delay suicide among the elderly. Their proposal states that the money will be used to "buy RVs so we can see America one last time before the Grim Reaper comes for us" and "for plane tickets to tapings of the Price Is Right."

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Sexy Beast

So, there are allegations on the AP wire that our favorite conservative talk show host, Bill O'Reilly, likes to sexually harrass his co-workers over the phone. We don't know the details, yet, if any, and we don't know if these allegations are true. But I just love the thought of the holier-than-thou, uptight, Puritanical, sex-haters, being exposed as either freak-a-deeks (Swaggert), sex-aholics (Jim Bakker), or fetish-mongers (allegedly O'Reilly).
I'm giddy with anticipation, to see where this story goes.

If Wishes Were Bushes

I will donate $1000 to the RNC if W says anything close to the following in the next 18 days:

I didn't have time to prepare for the debates because I was up late last night reading the works of Jean Paul Sartre in their original French.

I'd like to take a moment to thank the thousands of my supporters who have sent money to the Nader campaign.

As a born again Christian, I feel compelled to read to you from the Sermon on the Mount: ''You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, Do not resist evil. But whoever shall strike you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also."

Is that monitor live? Look at me -- I'm a giant tool.

I know that at least half of you want a Commander in Chief who is a tall, articulate statesman with actual war experience. Big deal. You think I like the fact that Jeb is my mom's favorite and Neil got to trade all those state secrets for Chinese prostitutes while all I got was the crappy Texas Rangers? I've learned to live with disappointment and so should you.

After serving four years under Dick Cheney, I am ready to be your President.

So what if Chris Reeves called Senator Kerry to cheer him on from his death bed, saying it's up to Kerry to preserve innovation and modern science in America. Rodney Dangerfield called me and said it was up to me to carry on as the least respected man in the world after his passing. So there.

What I Did for My Summer Vacation

Yep, I’m back. Not really a vacation so much as working my booty off all around the globe, for you, the proletariat. Tales of my Hollywood exploits were overstated although I did play a mean pickup b-ball game while I was in SoCal. Also, rumors that I was died in some Japanese suicide cult are obviously not true. Here’s what I did do the last two weeks:

* Mourned the death of real public debate (Dick Cheney, you’re a snotty little troll)

* Entertained wholesale distributors far and wide (but mostly wide)

* Enjoyed a meal at Wolfgang Puck’s Postrio at the Venetian in Vegas, but was forced to defend my claim to heterosexuality based on my spot-on wine pick for the evening and an absolutely fabulous Calvin Klein suit

* Spun the new NAFRO CD, but forgot to ask Alex to sign it for me . I also nearly ripped his big toe off in the aforementioned pick-up game, oopsie-daisy.

* Susan and I took Quinn on a seven-city tour where several old ladies in airports nearly fainted at how cute he is – it’s a power I pray he only uses for good, and not

Thanks, Thom, for keeping the Blog Fires burning in my absence. Mom always said you were the funny one.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

All Debated Out

One impression for each of the candidates in the final not-so-presidential debate:

His Appearance. Not since Roddy MacDowell lead a revolution in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes have I seen a political leader put so much effort into standing upright. And what was that shit-eating grin all about? He totally gave up about 30 minutes into the debate and returned to his old familiar scowl. Good for you, George! It takes courage to try to fake us out, then to cave in to old habits and aggressively wear that sour puss with such passion.

The Holy Roman Empire. Is Kerry a Catholic? Gosh, I had no idea. Geez, it's as if his handlers were nervous about some polls that showed him slipping with little old Italian ladies and the senior citizen Irish folk. We get it, John, you've got faith! Yes, you were raised Catholic in a Catholic school. Not only Catholic, but Roman Catholic. Instead of quoting the Bible, you could have shared some naughty stories from your days as an altar boy...

Riding the TSA Gravy Train

Hop on board, ya'll! It's time to ride the TSA gravy train. I can't wait to hear the spin the Republicans put on this one.

AP: Report Finds Lavish Spending at TSA

Clark Ervin, the Homeland Security Dept's inspector general, also found the Transportation Security Administration gave its senior executives bonuses averaging $16,000, higher than at any other federal government agency, and failed to provide adequate justification in more than a third of the 88 cases examined.

Republicans say the agency has grown far larger than they envisioned when it was created following the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks.

$16,000 bonuses? For government employees? They already get to take off EVERY friggin' holiday, and only have to work 9 to 5. What more do they need?

I thought the Republicans were in favor of smaller federal government, and less spending...


I'm disappointed in you...Three fairly decent blog posts yesterday, and not a single comment from the peanut gallery, despite over sixty page hits.

Guys, it's the comments that keep us going. Your input is the Gatorade we need to play the next period of basketball.

Like the pill Underdog swallowed when danger loomed, or the crack Mighty Mouse snorted to give him supermusculus strength, your comments give us the willpower to keep plugging away at trying to write something funny, otherwise it's just an exercise in futile sophomoric expression.

Not that futile sophomoric expression is a bad thing. It at least keeps the voices in our heads quiet.

Never-the-less, even as busy as you are with school, semi-unemployment, and computer games, no Ramadan greeting cards for you this year. That's your punishment for slacking off on your part of the blog relationship.

Chop Chop,
Uncle Wisenheimer

You won't be seeing one of these from me this year:

(That's right. Go ahead and cry yourself to sleep tonight.)

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Hollywood Turner

Many readers have been emailing me, asking where Matt has been lately. Actually, they've been emailing me asking me why the blog isn't funny anymore. For example:

Dear, not-so-funny guy,

Where is Matt? What happened to all the insightful, intelligent, high-brow humor your blog used to have when he was posting? Why do you try to make lame jokes by altering photos in MSPaint and ripping off "The Daily Show?"
I wish you would die,

Here is my answer:
Dear, Mitch.
First off, I use Photoshop, you reetard, not MSPaint. Second, Matt was asked to make cameo appearances in several movies this summer. Get off my back, I'm doing the best I can.
Here are some scenes from one blockbuster film you'll be able to see him in. Since he didn't have speaking parts, I don't think they'll actually give him any credits, but trust me, it's him.

Other movies Matt has been in:
Herbie Goes to the Salvage Yard
Matt plays Buddy Hacket's rebellious Hassiddic son, Yesshic.

Jimmy Hits the Big Town
Matt plays "El Diablo."

Government Guinea Pig
Matt narrates.

Post-Debate Question #1

Tomorrow brings us the last of the 2004 presidential debates, being broadcast from cozy Tempe, Arizona. Veteran newsman Bob Schieffer will be the moderator. Go, Bob!

This is perhaps the most important debate in the series, as it is the last time we get to judge the candidates on their ability to repress facial expressions, how effectively they can dodge a question, and which one appears more "presidential" while standing or sitting near the other.

Here's the Big Question for you to ask yourself at the end of the debate, when the candidates perform their obligatory, "bringing the families onstage" ritual:

Is Theresa Heinz-Kerry the mysterious third Gabor sister?

Dracula vs. America

So I picked up the new Daily Show book, America, the Book this weekend and was reading it in bed last night while my wife was reading her book club book, Dracula by Bram Stoker.

I was laughing so hard that I was shaking the bed and preventing my wife from achieving her average speed-reading of six thousand pages per minute. She barely got through the introduction when she decided to give up. After a few minutes of staring over my shoulder trying to read what was making me laugh, she commented:

"I think Bram Stoker was a bone smuggler."

Honey, I think you're right.

If you don't already have Dracula, buy it. It's a classic. Give a dead guy (or the people who continue to publish his homoerotic necrophilial prose) some money for being second to Oscar Wilde in the race to capture the "fancy lad" book reading market. And buy a copy of America, the Book. If you don't, you're not very patriotic. It has the name "America" in the title, after all. Everyone should own a copy, even the Canadians, since they are also Americans (North Americans, that is).

Monday, October 11, 2004

Rove Whispers in Bush's Ear?

Here's an interesting string of conspiratorial ruminations:

The question being: During the debates, are President Bush's answers fed to him via a tiny earpiece transmitter by someone like Carl Rove sitting backstage? (I know, this satirical photo shows Rush "Lude Daddy" Limbaugh. I couldn't find a decent photo of Carl Rove -- he's always hidden in the shadows.)

In the forum (above URL) they suggest someone try to tap into the signal during the debate to record it and expose the ruse. Another suggestion is to bombard Bush's earpiece with music or high-pitched noise to force him to remove the device. I think the SS -- I mean -- Secret Service, would consider that a no-no and come down pretty hard on anyone attempting such a feat. Nothing says "enemy combatant who deserves to be imprisoned without proper legal consultation" like someone who scrambles the Presidents audio prompting.

Another question: Doesn't the rule that the candidates cannot be photographed from behind during the debates strike anyone as suspicious?

I say, "hey, if Milli Vanilli lost their Grammy and fell from grace for being exposed as lip-synchers, then anyone is fair game!"

Friday, October 08, 2004

Preppin' for the Dillies

Let's see... a check list for tonight's 2nd presidential debate festivities. I've got the snacks, the drinks, a couple friends coming over, and issues to discuss afterward. Okay, I'm all set!

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Scary Barry Not So Funny

Check out the short animated film "What Barry Says." (see graphic below) I dig the art of it.
Then, go to this web site and read their statement of principles:

Pay close attention to the names at the bottom of the statement and ask yourself the following questions:
1. What do they mean by "American principles?"
2. How exactly does a nation "shape circumstances before crises emerge?"
3. What do they mean by "preserving and extending an international order friendly to our security, our prosperity, and our principles?"
This is scary stuff if this organization is real.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Rumsfeld is Losing It

Monday, October 04, 2004

Hard to be Funny in Hard Times

Our plan of making your lives a little more endurable with our brand of sophomoric humor, unverified facts, off-the-cuff comments, and occasionally harsh tirades, sometimes falls short of expectations. We can't apologize for hard times making our tongue-in-cheek efforts seem bitter or mean when they don't work. Sure, we slip up now and then, but you have to admit, sometimes we've been right on the mark.

With American soldiers dying everyday, gasoline prices sky-rocketing, and our national election process seeming to erode beneath the constant battering winds of public opinion polls, we find it hard to come up with things to say that will bring some hope to your dreary existence.

The first debates weren't as definitive as we had hoped they would be, and we can't promise the rest of them will spell victory, either. The country hasn't been so politically polarized since the debate over women's suffrage, so our comments often offend some while not making enough of an impact with others. We'll do our best to continue giving you all we got, and to try to be a little funnier than we have been, recently.


George W. Bush & Dick Cheney

Friday, October 01, 2004

Hairspray Spanks the Monkey

Round one of the debates is over. Here are some of the "quick" viewer poll results taken by CBS, ABC, and myself, immediately folllowing last night's event:

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